Rough start to the week....but it will get better!

I was hoping this week would have a better start but I was wrong...the weekend ended leaving me feeling pretty broken up. This week will improve and my hope is that will happen tomorrow. For some reason this morning my kids just couldn't stay on task. At 8:00 when we should be walking out the door to get off to school, Natalie was just then letting the dog out which is when we realized she'd had an accident...so I got busy cleaning that up while Natalie finished making her lunch. We got out of the house and thankfully everyone was on time to school.

The day did get better though. I had a friend stop by to bring Girl Scout cookies and we visited for a few minutes. I talked to my mom for a bit and texted with my sister too. Everyone enjoyed dinner and I am now sitting here on the bathroom floor while Baby A takes a bath. She has graham cracker in her hair and is having a blast!

Tomorrow will be busy getting her to a visit with her parents and then in the afternoon I have a doctors appointment...I dread these appointments. I never go unless I have to and this time I have to. It is time for a physical as we get ready for our re-certification for our foster care license. I am going to have to bring up my dad's colon cancer and all of the recommendations for colonoscopies for me from his surgeons. 7 more years and I guess I will have the pleasure of beginning those screenings :)

I guess the day started out no fun but thankfully is ending on a more positive note!

Getting ready for a new foster care year

We are getting ready for our re-certification for our foster care license. I have been busy getting everything in order. What does that mean??

- Lots of paperwork to fill out (thankfully less than when we began the whole process though).
- Making sure we have our twenty hours of training and that half of that is from a classroom along with    that it is from books and online classes too and not just from one source.
- Getting our CPR/First Aid certification up to date...which was so much easier this time that last.
- Making doctor appointments for physicals for those that need it.
- Ensuring that all pet vaccinations are up to date.
- And making sure there are no safety issues in our home that need to be fixed.

I have a huge green binder where everything is kept. One thing with foster care is document, document, document everything! I imagine the longer we do this, the more binders we will accumulate.

It's hard to believe we've been doing this for two years. We are almost at the one year mark though for doing this for children not related to us. And to think, at the beginning of this, I wondered if we'd be able to do it? There have been ups and downs but we're figuring it out and making it work.

I have been asked to attend a training as a foster parent to give a talk to other prospective foster parents in March. I'm looking forward to it...and dreading it because talking to people I don't know is not something I am good at. This will be good for me though. Hopefully I'm not too boring to listen to :)

What a week

This week has just been one that has been rough. It hasn't been the worst week but I have just felt like I'd rather have stayed in bed and hide rather than have to deal with anything.

The week started out with anticipation of my dad having a port put in this week and starting chemo on the 21st of this month. I knew chemo was not a good idea for my dad because he is just not healthy enough to take on something poisonous like chemo. Yesterday morning I had a message from my mom letting my siblings and I know that my dad would not be getting a port put in and would not be doing chemo. They had talked and the decision had been made...hospice was going to be contacted so that next step could be taken. Anyone who knows my dad knows that he was not going to do hospice. Hospice was mentioned last month before he went to Oregon and was completely against it. I know hospice is not a bad thing but for him, he just didn't want it. So the fact that he agreed that this was what should happen just hit me in a way that I did not expect.

Even though I knew he really couldn't do chemo, the fact was it was an option still being given to him and now it's not and it just makes this more real. My dad is dying. My dad is terminal and will not be around much longer. I have known this was coming but all of the uncertainty of how he was doing and what options were there gave me a feeling like we had a little more time than it appears.

I sit here in Colorado far away from Alaska feeling pulled. I want to be in Alaska to help out but honestly, I can't. I have kids here that need me and I feel guilty about that. Steve just cannot take off much time from work so I need to make sure I am mindful of all of this.

Something else this week that has just left me feeling defeated is about our foster care placement. We have had her almost 9 months. I don't know where the case is headed honestly. I don't know if she will be reunified or if she will stay with us. I want to set up her room and move her out of our room but not knowing if she'll be with us much longer, I don't know if I can set up a room for her. The pain I am going to feel if there is a room for her and she is not in it is going to be hard. This is when I wish I had a remote control so I could fast forward a few months and know the outcome...knowing the outcome would make this easier with all of the waiting.

I truly hope she can go home because I know that is always the hope for a family...I never thought I would get so attached though to a child who is not mine. Sometimes I feel like we are just adding more trauma to their little lives. We are the only home she has ever known because she came straight from the hospital to us. Her case will be like her leaving and being placed in a foster home but it will really be her home she was always meant to be in.

I just question whether we are the "right" people to do foster care. I know we can take care and love children who stay with us but dealing with the red tape and everything else that is foster care is what I wonder about. I know I need to only worry about today and I try very hard...some days are easier than others though and this week it has just been hard.

I am thankful that it is now Friday and the weekend is upon us. My kids are off until Thursday because of the end of the second quarter and teacher work days. The weather has gotten great here again and the snow is melting. We are busy taking the Christmas lights off of the house now that it isn't so cold anymore and pulling out the Valentine's day decorations.

I am thankful for each new day. I am thankful for each new week. I am thankful for my supportive family and friends. I did not imagine 2013 starting out this way but I know it will be okay in the end.

Too emotionally involved. I have heard this a lot lately. Can you guess why? I am finding it to be a struggle to walk this very fine tight rope of foster care. To become licensed as foster parents, we have to have a total of 55 hours of training by the end of our first year. In the training, they discuss a lot of different things. One thing that is discussed is how as foster parents, we need to be welcoming of children placed in our care. We need to make them feel like they are a part of our family. We need to dress them like we would dress our other children..so they should not be in thrift store clothing while the bio children are wearing some really nice threads. From the outside looking in, no one should be able to tell that the children in our care are not ours.

I feel like there is no gray area for me. It's either I become a mama bear who loves these children, protects them, cares for them, advocates for them and makes sure they know they are loved by us or I do the bare minimum for them which in my eyes, is not doing them any justice.

We have had our foster baby for 5 1/2 months now. We got her straight from the hospital at two weeks old. She came to us with more needs than we were aware of when accepting the placement. When she was discharged, I had to do all the new parent videos just like her parents would have had to do. When we realized just how complex her health needs were, I was on the phone getting her in to various doctors for follow-up care. Looking at her now, you would have never known just how frail she was. But it has taken a lot of work to get her where she is today.

I feel like because this case has been so much more involved because of her needs, we have bonded much more quickly than I would have ever anticipated. I do feel protective over her. I feel like she deserves to have people pushing for her needs and making sure every single one of them are being met. Visits with her family have been inconsistent and because of that, that co-parent relationship we would normally have with them has not been there. That can make it hard to keep a good focus sometimes when I don't have her parents to talk to about how she is doing. I know they are doing their very best though.

Anyway, I feel like I am always defending where I am coming from. I wear my heart of my sleeve and this case has taken an emotional toll on me some days. There are days when we have visits and I feel like all I do is cry during the visit because of the twists and turns that have taken place. I have not figured out how to be there for her without being too emotionally involved.

I am hoping that with each placement this aspect will get a little easier to figure out but something tells me that probably won't be the case. Regardless though, I will try my best to stick to my role as foster parent but I am going to love on any child placed in our home as if they were mine until they can be reunified with their family.

Yesterday, I blogged and it probably made no sense to others...I keep a lot in and don't talk about things and when I do talk about things, it is with just a couple of people. Anyway, I mentioned a bible verse.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

I feel like yesterday when I saw this in my email, it was the perfect time to receive it. Like I mentioned yesterday, I need to only worry about today and try and not worry about tomorrow...to not worry about things that are not in my control. I don't know why this is so difficult for me...it is a constant struggle. 

In a way, I feel like foster care and having children is helping force me to try and work on this issue for me....but I still struggle and will probably continue to struggle for years to come. I received a phone call from our foster baby's caseworker yesterday. It was a bit unexpected but ultimately I know it was a good development for her. My reaction for myself was an explosion of tears...I hung up the phone and the tears just would not stop. I called my mom, I texted with my sister and called Steve and it helped but what helped the most though was sleep. 

I woke this morning feeling better about the whole situation and I know that God will help me through this. I do not know what the final outcome will be for her but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. 

I don't like to ask for help. I like to try and do it all on my own and at times, I take on way too much but I somehow manage to figure it all out. But, I do ask for prayers. This has been a hard journey with lots of ups and downs and it's only been five months (well, five months this coming Monday). Sometimes I wonder if I need to seek out a therapist. Our licensing worker is great and I know if I needed to talk, I could call her but I also feel like it isn't her job to be my therapist :) The CASA worker on the case has told me to call her anytime and again, I know she means it but I don't want to cross a line where I call too often or put her in a tough position. There is only so much I can discuss with people outside of the case and it gets really hard having all of that stuff bottled up. 

Like I said, I'll figure it out...but if you could pray, I know it will help. I have felt the power of prayer helping me in the past and I know without a doubt it will help me again!

It has been a long time since I have posted. We had a very busy summer with visitors and other fun stuff. School started back up the beginning of August and my house is quiet again and I am trying to enjoy it. Another reason I haven't posted is because I have been trying to take a step back from certain things...I have felt a bit negative with my attitude and have felt that at times, I couldn't find many positive things to write or post on Facebook. I was also struggling with feeling not too important in some peoples lives. Facebook is great with being able to stay connected but I was starting to feel like I was in high school again and not very popular. Popularity is not something I strive for but at the same time, it's never fun feeling like not many people are interested in your life. So, I post less in general and try to keep it positive. I don't always succeed but I am trying.

Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.

At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.

I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?

My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.

I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.

Yesterday was a big home visit with our resource worker, the assistant for the GAL and the CASA worker for our foster baby. The CASA worker is a volunteer who stays on the case until permanency has been established whether that is reunification with the family or adoption and the GAL is a lawyer who represents the child in state care. Here is Colorado the GAL's have assistants so most of the time that is who comes and does home visits with foster families...although I was told that if the case is a hard one, then the GAL personally comes out for the visits.

Anyway, something that I have been struggling with lately is getting attached to our little one in our care. We talked about this yesterday and I ended up breaking down and felt so, so embarrassed as a result. I do not like letting my guard down like that...if it would have just been our resource worker (who comes out and makes sure we are getting everything done in a timely manner for our foster care license), then it would have been no big deal. I feel like I can let my guard down with her and she won't judge me. Thankfully everyone was very supportive and ultimately told me that they ask foster parents to do the impossible...get attached to a foster child and love them like their own but be prepared to let them go when and if they are able to go home and at the same time be prepared to keep them forever if reunification is not a possibility.

They assured me that foster families who have been doing this for years have this same struggle and for me, that was very helpful to know. I honestly had to wonder if I was really cut out for this because my heart is so in it. They also told me that they would be very concerned if I wasn't feeling the way I have been feeling...because their feeling is if I am not getting attached I am not doing a very good job.

This is a learning experience that's for sure and it's one that I really am trying to just take a day at a time and laugh and cry and realize that it is okay to feel however I am feeling!

I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this before but it is something I am really struggling with right now. We have a placement right now of an infant. She is the sweetest baby and so easy. I knew when we decided to continue our foster care license that it wouldn't be easy saying goodbye to children placed with us...what I did not realize was just how quickly I would bond with each one.

Our current placement is our fourth placement. Each previous placement last a matter of four-five days because they were reunified with their family or placed in another foster home. Even though we had them for such a short amount of time, I still found it difficult to say goodbye. Our current placement though, we've had for 2 1/2 months. I honestly did not think we'd have her this long and we will more then likely have her for a few more months.

I can't really get into specifics and sometimes that makes it hard too because so much is confidential and I know people ask questions because they are curious and want to be supportive but when we can't answer many questions, I know it must make it a little hard for our support system to feel like they are able to help support us.

I love this little baby though. I try and keep the mindset that she is going home because that is where she belongs but the longer we have her, the harder that mindset is to keep some days. Regardless of how hard this can be, it is very rewarding and I am happy that we can provide a home to a child in need. I think with this placement, I will grieve a little bit more and I need to remind myself that that is completely normal.

I feel like I haven't been on in a long time...school got out, Steve was gone, we had family visit for two weeks and did respite for another foster family. Finding the time to sit wasn't always easy but life is somewhat back to normal...or as normal as it can be for us anyway :)

I bought school supplies this weekend. It's hard to believe school starts back up in four weeks!! I really feel like it just ended. I will have a 6th, 4th, 3rd grader and a pre-schooler this year. Where does the time go? I know my kids are supposed to grow up but it just happens much faster then I would like it to.

Emilie has had a huge growth spurt over the last year. She is about 1 1/2 inches shorter then me and is thrilled!! She is asking all those tween questions about when she can start to do more grown up things...thankfully none of it is boy related yet!

Natalie, Kodie and Ethan are just as busy as ever. Ethan asks about school all the time...I know he misses that consistency a lot. Everyone is eager for school to start though. I am so thankful that they love school as much as they do!

The girls and I went to the candle store the other day...they were starting to stock the shelves with fall scents. I L-O-V-E fall...it is probably my favorite season of the year. It always feels like it goes too quickly though. Anyway, the girls and I had fun smelling the new scents and picked out a couple that we will use in a couple of months. It's really hard to believe though that it's almost that time of year again where life gets busy with school starting back up and then all of the end of year holidays.

It just really makes me think. Life literally feels like it is flying by sometimes. I am very fortunate for my life and the many blessings in it. I have too many friends going through hard times right now and it just puts so much into perspective. I know life is not always easy for me but I do have a good life.

Hopefully now that life is slowing down a little, I will find more time to sit and type away...there is so much going on in my head that I'd love to share/discuss.

Homelessness

Today after church, someone who is an outreach worker with Colorado Coalition for the Homeless did a brief talk on the Catholic Social Teaching and how it applies to homelessness. He also spoke about the recent bill that passed here in Denver that basically criminalizes homelessness...if you ask the mayor he would disagree with that statement. He does not feel that by giving a homeless person a ticket or putting them in jail for sleeping on the street would be criminalizing the homeless...I just happen to disagree with him.

Anyway, it was a great talk and interesting to listen to. I believe those that know me know how important this topic is to me. There was discussion about whether our church could open its doors at night and offer a bed or give relief to other churches that might offer a bed to the homeless.

One thing that has surprised me about foster care is how many children taken into care have a parent or parents that are homeless or on the brink of homelessness. Once their children are taken into care, it's hard to get them back. While I understand there are various reasons for this, I find it very sad that a child can be homeless living in a homeless shelter but the state will not take said child from the parents but once the child is brought into state care, the parent needs housing and that cannot be a homeless shelter.

I hope one day to be able to volunteer time at a soup kitchen or shelter...or maybe even be an outreach worker. I just know how easy it is for anyone of us to be that close to being homeless...some more then others.

The one thing I dread about doing foster care is having a placement and becoming really attached and then having to say goodbye. The whole point is to open our doors and provide a safe home to a child in need and although I know this and firmly believe in reunification, it doesn't make it any easier.

We have had our placement now for seven weeks and she just turned 2 months old. She is just the sweetest little baby and I have to admit, I am growing very fond of her. She is smiling, cooing and squealing and it is just so much fun! I don't know how long we will have her and I know she belongs with her parents but I know it will be hard to not have her here. 

I hear from a lot of people that we run into that they'd never be able to do foster care...especially with a baby because they'd never be able to give the baby back. I always try and keep the mentality though that she is ours for now until it's safe to go home and we'll love her while we have her like she is one of our own. I get my baby fix with her but ultimately, we are not doing this for us, we are doing this for the many, many children in need of a safe home. 

In the meantime, I am just trying to enjoy this time with her and I will worry about her leaving when the time comes. All I can hope is that we are able to give her everything she needs and deserves while we have her!

Have you ever wished you could redo a day? Yesterday was one of those days for me...lack of sleep, being stressed out and loneliness finally took its toll.

The last few nights I haven't slept well. Having a newborn in the house, I go to be between 8 and 9 so I can try and get 4-5 hours of sleep before the middle of the night feeding. Steve feeds her at 10 and I am really thankful for that! But I haven't slept well and am up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night and finding time to nap during the day just doesn't happen.

Stress...who doesn't have that right? I have been frustrated with so many things. The kids school, the foster care system and caseworkers who do not reply to emails or return phone calls and feeling like I have no idea what is going on with a child placed with us and then just life in general. I try and not stress about things but sometimes that is easier said then done.

Finally loneliness. We have been here over a year now and I have met people but no friendships have really developed. Most people I know work and when they get home all they want to do is spend time with their own family...which is completely understandable! It's hard being home all day with no one here to talk to. I love being home with my children, don't get me wrong but sometimes I miss working outside of the home and actually having interactions with other adults and feeling like I am getting a little break.

I am not very good at making friends. I feel like I try but maybe I don't try hard enough? I am so insecure and when I do try and it goes no where I begin to feel like it's not even worth trying. I have wonderful friends don't get me wrong...they just don't all live in Colorado with me :)

I always though getting older would be easier in some aspects...at least the whole making friends part. Little did I know that life in general doesn't get easier it just always presents new challenges. I am thankful though for new beginnings and the start of a new day!

Yesterday I took our foster baby in for a visit with her dad. I was so nervous before the visit. Normally before a visit, there is supposed to be an Ice Breaker. An Ice Breaker is supposed to offer an opportunity to meet the birth parents and for them to meet the foster parents. Questions can be asked and ideally I think it's supposed to help set the tone for how families work together. Our Ice Breaker took place right before the visit. I have a hard time starting conversation with people I don't know; especially when I am nervous. I am having to force myself to put myself out there...and I did and it went really well.

Foster care can bring up lots of different emotions. Last weekend I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to keep this little baby for our family. We aren't doing foster care with the absolute intent to adopt again but there is always the possibility it could be presented to us again in the future. When you are up in the middle of the night with a baby, taking them to multiple appointments and bonding with them, how do you keep from wanting to keep them? I think this is something I will struggle with with each placement we have.

The whole point of foster care though is to reunify families if it is safe for them. If you want to adopt, foster care isn't the way to do it unless you are looking for an older child who is waiting for their forever family.

The visit though with this baby's dad helped put everything back in perspective. It's easy to want to keep a child when you have not met the family. All week leading up to the visit, I had been trying to process my feelings and meeting him gave me some peace of mind. We are just going to love on her until she goes home and I know it will still be hard to say goodbye, I know in my heart it is the right thing for her when the time comes.

I spoke with another foster mom on the phone this week. We are going to do respite this summer for their little one. We talked about how we hear all the time how other people could never temporarily keep someone else's child. I haven't had many opportunities to come up with a good response when we hear that but she told me her response is always that they are not doing foster care for themselves; they are doing foster care to help the child...it's not about them, it's about the child. Does this mean she doesn't bond with the child or have a hard time saying goodbye? No, all those things happen but it just helps keep everything in perspective.

Foster care really is about helping a child in need until they can be reunited with their family or who ever their forever family might be.

One leaves and one arrives

Yesterday was a busy day in our household. We prepared for our placement to go home and took photos of all the kids together. I am going to put a photo album together for them so they can keep memories of any child placed with us in it. They grow attached to these little ones and I know it's hard for them to say goodbye so hopefully this will help a little bit.

Around lunchtime, I received an email from our licensing worker wondering if it was okay to call about another placement. She wasn't sure if we would be ready for another or need a little break to process everything. In the end we told her to always call because if we aren't ready, we'll let her know. She gave me the details on this possible placement and we said yes. So the waiting began for the phone call from the intake worker so I could get more info about her and where to pick her up...it turns out she is a real little one.

I received the call and the coordinating began. We agreed to pick her up at 7:00 because Natalie had a hearing test at the school district and then we were taking our current placement in so he could go home and also bringing our respite baby in for a visit with the parents. We arrived to pick her up after all of that was taken care of and found out we were very early. There had been some miscommunication and the hospital wasn't expecting us until 8:00 pm. So Steve took all the kids home and I stayed and watched all required videos before I could take her home. The girls wanted to stay because they were so excited to see her and I imagine while I write this, they will be up very early so they can meet her this morning.

It's been quite awhile since we've had a newborn and I forget how little they. I don't know how long we'll have her but we'll enjoy her as long as we can. I think it's safe to assume that our door may feel like a revolving door some days though.

Another placement

Friday we received a call for another foster care placement. We said yes even though we were doing respite for another foster family for one week. That little one was just so easy and because it was temporary, we went ahead and made the commitment for the new placement.

A foster care placement can last as few as a phone call, a few hours, a few days or much, much longer. I received a call last night letting me know that our new placement actually lived in another county so our county has no jurisdiction and he would have to be pulled from our home. It's great news for him because he's being placed with a family member but I feel so sad for us. 

This afternoon after the girls get out of school, we have to bring him with all of his belongings and give him back. This is the hard part of foster care...it's a roller coaster of emotions! The girls took pictures with him this morning before school and I know this afternoon will be hard for them too. They grew attached to him and so did I. He is so sweet and really so easy and just fit in so well with our family. 

I am trying to remember that this is good for him though and I have to say, we will really miss him even though we've only had him for a few days. My house will be so quiet again come tomorrow. 

Humbled

The past few days around here have been filled with laughter, tears, stress, joy and lack of sleep. On Friday, after phone calls back and forth with the county, we did in fact take placement of two little ones. They were willing to help with transportation to help us out so the two little ones could maintain their visits with their parents. I had no feelings that we should say no.

Friday around 4:30, the social worker showed up with two little ones, 18 months and 6 months. Everyone was pretty excited and they just looked so confused and unsure of what was going on. We welcomed them into our home and worked on some paperwork with the social worker. When she left, I had this feeling of what the heck did we just agree to?!? Steve was still out trying to pick up car seats and bottles and get Emilie to a birthday party and I was home with the others trying to get dinner started for what was sure to be quite the adventure.

Steve arrived home around bedtime. The 6 month old was pretty easy to get down for the night and we'd been given suggestions on how to get the 18 month old down. Nothing worked though. I patted his back, sat with him, tried a bottle and he just screamed and screamed. I felt so bad for him...I knew all of this was not easy for him. Finally after rocking him for quite awhile he fell asleep and I laid him down. He was staying in Ethan's room so we tried to give enough time that when we laid Ethan down, they wouldn't disturb each other. There was no way to know that this was the start of some very sleepless nights.

The first night was rough. We were up every hour on the hour with a screaming child. I worried that Ethan would wake up or even that the girls would wake up. Thankfully they slept through it all! By Saturday morning Steve and I were both so exhausted. I just could not figure out how we were going to manage 6 kiddos with so little sleep and Steve leaving for a five day trip to Utah on Monday.

I was feeling like a failure, my big ego deflated, and so incredibly guilty. As Saturday went on, I just didn't know what I was going to do. My mom and sister were checking in on me to see how it was going and I was and am so thankful for that! By Saturday evening, it really had become apparent that this was just not going to work out. I had realized that I hadn't eaten in two days because I had someone constantly clinging to me. I knew with continued lack of sleep, I would not be able to be a good mom to anyone. I was crying a lot due to lack of sleep and tons of different emotions flowing through me.

Our county that we are licensed through has a 24/7 support line. I decided to call the number about 8:00. The social worker answered the phone and I just fumbled over my words...I couldn't figure out how to even begin. Thankfully she took the reigns and asked who she was speaking to. I told her my name and the next thing I heard was that it was our own licensing worker on the other end of the line. I felt a sense of relief that I was speaking to someone who I knew personally and felt comfortable with. We talked for about an hour and I apologized profusely over and over again. She was so supportive and understood and tried her hardest to make me feel better. We agreed to keep the kiddos until Monday. Luck would have it that she just also happened to be the intake worker on Monday so she would also be the person trying to find them a new home. I hung up with her and felt at peace with the decision.

Saturday evening everyone slept better and I woke up thinking I spoke too soon and that maybe we would be okay. Sunday though would prove that what was best for everyone was not to continue this placement. I struggled all Sunday trying to figure out though if we could do this...I didn't want to give up but kept coming back to the realization that this wasn't the best place for them.

I felt guilt on Monday as we packed up their belongings into my car. I felt like I had let them down. I felt like I had let my family down and that I had let the county down. The last thing I ever wanted to do was take a placement and then a few days later the kiddos have to be placed somewhere else. They have endured enough trauma in their life and I don't want to add to it.

We dropped the girls off at school and headed to their visit with their parents. I met both parents and their mom hugged me. It was so difficult to see her struggle to leave her babies behind. I felt so incredibly sorry for her...her children may have been removed for whatever reason but I cannot help but feel sympathy towards her because the very thought of not having my kids makes my heart hurt.

While we waited in the reception area, our worker was trying to find a new home for them. She did find one and we did the transition together. We discussed how the weekend went so they had a little more information and I cried. I have not cried that much in I don't know how long...I feel a bit embarrassed by it actually. I know deep down they are where they should belong right now but it was so hard giving them up to someone else. Ethan and I got in the car and left them with their new foster parents and I just started balling again.

I spoke to my mom on the way home and to Steve and then texted back and forth with Mary once I was home. My caseworker emailed to make sure I was okay. We arrived home and I put their car seats we had bought away and just felt incredibly sad.

Monday was rough. Today has been better though. I feel more at peace with how it all transpired but still can't help but feel like I let everyone down. I do feel more prepared for the next time though and I feel this experience humbled me a bit because I thought I could do it and it made me realize that while I can, I have to be aware of our limitations too with 4 other children at home, one of whom is only three.

Our first phone call

I survived my first phone call with a placement worker this morning. I was unsure how it would go to be honest...my first instinct is to say yes to any child they call about. Thank goodness for Steve being a bit more levelheaded with somethings!

The call was for a 7 month old and 1 year old...boy did I want to say yes! Ultimately though, the visits are twice a week and the location for this case would be an hour away. I worried that by saying yes, the travel would be hard because of drop off for our kids and then picking up Ethan at lunch and the girls in the afternoon. I want any placement to be successful for everyone involved.

It was a good test though for me. I asked a lot of questions...some they can answer and some they cannot answer depending on how much information they have. I wasn't able to speak to Steve but we texted back and forth trying to decide which was really helpful. It's good to know that I can in fact say no because I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to.

I now feel a little more prepared for our next call though!

As a side note, I should mention that while I may post about our experience with foster care, I cannot discuss specifics about any child placement. I can share ages and gender but names and why they are in state care cannot be discussed because of confidentiality reasons.

And the waiting begins

Okay, so I know I've shared with friends and family on Facebook that we were working on updating our foster care license after our adoption of Ethan. So this week we got our final paperwork in for the kids' physical paperwork and were waiting for the email from our licensing worker that we were in the system and were open to accept foster children.

She told us that because we aren't too picky, that we should be prepared for a phone call right away. This week we got the extra bed put together in Ethan's bedroom, bought some bins that a child placed with us could use to store food, bought some night lights and a pack 'n play. You might wonder why we'd need bins/storage containers for a child to keep food in...maybe? After many trainings and talking to other foster parents, the one common thing they all talk about is how some children have been neglected and will horde food because of it. The idea around letting them pick some snack items that won't go bad and keep it in their very own bin is they know the food is their's and if they need it is there.

We are licensed for infants and then children ages 4-11. We agreed to take medically fragile children and any child really for that matter. We have some concerns about taking children with certain behaviors like cruelty to animals, fire starters or abusive towards other children but we are open minded. We know if the placement is coming from another foster home, those are questions we can ask because they will have that information most likely but if we are the first placement, the social worker will most likely not know that information.

The girls are really excited and we've talked all week about what it means to welcome a child into our home. We've discussed how we are their temporary home while their parent's get better and they can go home. We've discussed that while they are very excited, any child that walks through our doors is going to be in shock and be scared.

I thought for sure it would take awhile to get our first call. This afternoon, Ethan had therapy and when we got home, we had a voicemail. I had missed a call for our first possible placement of two little ones. I am so bummed but I have a feeling we may not have to way long for our next phone call considering when we received our first call, we'd only been in the system for a matter of a few hours.

Anyway, I appreciate all of the support and words of encouragement that has been shared with me. Let the journey begin!

We had a visit today with our social worker. Steve and I...and I should include the kids (specifically the girls) are interested in continuing foster care beyond Ethan's placement with us. Today we spoke about how many children we are willing to foster, the ages we are willing to foster and the needs we think we could handle.

It's a lot to think about...it's hard to not say we want a baby. Who wouldn't right?!? The stories I hear of older children in foster care scare me a little. I believe in every child though, there is good. It may be hard to reach it, to find it but it is there. But knowing how much harder it can be with older children, it makes saying yes to a baby that much easier. We are leaning towards infants through age 10/11 though. I don't feel prepared to take any teens since we have yet to parent one yet.

We were asked how comfortable we would be working with birth parents. I look back to our experience with Ethan and I remember it was awkward at times. We are willing to do it though...I would hope to be able to build some sort of relationship that could be maintained after any child placed with us that is then reunified with their parents. Foster care is ultimately all about reunification if possible.

I have to admit, I am getting really excited that starting next month, we could potentially have a child placed with us. I will always have a sense of sadness for every child pulled from their family but hopefully we can be there in their time of need.