I woke this morning to a baby up at 5:30...much too early but thankfully she fell back asleep and I went about my morning before everyone else woke up. I can say I am definitely not up for mom of the year award this morning. I work constantly on trying to  be patient and calm and not losing my cool with my kids. Some days are easier than others but this morning...well, I don't really know what happened but it was one of those mornings is all I can say. I will say that although I did get caught up in my emotions, I did manage to catch myself and walk away...just not as soon as I wish though. I guess I am a work in progress :)

Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.

I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.

Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.

I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.

We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.

I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)