Realizations

I haven't logged on in awhile. I find it harder to do these days. We have a new foster baby so that puts us at six kids. I think we are finally in a routine again after two month with the newest addition. New placements always bring lots of appointments, visits with caseworkers and birth families. He is such a happy baby and Ethan is loving having a boy in the house...even if it's a baby boy :)

Another reason I have been absent from the virtual world of blogging is I've been trying to figure so many different things out. My family life, my friendships and just my personal life in general. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing came and went. It was harder than I expected it to be but I don't think we can ever be prepared for how to handle the loss of a loved one.

I am realizing that this second year is going to be harder for me. I was numb pretty much for the first six months after his passing and then it hit me...my dad is gone. I know he's with me though in spirit. I used to have dreams about him and they always felt so real. I haven't had a dream about my dad though in quite some time. I've been angry and sad and just feeling his passing much more easily. I have realized that every movie out there is probably going to make me cry now...then again, most of the movies I see lately deal with death (and when I go to see them, I am unaware that this will be touched on during the movie).

My friendships with certain friends have changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. I miss these friends truly but the friendship has changed and I hear from them very rarely and that is hard. It made my dad's passing very hard because I didn't have them to help me through it. I was disappointed in them because it was hard for me to not feel like I was alone. I had friends who I was hoping would be there for me because they also have lost a parent and they were not there for me.

I now realize that I need to really put myself first. I cannot depend on others to help make me happy...that can only happen if I make myself a priority. I will be there for my friends but I have reached a point where if I don't hear from them, I'm okay with that but I'm not going to reach out to them when the relationship is only one-sided.

If this upsets anyone, I do apologize. I am thankful for those that have been there for me. I hope to be there for you also when you need a friend...but in the end, I am still grieving and struggling and need to put me first for a little while.