Humbled

The past few days around here have been filled with laughter, tears, stress, joy and lack of sleep. On Friday, after phone calls back and forth with the county, we did in fact take placement of two little ones. They were willing to help with transportation to help us out so the two little ones could maintain their visits with their parents. I had no feelings that we should say no.

Friday around 4:30, the social worker showed up with two little ones, 18 months and 6 months. Everyone was pretty excited and they just looked so confused and unsure of what was going on. We welcomed them into our home and worked on some paperwork with the social worker. When she left, I had this feeling of what the heck did we just agree to?!? Steve was still out trying to pick up car seats and bottles and get Emilie to a birthday party and I was home with the others trying to get dinner started for what was sure to be quite the adventure.

Steve arrived home around bedtime. The 6 month old was pretty easy to get down for the night and we'd been given suggestions on how to get the 18 month old down. Nothing worked though. I patted his back, sat with him, tried a bottle and he just screamed and screamed. I felt so bad for him...I knew all of this was not easy for him. Finally after rocking him for quite awhile he fell asleep and I laid him down. He was staying in Ethan's room so we tried to give enough time that when we laid Ethan down, they wouldn't disturb each other. There was no way to know that this was the start of some very sleepless nights.

The first night was rough. We were up every hour on the hour with a screaming child. I worried that Ethan would wake up or even that the girls would wake up. Thankfully they slept through it all! By Saturday morning Steve and I were both so exhausted. I just could not figure out how we were going to manage 6 kiddos with so little sleep and Steve leaving for a five day trip to Utah on Monday.

I was feeling like a failure, my big ego deflated, and so incredibly guilty. As Saturday went on, I just didn't know what I was going to do. My mom and sister were checking in on me to see how it was going and I was and am so thankful for that! By Saturday evening, it really had become apparent that this was just not going to work out. I had realized that I hadn't eaten in two days because I had someone constantly clinging to me. I knew with continued lack of sleep, I would not be able to be a good mom to anyone. I was crying a lot due to lack of sleep and tons of different emotions flowing through me.

Our county that we are licensed through has a 24/7 support line. I decided to call the number about 8:00. The social worker answered the phone and I just fumbled over my words...I couldn't figure out how to even begin. Thankfully she took the reigns and asked who she was speaking to. I told her my name and the next thing I heard was that it was our own licensing worker on the other end of the line. I felt a sense of relief that I was speaking to someone who I knew personally and felt comfortable with. We talked for about an hour and I apologized profusely over and over again. She was so supportive and understood and tried her hardest to make me feel better. We agreed to keep the kiddos until Monday. Luck would have it that she just also happened to be the intake worker on Monday so she would also be the person trying to find them a new home. I hung up with her and felt at peace with the decision.

Saturday evening everyone slept better and I woke up thinking I spoke too soon and that maybe we would be okay. Sunday though would prove that what was best for everyone was not to continue this placement. I struggled all Sunday trying to figure out though if we could do this...I didn't want to give up but kept coming back to the realization that this wasn't the best place for them.

I felt guilt on Monday as we packed up their belongings into my car. I felt like I had let them down. I felt like I had let my family down and that I had let the county down. The last thing I ever wanted to do was take a placement and then a few days later the kiddos have to be placed somewhere else. They have endured enough trauma in their life and I don't want to add to it.

We dropped the girls off at school and headed to their visit with their parents. I met both parents and their mom hugged me. It was so difficult to see her struggle to leave her babies behind. I felt so incredibly sorry for her...her children may have been removed for whatever reason but I cannot help but feel sympathy towards her because the very thought of not having my kids makes my heart hurt.

While we waited in the reception area, our worker was trying to find a new home for them. She did find one and we did the transition together. We discussed how the weekend went so they had a little more information and I cried. I have not cried that much in I don't know how long...I feel a bit embarrassed by it actually. I know deep down they are where they should belong right now but it was so hard giving them up to someone else. Ethan and I got in the car and left them with their new foster parents and I just started balling again.

I spoke to my mom on the way home and to Steve and then texted back and forth with Mary once I was home. My caseworker emailed to make sure I was okay. We arrived home and I put their car seats we had bought away and just felt incredibly sad.

Monday was rough. Today has been better though. I feel more at peace with how it all transpired but still can't help but feel like I let everyone down. I do feel more prepared for the next time though and I feel this experience humbled me a bit because I thought I could do it and it made me realize that while I can, I have to be aware of our limitations too with 4 other children at home, one of whom is only three.

Our first phone call

I survived my first phone call with a placement worker this morning. I was unsure how it would go to be honest...my first instinct is to say yes to any child they call about. Thank goodness for Steve being a bit more levelheaded with somethings!

The call was for a 7 month old and 1 year old...boy did I want to say yes! Ultimately though, the visits are twice a week and the location for this case would be an hour away. I worried that by saying yes, the travel would be hard because of drop off for our kids and then picking up Ethan at lunch and the girls in the afternoon. I want any placement to be successful for everyone involved.

It was a good test though for me. I asked a lot of questions...some they can answer and some they cannot answer depending on how much information they have. I wasn't able to speak to Steve but we texted back and forth trying to decide which was really helpful. It's good to know that I can in fact say no because I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to.

I now feel a little more prepared for our next call though!

As a side note, I should mention that while I may post about our experience with foster care, I cannot discuss specifics about any child placement. I can share ages and gender but names and why they are in state care cannot be discussed because of confidentiality reasons.

And the waiting begins

Okay, so I know I've shared with friends and family on Facebook that we were working on updating our foster care license after our adoption of Ethan. So this week we got our final paperwork in for the kids' physical paperwork and were waiting for the email from our licensing worker that we were in the system and were open to accept foster children.

She told us that because we aren't too picky, that we should be prepared for a phone call right away. This week we got the extra bed put together in Ethan's bedroom, bought some bins that a child placed with us could use to store food, bought some night lights and a pack 'n play. You might wonder why we'd need bins/storage containers for a child to keep food in...maybe? After many trainings and talking to other foster parents, the one common thing they all talk about is how some children have been neglected and will horde food because of it. The idea around letting them pick some snack items that won't go bad and keep it in their very own bin is they know the food is their's and if they need it is there.

We are licensed for infants and then children ages 4-11. We agreed to take medically fragile children and any child really for that matter. We have some concerns about taking children with certain behaviors like cruelty to animals, fire starters or abusive towards other children but we are open minded. We know if the placement is coming from another foster home, those are questions we can ask because they will have that information most likely but if we are the first placement, the social worker will most likely not know that information.

The girls are really excited and we've talked all week about what it means to welcome a child into our home. We've discussed how we are their temporary home while their parent's get better and they can go home. We've discussed that while they are very excited, any child that walks through our doors is going to be in shock and be scared.

I thought for sure it would take awhile to get our first call. This afternoon, Ethan had therapy and when we got home, we had a voicemail. I had missed a call for our first possible placement of two little ones. I am so bummed but I have a feeling we may not have to way long for our next phone call considering when we received our first call, we'd only been in the system for a matter of a few hours.

Anyway, I appreciate all of the support and words of encouragement that has been shared with me. Let the journey begin!

Pressure

I read something on Facebook this morning from a site I follow. It was about a blog post from a mom. The poster was discussing feeling pressured to be the very best mom out there and spoke about how going onto Pinterest and reading magazines can add to that pressure to be the best.

I found it interesting...I am always questioning whether I am doing a good job raising my children. I worry that I don't spend enough time with them. I worry that I am not always patient enough with them. I worry they'll pick up on my bad habits. I worry, worry, worry!

I do follow Pinterest...it's been a few weeks since I've been on there but I have to admit, seeing everyone's "pins" sometimes made me feel inadequate. I would find myself "pinning" things just to pin them; let's face it, I am 99% sure I am not going to actually try most of the things I came across. I found some fun recipes and there were lots of neat hair tutorials and craft project ideas but to be honest, I do not have the time to devote to half of everything on there.

I read magazines and not that often anymore because I feel like it gives me a false perception of other people's lives...I watch my friends and wonder how they manage to handle everything that comes their way and at least appear to not break a sweat. It appears so easy for others. I have friends who homeschool and I for the life of me cannot figure out how they keep up with it, their own schedules, their homes, their life with their spouse and everything else.

I am trying very hard to just do the very best I can, not sweat the small stuff and just enjoy this time with my kids and be in the moment now.

Spring Break

The kids are on their third and final week of spring break. I always like having them home but I think we've all had plenty of quality time together...they are starting to get annoyed with each other which seems to always be a sign that it's time to go back to school.

We've had a fun couple of weeks. We've painted bedrooms, played went to the zoo and went to Utah to see my sister, Mary and her family. I am exhausted! But I am ready to get back to our normal routine next week.

Steve leaves next week for a week long trip to Utah and thankfully it's just from Monday-Friday so he'll be home for the weekend but then leave again for a Monday-Thursday trip to Maryland (I believe...I'm having a hard time keeping track of where he's going and when he's going there).

The trees are blooming and the grass is turning green again. Spring is in the air though and it's just beautiful here!

Do you ever feel like you are not a good mom? I am constantly questioning whether I am. I love my children and would do anything for them but somedays I struggle with being patient and not being frustrated with them.

We have been contemplating the age of children and behaviors we'd be willing to work with while doing foster care. The toddler age is very difficult for me...they are so cute, inquisitive and fun but challenging because of the independence they are beginning to have and realizing they have control over somethings. I think I have found that babies are easy (at least for me) and then four year olds and older. But I am also aware that taking in older foster children often times means welcoming children with many more challenges.

I have found that as I've gotten older that it has gotten easier but I hope their memories of me are not of me yelling or being frustrated with them. I always try and remind myself that I can start again the next day and will always try to do better...but I wonder if that's enough.