Humbled

The past few days around here have been filled with laughter, tears, stress, joy and lack of sleep. On Friday, after phone calls back and forth with the county, we did in fact take placement of two little ones. They were willing to help with transportation to help us out so the two little ones could maintain their visits with their parents. I had no feelings that we should say no.

Friday around 4:30, the social worker showed up with two little ones, 18 months and 6 months. Everyone was pretty excited and they just looked so confused and unsure of what was going on. We welcomed them into our home and worked on some paperwork with the social worker. When she left, I had this feeling of what the heck did we just agree to?!? Steve was still out trying to pick up car seats and bottles and get Emilie to a birthday party and I was home with the others trying to get dinner started for what was sure to be quite the adventure.

Steve arrived home around bedtime. The 6 month old was pretty easy to get down for the night and we'd been given suggestions on how to get the 18 month old down. Nothing worked though. I patted his back, sat with him, tried a bottle and he just screamed and screamed. I felt so bad for him...I knew all of this was not easy for him. Finally after rocking him for quite awhile he fell asleep and I laid him down. He was staying in Ethan's room so we tried to give enough time that when we laid Ethan down, they wouldn't disturb each other. There was no way to know that this was the start of some very sleepless nights.

The first night was rough. We were up every hour on the hour with a screaming child. I worried that Ethan would wake up or even that the girls would wake up. Thankfully they slept through it all! By Saturday morning Steve and I were both so exhausted. I just could not figure out how we were going to manage 6 kiddos with so little sleep and Steve leaving for a five day trip to Utah on Monday.

I was feeling like a failure, my big ego deflated, and so incredibly guilty. As Saturday went on, I just didn't know what I was going to do. My mom and sister were checking in on me to see how it was going and I was and am so thankful for that! By Saturday evening, it really had become apparent that this was just not going to work out. I had realized that I hadn't eaten in two days because I had someone constantly clinging to me. I knew with continued lack of sleep, I would not be able to be a good mom to anyone. I was crying a lot due to lack of sleep and tons of different emotions flowing through me.

Our county that we are licensed through has a 24/7 support line. I decided to call the number about 8:00. The social worker answered the phone and I just fumbled over my words...I couldn't figure out how to even begin. Thankfully she took the reigns and asked who she was speaking to. I told her my name and the next thing I heard was that it was our own licensing worker on the other end of the line. I felt a sense of relief that I was speaking to someone who I knew personally and felt comfortable with. We talked for about an hour and I apologized profusely over and over again. She was so supportive and understood and tried her hardest to make me feel better. We agreed to keep the kiddos until Monday. Luck would have it that she just also happened to be the intake worker on Monday so she would also be the person trying to find them a new home. I hung up with her and felt at peace with the decision.

Saturday evening everyone slept better and I woke up thinking I spoke too soon and that maybe we would be okay. Sunday though would prove that what was best for everyone was not to continue this placement. I struggled all Sunday trying to figure out though if we could do this...I didn't want to give up but kept coming back to the realization that this wasn't the best place for them.

I felt guilt on Monday as we packed up their belongings into my car. I felt like I had let them down. I felt like I had let my family down and that I had let the county down. The last thing I ever wanted to do was take a placement and then a few days later the kiddos have to be placed somewhere else. They have endured enough trauma in their life and I don't want to add to it.

We dropped the girls off at school and headed to their visit with their parents. I met both parents and their mom hugged me. It was so difficult to see her struggle to leave her babies behind. I felt so incredibly sorry for her...her children may have been removed for whatever reason but I cannot help but feel sympathy towards her because the very thought of not having my kids makes my heart hurt.

While we waited in the reception area, our worker was trying to find a new home for them. She did find one and we did the transition together. We discussed how the weekend went so they had a little more information and I cried. I have not cried that much in I don't know how long...I feel a bit embarrassed by it actually. I know deep down they are where they should belong right now but it was so hard giving them up to someone else. Ethan and I got in the car and left them with their new foster parents and I just started balling again.

I spoke to my mom on the way home and to Steve and then texted back and forth with Mary once I was home. My caseworker emailed to make sure I was okay. We arrived home and I put their car seats we had bought away and just felt incredibly sad.

Monday was rough. Today has been better though. I feel more at peace with how it all transpired but still can't help but feel like I let everyone down. I do feel more prepared for the next time though and I feel this experience humbled me a bit because I thought I could do it and it made me realize that while I can, I have to be aware of our limitations too with 4 other children at home, one of whom is only three.