Life has been busy here this last month or so. Steve was gone for most of November because of Hurricane Sandy. So it was me, five kids and five animals day in and day out trying to make the best of our circumstances. When Steve took this job with FEMA, I never would have thought he could and would be gone more now than when he was active duty. This time around, even though it was only three weeks, was hard on my kids...the girls especially. Emilie at one point asked if he could just quit his job so he wouldn't have to be gone...if only it was that easy. Steve truly loves his job except for the being away from his family part. I felt really bad though that she would want him to quit because she missed him.

I am thankful though for a friend who has helped pick up the girls after school and bring them home. It has been a tremendous help to me!! I am thankful for our licensing worker because when I doubt myself being able to handle being a foster parent, she reassures me that we are doing great. I am thankful for our foster baby's CASA worker because she can read between the lines when talking to me. I am not always the most eloquent person and can ramble a ton and she has a way of understanding me which is so helpful for me :)

We have been busy with birthdays...three of them to be exact since the beginning of November, Thanksgiving and now preparing for Christmas and the New Year. I love this time of year. I love the smells, the sounds, the love that I witness everywhere.

We are almost at the 1 year anniversary of Ethan becoming our son. December 14th is quickly approaching. I am so thankful to have him in our lives. Boys are different that's for sure but he adds something to our family that I didn't know we were missing. Life can be challenging with him because of his sensory needs. It took us about a year to get him comfortable in the bathtub...he enjoys baths now! He requires consistency (I think all kids do but some truly thrive and need it so much more). We took Natalie to a Hibachi grill for her birthday lunch and this was the first time that Ethan did not scream, cry and cover his ears in fear of the sounds and sights of fire. Like I said, life is challenging with him but we are figuring it out!

Last week I was sick along with Emilie and our foster baby. Steve stayed home a couple of days and helped out but I realize that while he tries to help, there was still a lot that was forgotten about :) I am now this week starting to feel normal again. We have our house set up for Christmas. I am ready to do my cookie baking. Almost all of the gifts are wrapped and I am ready to start our Christmas cards. Yes, I really am feeling better and more on top of things now!!

I spoke with Emilie's literacy teacher last week. She was calling to let me know she was so happy that Emilie was back at school after having been sick. She told me that Emilie is truly a joy and hard worker who she doesn't have to remind to do things. It was a nice phone call. I am so thankful for Emilie...I am so thankful for all of my kids though too! This week Emilie and I went through photos from when we went to concentration camps while in living in Germany. One of her classes is going to be discussing the Holocaust over the next six weeks. So we printed off photos from Bergen-Belsen and Auschwitz. I am so thankful that we were able to see so many things first hand while living in Germany. It is one thing to learn about this history in a text book and it is a whole other thing to see it first hand.

This is just a general update...hopefully with the new year I'll be able to blog a little more.

I have to say thank you to those of you that reached out to me today. I know deep down I am not alone but there are days where I feel like I am. I am grateful for those that are supporting me with encouraging words and prayers.

Today was hard...next week will be easier when we take our foster baby for her visit again. Each visit will get easier. I am having to process a lot right now and try and change my thinking a bit. I love the idea of foster parenting and being there within reason to the birth family.

Today consisted of different emotions, starting the day being called a mean mom, lots of tears, encouraging words from some wonderful people and then being told by a different child that they wished I was not their mom. Thank goodness that each day comes to an end with an opportunity to start the next day anew :)

I woke this morning to a baby up at 5:30...much too early but thankfully she fell back asleep and I went about my morning before everyone else woke up. I can say I am definitely not up for mom of the year award this morning. I work constantly on trying to  be patient and calm and not losing my cool with my kids. Some days are easier than others but this morning...well, I don't really know what happened but it was one of those mornings is all I can say. I will say that although I did get caught up in my emotions, I did manage to catch myself and walk away...just not as soon as I wish though. I guess I am a work in progress :)

Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.

I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.

Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.

I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.

We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.

I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)

It has been a long time since I have posted. We had a very busy summer with visitors and other fun stuff. School started back up the beginning of August and my house is quiet again and I am trying to enjoy it. Another reason I haven't posted is because I have been trying to take a step back from certain things...I have felt a bit negative with my attitude and have felt that at times, I couldn't find many positive things to write or post on Facebook. I was also struggling with feeling not too important in some peoples lives. Facebook is great with being able to stay connected but I was starting to feel like I was in high school again and not very popular. Popularity is not something I strive for but at the same time, it's never fun feeling like not many people are interested in your life. So, I post less in general and try to keep it positive. I don't always succeed but I am trying.

Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.

At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.

I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?

My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.

I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.

Feeling very confused lately...doubting relationships with other people. I know I can get caught up in my life but I try and be there for others and some days are easier then others. At some point though I start to wonder what's the point of one sided relationships? Hopefully the strain I am feeling with certain people in my life will pass...I would truly hate to lose anyone important to me. I am thankful for those that are in my life that are understanding and there for me during hard times.

Have you ever wished you could redo a day? Yesterday was one of those days for me...lack of sleep, being stressed out and loneliness finally took its toll.

The last few nights I haven't slept well. Having a newborn in the house, I go to be between 8 and 9 so I can try and get 4-5 hours of sleep before the middle of the night feeding. Steve feeds her at 10 and I am really thankful for that! But I haven't slept well and am up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night and finding time to nap during the day just doesn't happen.

Stress...who doesn't have that right? I have been frustrated with so many things. The kids school, the foster care system and caseworkers who do not reply to emails or return phone calls and feeling like I have no idea what is going on with a child placed with us and then just life in general. I try and not stress about things but sometimes that is easier said then done.

Finally loneliness. We have been here over a year now and I have met people but no friendships have really developed. Most people I know work and when they get home all they want to do is spend time with their own family...which is completely understandable! It's hard being home all day with no one here to talk to. I love being home with my children, don't get me wrong but sometimes I miss working outside of the home and actually having interactions with other adults and feeling like I am getting a little break.

I am not very good at making friends. I feel like I try but maybe I don't try hard enough? I am so insecure and when I do try and it goes no where I begin to feel like it's not even worth trying. I have wonderful friends don't get me wrong...they just don't all live in Colorado with me :)

I always though getting older would be easier in some aspects...at least the whole making friends part. Little did I know that life in general doesn't get easier it just always presents new challenges. I am thankful though for new beginnings and the start of a new day!

Friendship

I value my friendships that I have in my life...and one thing I am realizing with foster care is that life becomes pretty unpredictable and friendships can be easily forgotten about.

With each new placement things are really up in the air for the first couple of weeks while decisions are made about visits with family and child, doctor appointments are made and visits are made with caseworkers and other people involved with decision making for the placed child.

In the last couple of weeks I have felt a bit flakey and I like to think I am not the least bit flakey. I hope that if at times I do seem not on my game, there will be understanding. The last thing I want to do is lose a friend along the way.

Depression

Have you ever felt like the world would be better off without you? I have. I have been that depressed, that low that I could not see how I was making this world a better place. It's been a long time since I have felt that way. I mean, I have days where I don't feel like I am making an impact but I am not so low that I wish I wasn't here.

I've had friends stick by me and friends who have not. It leads me to wonder why some people stick around and others do not. Wouldn't you want someone to be there for you when you feel so sad that you just can't get in a better place? I feel like you can't expect someone to be there for you if you yourself cannot be there for others.

This has been bothering me lately because someone very dear to me is having a rough time. This person is feeling alone and sad. This person deserves others to be there in this time of need.

I get that sometimes it can feel overwhelming to hear the same thing over and over again and it makes it hard because you may not understand what others are going through which then makes it hard to not feel frustrated that this person is not moving on quickly enough. But what is quickly enough? Everyone deals with their problems differently. It may feel like they should be over said problem right away because in your opinion you would be but we are all unique and handle everything so differently.

I am fortunate that I have had people stick with me through my times of trouble. I am thankful that I have gotten through my dark times.

Morning Thoughts

I've been praying a lot lately that God would show me the right path to take for the girls and their schooling. Ethan is in pre-school and because of some of his delays, I think he's in the best place possible right now to meet his needs. I don't feel the same way necessarily for the girls though.

The school they are going to is in it's second year of being open and has so much potential for success! Last night while watching the news though, a commercial came on about a website where you can find out the grade of your school in Colorado. I went on out of curiosity and while I know I should keep a very open mind because there is only one year of data to report on, the school received an F. I do believe some of that is because they do only have one year of data but it was still a shock. It just gives me one more things to consider in the big grand scheme of things.

Another reason I am a bit hesitant though is because we do plan on continuing our foster care license and are hopeful that we will be able to open our home to another placement in the spring sometime. There are benefits to having the girls home while doing foster care...it means being able to take the child if possible to their school they have always been going to if it's in their best interest. It makes it easier to have some one on one time with them during the day which then gives more time after school to a foster child placed with us. One problem I could foresee though is getting to any required meetings that might be held during the day if the girls are home with me. That would be where building a support system would help...and that will come!

I think way too far ahead and really need to take it one step and one issue at a time though. If you wouldn't mind, I'd ask for any prayers that God continues to guide my family as we figure out the best options for us.

Funk...

The last few days I have just felt like I was in a funk. Not sure if it's the lull after the holidays or if it's the fact that today after a three week break from school the kids went back. Although, Natalie spent the day home since she was sick early this morning.

I made a post on Facebook last night about taking a break. Sometimes I wonder if I am on there too much. Sometimes I wonder would I honestly be missed if I just shut down my account. I know I would by some but to be honest, I don't think most would even know. I'm not trying to garner sympathy or anything like that just stating what is pretty darn obvious to me.

To me, Facebook is a bit like high school and I was not really good at the social aspect of high school. I am, I think, a bit socially awkward. I have a hard time striking up a conversation and putting myself out there for fear of rejection. High school is not something I would ever want to experience again for various reasons and now, Facebook makes me feel awkward like I did back then.

Don't get me wrong, I love being able to stay in touch with friends and family....I think the problem for me, is seeing people respond to anyone and everyone except for me. I never expect anyone to respond to everything I post but when I hear that people are so busy that they just get on real quick but then see their posts to others, it's hard to not take that personally.

But I suppose the same could probably be said about me. There are probably times too where I don't post or reply to many people so I guess it's a bit ironic really. Hmmm....is it ironic? I always forget how to use that properly.

Anyway, this has just been weighing on my mind and felt the need to put it out there. Please take no offense because I cherish each person I know...like I said, I think I am just in a funk right now. Hopefully with getting back in the routine of things will help out!