Letting Go

Do you ever wish things were different in your life? I have a wonderful, blessed life but with all of the moving I have done over the years, I look back and wish somethings were still the same.

I grew up mainly in Alaska...once I was in sixth grade that's where my roots were firmly planted. I miss home. I miss the majestic mountains. I miss the three lane highway. I miss my family. I miss friends and familiar places.

There is really nothing quite like Alaska. Sometimes I feel like I need to let go of some of that to be able to be ready to embrace what the future holds. Somethings I can let go of very easily and other things are a bit harder.

Do you ever feel like you are questioned for who you are? I grew up Catholic and still am. I lived in Utah for a couple of years when my dad was active duty and because my family had five kids with one more on the way, it was just assumed that we were Mormon. At the time I never really understood why but now as an adult, I realize it's because typically both of these denominations have larger families (not always though). I have always felt that attending a Catholic church was something to be ashamed of. I am not ashamed though. I guess my point about Catholic and Mormon (LDS) is both come under a lot of scrutiny. I may question other denominations but often times it is only because I may not understand but ultimately whether I understand or not, I will always give them respect.

For me, I am a child of God...a Christian before anything else. I am a sinner and I try hard not to be but I make mistakes and all I can hope for is forgiveness and that the next day I can try and improve on each previous day.

I have seen so many articles lately speaking poorly about the Catholic church but also speaking poorly about being a Christian. When did it become unpopular to be one? I think there are fanatics everywhere. People who give different groups a bad name.

I know people who are atheists who are very good people at heart. I guess all I ask is that while I may be very conservative on certain things, I am also a bit liberal on other things that my opinions are respected. We may not always agree on topics but I can respect everyone enough to respect their opinions. I may not understand them but I can guarantee they may not understand where mine come from either.

I believe all life is important and has value no matter how young or old. I cannot say who will and who will not get to heaven. I never feel deserving enough that I will but I sure I hope I do.

I've just come across so many articles in the news lately where it's one side against the other and I just find it quite sad that so many people throw so much hate around. I question a lot of things that I read and question where it's coming from. I just always try and keep an open mind and remember there are always two sides to every story out there.

So much I want to say and share but worried that I might offend someone from what I might share. I'm not sure who might read what I write...I have always felt like I have had to walk on egg shells for fear of upsetting people in my life. It takes me awhile to trust people and let them in. I always feel a bit guarded because of things in my past.

I do have to say that writing posts here and there have been a bit therapeutic for me...maybe one day I will share about my life when I was in high school. It's been so long since that time in my life and yet I still feel it's effects to this day.

Strength and Faith

Someone recently mentioned to me that I have a lot of strength. It left me thinking about a lot of things. 2011 was a year with a lot going on. Some days I wonder how we made it through pretty unscathed. Was it because I had strength or was it because I had faith that gave me strength?

I am thankful for friends who prayed for us. When we were still in Germany in 2010, we knew the changes that were coming. We new early in the year that Steve would be retiring from Germany which had not been in our plans...but they were obviously in God's plans. I was the Religious Education Coordinator for pre-k through 5th grade in Germany. I worked up until we left Germany; I think I stopped working about a week maybe before we got on a plane to head back to the states. Every Sunday I went to work to run the program, there were wonderful parent's and volunteers who I would speak with and they were always very encouraging. There were comments that I seemed to be handling it really well. What many people did not realize was I was so scared but I knew that with everyone praying for us and with placing my trust in God, we would get through this next bump in the road.

My faith has not always been so strong. I grew up going to church very regularly. I went to Religious Education every year until Confirmation and was Confirmed when I was a Junior in High School (I think but could be wrong). I didn't want to be confirmed. I wasn't sure if I was honestly ready to take that next step. My mom forced me to go and although I wasn't necessarily happy, I'm glad she made me go.

It was during this time that I really thought a lot about what my vocation might be. Missionary work had always interested me and something I really found joy in was volunteering...I still do actually. I would rather volunteer somewhere then work and make any money. I also started considering whether maybe I should enter the Religious life and become a nun. I wanted a family but was feeling pulled in both directions. I got in contact with a couple different convents my Senior year in High School. I wrote letters to my Aunt Glenda and discussed it with her. She was supportive and told me that if it was something I really wanted to do she thought it was good. Through our letters, she also talked to me about Psalm 23. She told me it was something she would read in times of sadness.

Psalm 23 has gotten me through a lot of hard times. After high school, I worked and hung out with friends. I don't want to say I was hanging out with the wrong crowd because they were my friends and I still consider them friends to this day but I did make some very poor choices. I became someone that I didn't recognize. I fell away from His grace. I felt that I knew better then anyone else and left home one night. I didn't let me parents know and just took off. I stayed in a motel and was just so clueless. I lived in a motel for about a month. Looking back, it was dangerous and stupid. I made these choices and I am ashamed but I had to hit rock bottom to grow from it and rise up again.

As the money ran out, I ended up staying with another friend briefly before asking my parents if I could come back home. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to admit that I was stupid in my decisions. I felt like giving up. I felt like dying would be a better alternative then to face the consequences of my choices. I remember laying in my room at my parent's home one night crying and feeling very sorry for myself and my mom was not sympathetic at all. I can't remember her words exactly but it was something along the lines of to stop feeling sorry for myself. I remember thinking she was being so harsh but they were exactly the words I needed to hear.

I had lost faith along the way because the life I was living came between God and me. I started going back to church, paying back debts that I owed and getting my life back together. I remember Psalm 23 often during this time.

I am thankful for my parents for taking hard line with me. I am thankful for a forgiving God. I am thankful for second chances. Those difficult times helped me become stronger in my faith so that as I have gotten older, it has made it easier to just place my trust in him. This doesn't mean that I don't ever struggle but I do find it easier to trust.

Self Esteem

This morning I met with a special ed rep with the school district. I had inquired a couple weeks ago if Aurora Public Schools (APS) was required to still provide IEP services if a child was home schooled. Apparently APS is not...most other districts around the world will though and also give the option for students to join in for art, music and pe.

About a week or so ago, I spoke with a dear friend on the phone about my thoughts and she lent her perspective. She also told me to be prepared that the school would try and talk me out of home schooling. They sort of did...the rep told me that APS offers something called School Choice. It's where we as parents can try and get our kids into a different school in the school district.

What does that mean for me? Well, if I got them or one of them into another school it would mean getting four kids to school and to different schools. I don't see how that would work. I appreciate the information she provided though and the lending ear she provided as well.

We sat and talked about my frustration with the miscommunication I have encountered at the school and the lack of communication. We talked about how APS does things differenlty then any other district we've been with...she moved here a year ago as well from Florida.

Anyway, you might be wondering what all this has to do with my title, Self Esteem....maybe?? Well, as the conversation wrapped up, she made a comment to me that she thought I was great. My response was, "Well, I'm sure not everyone would agree with that".

I left the school and on the way home, I sat and pondered why I responded that way. I almost always respond that way...sometimes I may say thank you and that's only because I have had to force myself to learn to say it even if I'm not thankful.

The truth is, I don't really believe the nice things people have to say about me. In junior high and high school I had people in my life who belittled me, who were not kind and said hurtful things to me and I find myself now saying these things to myself because it's what I'm used to. I don't know how to think of myself any other way.

I guess what's why it bothers me so much that Emilie has encountered some hurtful comments as well. I don't want her to end up with my self esteem issues. I know most of us have them but I think most people can see their value and it's hard for me to see that.

It's important to me that my children, especially my girls, grow up feeling confident and sure of themselves. Hopefully in my parenting, I can help them accomplish that!

Blessed

Just sitting here tonight watching the Biggest Loser with Emilie. All day long I just kept thinking about how blessed I am to have my family and friends. I am so blessed for a home that keeps me dry and warm. I am so blessed for a car that provides my transportation. But mostly, I am just blessed that although I am a sinner, I know I can always seek forgiveness from God and those I love.

TGIF

It's is Friday! I am so ready for the weekend...although, I don't think there will be much time to actually rest!!

Kodie is getting ready for her sacrament preparation starting this weekend. She'll have class every Saturday to prepare for First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion...she is so excited :) I need to see if Emilie's dress will fit her or if we'll have to search for a dress that can be her very own.

When Emilie made her First Communion, she was to tall to wear my dress so we bought her a dress of her own. Natalie was able to wear my dress and it's fun to look at photos of me in the dress, Natalie in the dress and the best part is even my cousin Sarah wore it, my mom and her sister (my Aunt Mary and Sarah's mom). I know Kodie was hoping to wear the family dress but she, like Emilie, is too tall for it.

I sort of dread having class on Saturday for Kodie and then class on Sunday for all three of them...our weekends are so busy sometimes already that I am trying to figure out when we'll have time to relax. At least it's for a good reason though and only until the beginning of May!

Regardless, the sun is shining and it's feeling a tad bit warmer out today and it's Friday!!

Lately I have been feeling so frustrated with life in general. I feel like we, more specifically me, have had so much going on that I was not really checked in at times. I suppose that's how I survived moving from Germany sooner than we were expecting, moving to Alaska until Steve found a job, Steve retiring and starting a new job, moving again and starting all over in Colorado and then getting licensed for foster care so we could finally finalize the adoption of Ethan.

Last year stunk quite frankly! It is not a year that I ever want to do again and was very hopeful that 2012 was going to be a little more mellow and less stressful. I think I was kidding myself though because it seems as we get older, life just becomes more stressful. Is it just me? I can't imagine that I am the only one who feels or has felt this way?!? Right??

I trust in God that everything will work out and be fine but that doesn't mean I don't at times doubt. I ultimately know things will work out however they are supposed to but I feel like I put so much pressure on myself to not make mistakes and be there for others that I end up so disappointed in myself and feel like a failure if I don't meet my expectations.

As I've gotten older (and I'm aware that I'm not that old :) ), I've gotten more confident in a way. I speak up when I think something is wrong where as when I was in my early 20's, I would have just said nothing. I feel like I have more "fight" in me now and some days I think it's a good thing and other days I think I need to just keep quiet until I work through my feelings before I overreact.

Forgive me if I ramble...I do that often and I get lost in thought and then just write whatever I am thinking regardless of whether it all makes sense. For me, it makes sense but others may not "get" my train of thought and thinking.

Parenting...

Where do I even begin...do you ever wonder if you are a good parent or if the choices you are making are the right one? I suppose whether you are a parent or not, you might wonder if you are making the right choices...I know I did before I had kids. I guess that's part of being a human being.

I have had this dilemma of homeschooling for years. Before I had kids, I wanted to homeschool them. Steve and I did not completely agree so we did public school or rather we put them in Catholic school and then we moved to Germany so they went to public school (DODDS). I have always felt a tugging to homeschool though. Last year the girls went to three different schools because of all our moving around with Steve retiring. When we got to Colorado we rented an apartment in one school district and then had a house built in a different school district...which meant a new school yet again. I had made the decision though to give this new school a fair shot before making any decisions about homeschooling. This school is supposed to be one of the best in the district and it's brand new and new concept so there is a lot of promise I believe.

I feel like there has just been one thing after another that has just left me feeling frustrated though. For some people, it may not seem like a problem or big deal but I guess when things just continue to add up, it's hard to not want to just quit.

My girls are wonderful...Natalie and Kodie are very outgoing and make friends easily. Emilie on the other hand is very quiet and can take awhile to feel comfortable in a new setting but once she does she is very outgoing too. Emilie has struggled more than the other two this year. She's had a harder time making friends and has had some hurtful comments said to her.

Last week she came home crying because an older student (sixth grade) told her she stunk at basketball. I know, I know, it shouldn't be that big of a deal but I think any comment that belittles someone or makes them feel inferior is unacceptable. I know that kids are learning and will say things that they may not realize are hurtful. What are we supposed to do as parents though...act like it's no big deal or fight and make sure our kids feel safe a secure?

I talked to Emilie and just tried to reassure her that the student probably didn't mean to hurt her feelings but all that mattered was that she was trying her hardest. I emailed her teacher and was left feeling like because it didn't happen in his classroom it wasn't his problem and that I needed to speak directly to the PE teacher...which is fine but being he is her classroom teacher, I guess I was expecting a little more. I emailed the PE teacher and we've had a few emails back and forth. I am now left feeling like no one really cares and am so unsure of what to do. We will meet in person to discuss this though...sometimes email just seems like you lose so much in the translation.

My first inclination is to pull her from school and just homeschool her. The level headed part of me though knows that won't solve the problem. It's hard though too because at first Emilie was excited at the thought of being home schooled but has now had a change of heart.

That's where my dilemma is...I'm worried I'll make the wrong choice. Ultimately, it's not her choice but I do value her opinion. I know she'll be mad and upset at first but she can't see the bigger picture. I want to protect her but also want her to experience life and learn from it.

So here I am just going back and forth trying to figure out the right thing to do hoping and praying that the choices we make in our family don't totally screw up our kids!