Forrest Eugene...my dad

Today heaven gained another loved person. Six months ago my dad found out he most likely had colon cancer and it had already spread. He was told to follow-up with a doctor but he did not. He was in denial. Two months and six days ago, he was back in the ER and this time my mom was with him. This is when we all found out my dad had cancer and it had spread much more at that point.

I woke this morning at 4:30 and just kept thinking about my parents. I wanted to text my mom but thought it was too early since she's two hours behind me. I figured if she was getting any sleep I didn't want to interrupt it. By 5:30 I went ahead and sent a text. We texted back and forth and she let me know his oxygen levels had dropped lower and his heart rate was higher trying to compensate for the lower O2 levels. He was in a deep sleep and really not responding much to people around him.

I went about my business, doing things on the computer, making breakfast for the kids. I got upset with Natalie this morning for lying to me about cleaning her room and putting her laundry away...it's been hard to not be impatient some days as I try and process everything with my dad. I felt even worse when Natalie told me she wasn't just sad because I yelled but she was just really sad because Grandpa would not be here much longer.

Natalie has been my strong one with all of this. Emilie and Kodie have both cried and talked to me but Natalie has put on a brave face. She sat on my lap and cried and I just held her and hugged her. We talked about how grandpa would be in a better place rejoicing with the angels, Jesus, God and people who have past before him. I told her it's okay to be sad for as long as she needs to be.

About 8:30 I sent another text message to my mom and things were still the same. So I continued with my morning and getting everyone out the door because I needed to get two kids off to school and Kodie to the orthodontist. I dropped the girls off and pulled out of the school parking lot when my phone rang. I answered thinking it was my mom but it was a family friend calling to let me know my dad had passed. It had only been 30 minutes since I had heard from my mom so I was a bit stunned.

I sat in the orthodontist office trying to pass the time while Kodie's teeth were being looked at...texting with a friend and speaking briefly with another while trying to entertain baby A and Ethan in the waiting area. I left there and took Kodie back to school. I got home and spoke to my mom briefly.

It has not really hit me yet. I think it will when I get home to Alaska. But in all honesty, I think these last two months I have already been grieving on some level. I had friends call today and talk to me and I know it helped to not just be sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself.

All day though I just kept thinking about my day. Hoping he is okay and wishing I could feel something to let me know he is okay or see something that would show me he is okay. I'm sure it seems silly but for me, it would be comforting.

I decided to get my hair cut tonight...it's been almost 4 months since my last hair cut and I just needed some time to kinda be pampered and be alone. I got in my car and heard this song playing on the radio

This is one of my favorite songs...I never get tired of hearing it. I then made a quick call to my mom but got her voicemail. While I was on the phone with her voicemail, I had muted my radio. When I un-muted it, I heard this song playing on the radio.

This is another song that I just absolutely love. For some reason when I turned the radio back on, and heard this one playing, I just felt a sense of peace. I don't know if this is supposed to be my sign that my dad is okay but it brought me comfort and peace and for now, it helps a lot. 

I leave tomorrow night to head to Alaska. We celebrated Valentine's day early in our house since I'll miss it with them tomorrow. Steve bought me flowers...I told him it is a two for one deal. It's hard for me to not crack jokes...it breaks the awkward silence. I'll be gone until the morning of the 24th. It's always hard to leave my kids and Steve but I know they'll be okay. This will be the longest I've been away in awhile...thank goodness for phone calls and skype. 

This photo is from New Years Eve when after my trip to Oregon.

This photo was a couple weeks into January after my dad had returned home from Oregon.

This photo is from Saturday. My dad and sister, Mary. 

I have been a tad bit MIA lately...just in a funk and not feeling very social. Yesterday was such a long day. I woke up at 4:30 am after having a dream that my entire family got together for one last family photo of all of us. I'm not sure when the last time we have had a family photo of all of us. It was probably at my sister's wedding which was almost 14 years ago. Steve and I did not get professional photos done at our wedding and ever since then, we have not all lived in Alaska ever since. That makes me quite sad really.

In the last fourteen years, there has been two marriages, eight grandchildren born, a new engagement with twins on the way and two new grandchildren too...so I guess the total is 10 grandchildren with two more on the way in the next couple of months and a new son for my parents which brings the total of children for them to seven. It saddens me to think that the next time we are all together, it will be for my dad's funeral. Any family photos now will forever be missing someone important.

I have just in general been feeling alone. I have friends that are praying for my family...some have told me and I know some are doing it silently and I appreciate it because honestly, I know that is what is helping me have more good days than bad right now. I am feeling unimportant to certain people in my life. This is not what I envisioned my life like as a grown up would be with my siblings. I know everyone gets busy but every once in awhile it would just be nice if for once they would check in with me and see how I was doing. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this but this week, I honestly don't care. I never mean to offend anyone but I am learning that I need to write it all down or say it because the other alternative with holding it all in is just not healthy to do anymore.

This post is a downer what can I say. It is just one of those weeks I guess.

I am finding that life is a roller coaster. I always compare doing foster care to a roller coaster and the last few days after the news of my dad, I have felt like my family has been on a roller coaster...and I am on it along for the ride. Sad thing is, I hate roller coasters. I am terrified...I am afraid I will fall out, something will malfunction and go wrong and when I have gone on them with my kids, my arm automatically reaches out to protect them while I yell, "Oh God, please God, keep us safe". I find myself doing that a lot with different things. I cling to my faith. I cling to God knowing that He will provide.

My dad is currently in Oregon with my mom. They left Alaska Monday night and arrived in Oregon late with news that dad would have surgery Tuesday afternoon. I caught up with all of this news when I woke up in the am and got ready for my day. I again checked in on Facebook while I got baby A up and changed her diaper. Then talked with Kodie while making eggs, while she played with baby A. The latest then was that they were going to put in a PIC line and do TPN...so give him nourishment intravenously. He is very weak because he really has not eaten a good, wholesome meal in over a week...possibly longer. They were doing this to try and help strengthen him for surgery. So now there is more waiting. The hope is to do surgery in the next couple of days and hopefully he will be stronger.

We hope. We pray. My mom sent me a photo of her and my dad from Monday night. I'd seen a photo of him from a week earlier. I then saw a photo of him from about a month ago that my brother posted of him and my niece, Savannah. The three photos are of three very different people and yet the same person because he is my dad in each and everyone...just a weaker, sicker, more fragile dad. It is hard to wrap my head around all of this...especially so far away but seeing the photos made it a little bit easier. And again, we pray and pray some more.

I know that God is in control. I trust that whatever God's plan is, He will provide and be there for all of us regardless of the outcome. I know this to be true. I have felt frustrated the last couple of days. This morning I felt like the whole medical system was a joke. I felt like it gave me no reason to ever go see a doctor. They are after all, "practicing medicine". I mean no disrespect to those in the medical field. I think as a family member though, when you have a loved one going through something very difficult, you hope that the people in charge of the medical decisions will know exactly what to do and that it won't feel like a guessing game.

But again, I pray. You all are praying and I can feel it. I know my mom can feel it too. And again, I have to say, I am so thankful for all of you who are praying, thinking about us and sending encouraging posts and messages!!

What do you do when it's basically the end of the road? That's what my dad is facing at this point. There are no real options for him. They are going to see if they can do an experimental trial but who knows if he will meet the criteria. I have been holding out hope that maybe there would be options. I do still believe in miracles. I do still believe in the power of prayer. I think at this point though, we need the prayers for my dad to bring him comfort because he is scared. I really just can't believe this is real.

Confusion...I think that's what is setting in now. I made the decision not to go to Alaska because we don't have all of the answers with what is going on with my dad. Thursday he saw the oncologist and my parents left without answers. The fluid that was collected from his stomach does not show cancer. The surgeon did say though that he does not need all of these tests to say it is cancer. He would not have all of this going on if it wasn't. Personally, it just makes it easier to keep holding out hope that a miracle can happen and it's not as bad as they think.

This was a week full of ups and downs and at times I just want to walk away from all of it. I am ready to check out and not deal with any of it. I don't know how my mom is getting through it that's for sure. She has so much strength. I know she says prayers are helping her but I think it's so much more than that.

Anyway, so my dad has now been readmitted again and will be having surgery today to fix a bowel obstruction. Hopefully after this surgery they will finally have a clearer picture maybe? I wish someone could tell me what we are really looking at. Are we looking at days? Are we looking at weeks? Are we looking at months? I know ultimately only God knows when our time will be up in this world. I know it is truly an educated guess for the doctors.

Like I said, I am just confused. I woke up feeling like it was not going to be a good day and I am truly praying my feeling is wrong. I am hoping that it's just because of my dad being readmitted. So I again ask for prayers. I know that's what I will be doing.

I am always thankful for each new morning because it brings the opportunity for a new day. I guess yesterday was my day to have a pity party. My feeling defeated was not just about what's going on with my family and unfortunately I can't really discuss it. But I hit a low and had a lot to process and needed to be able to do that so I can move on from here. I take things personally and even if in my head I know I shouldn't, it is still very hard not to.

So today is a new day. My dad sees the oncologist today. I feel like it will take forever to hear anything especially because of the two hour time difference...which honestly is not that big of a difference but today it feels huge. Today this all may finally feel real. It will be good to actually know what is truly going on and not just be going off of assumptions. But thankfully my day will be busy...morning appointment for baby "A", visit with her CASA worker this afternoon, Natalie and Kodie have dance club and Emilie has her last science fair of the day. At least it won't be a borning day :)

At first when this all came out, the feeling was it didn't look good...and even if it has spread, my dad is still his grumpy self who argues with my mom when she is on the phone with us. To me, that tells me he still has his spirit and it brings me peace. I have felt this whole time it really would be okay. I don't really know what that means but I have felt it these last few days.

I had to make the decision to either go now or go if needed at the end. Getting to Alaska is not cheap so my decision is to go at the end...if it comes to that. I know not everyone will understand that. Christmas is less than two weeks away and I have children here who need me. Of course if it was an emergency maybe I'd feel differently but there is no reason for me to board a plane today and miss Christmas with my kids and husband. I think it's easy to think that all of my siblings should be there right now when you are already there but I can't put my life on hold especially when we have no answers right now.

I guess this is me venting a little, trying to clear my head, process everything and move on. As I am getting older it's getting easier but I'm still learning how to do this. Thank you again for all of your prayers. It means so much to me knowing that my friends care and are keeping my dad in their thoughts and prayers.

I've been contemplating how to start this post for a few days now. Everything just seems to surreal to me. I know it's happening but being in Colorado away from my family and having no confirmation 100% gives me the feeling that I can just pretend none of this is real. I talk to some of my siblings and my mom and apparently I am the only one who is sleeping through the night. I am not breaking down really either. I have my moments but they are far and few between. So, does this mean there is something wrong with me?

Friday started out like any other day. Up early getting three kids off to school and getting ready to take our foster baby to see her parents. It was a busy day because it was a half day because of parent teacher conferences and we were getting family photos done in the afternoon. I went about my day like normal. After we were done getting photos done, we were driving home and my phone rang. It was my mom. The tone in her voice was different and I instantly knew something was wrong...I just had no idea what was to come.

My mom proceeded to tell me that she was at the hospital with my dad. That my dad has colon cancer (or that is what was the assumption from everyone). That my dad had found out in August and did not say anything and did not follow up with any doctors. My mom told me he had had a ct scan and it showed spots on his liver and lymph nodes and he had fluid build up in his stomach. I cried but quickly realized that my kids were in the car with me and needed to pull it together. I proceeded to call all my siblings trying to fill them in the rest of the way home.

Emilie has been taking this hard. Kodie has as well. Kodie wrote a note that I found talking about how her grandpa has cancer and may die. She is feeling sad because my dad is her only living grandpa. My parents are their only living grandparents. Natalie has been acting out with her behavior a little bit more than normal. My goal is to try and keep life at home as normal as possible.

Over the weekend and today I have had updates on my dad from my mom. They are waiting for the lab results to come back from the fluid that was drained from his stomach on Friday. They sent that to Seattle so it causes a little delay with getting answers. For now, they are just trying to help him feel better while they wait for answers. He'll see an oncologist and see what options are out there. The assumption right now is that it is metastasized though.

I do believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles and I know it is all in God's hands. I pray most of all that my dad's heart is softened and begins to open. My hope is that he becomes closer to God. I don't know where I will end up when my life here on earth is over and I hope it is heaven and I hope that my dad will be in heaven waiting for me and everyone else he loves.

This is all hard but I am placing my trust and faith in God. It is all I really can do besides pray at this point. I just want to say thank you to everyone who is keeping him in prayer. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I think one lesson that can be learned from all of this is just how important it is to take our health seriously. Please do not ignore recommended tests. So many of them can help prevent so many things.

I have to say thank you to those of you that reached out to me today. I know deep down I am not alone but there are days where I feel like I am. I am grateful for those that are supporting me with encouraging words and prayers.

Today was hard...next week will be easier when we take our foster baby for her visit again. Each visit will get easier. I am having to process a lot right now and try and change my thinking a bit. I love the idea of foster parenting and being there within reason to the birth family.

Today consisted of different emotions, starting the day being called a mean mom, lots of tears, encouraging words from some wonderful people and then being told by a different child that they wished I was not their mom. Thank goodness that each day comes to an end with an opportunity to start the next day anew :)

Yesterday, I sat and would start to write and then proceed to delete what I had written. I did this many times...I am struggling with a lot of things right now. I am feeling like an utter and complete failure. I know it will get better and I imagine some of this will be easier later today.

Yesterday, I got on facebook and deactivated my account...and then realized last night I needed some of my messages that had phone numbers so I reactivated my account. I imagine at some point I will just deactivate all together and be done.

I am realizing who my friends are. I know we all get busy. I am not always the best friend to others but I do try. I realize that where I am at in my life and with doing foster care others may not fully understand how to support me...but I need support. It can be very lonely because there are some limits on what I can talk about.

I don't really know where I am going with this...I guess all I can ask is for support if you can and some prayers. I am trusting in God to get me through this and some days that is hard but I know in the end He will help me.

Yesterday, I blogged and it probably made no sense to others...I keep a lot in and don't talk about things and when I do talk about things, it is with just a couple of people. Anyway, I mentioned a bible verse.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

I feel like yesterday when I saw this in my email, it was the perfect time to receive it. Like I mentioned yesterday, I need to only worry about today and try and not worry about tomorrow...to not worry about things that are not in my control. I don't know why this is so difficult for me...it is a constant struggle. 

In a way, I feel like foster care and having children is helping force me to try and work on this issue for me....but I still struggle and will probably continue to struggle for years to come. I received a phone call from our foster baby's caseworker yesterday. It was a bit unexpected but ultimately I know it was a good development for her. My reaction for myself was an explosion of tears...I hung up the phone and the tears just would not stop. I called my mom, I texted with my sister and called Steve and it helped but what helped the most though was sleep. 

I woke this morning feeling better about the whole situation and I know that God will help me through this. I do not know what the final outcome will be for her but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. 

I don't like to ask for help. I like to try and do it all on my own and at times, I take on way too much but I somehow manage to figure it all out. But, I do ask for prayers. This has been a hard journey with lots of ups and downs and it's only been five months (well, five months this coming Monday). Sometimes I wonder if I need to seek out a therapist. Our licensing worker is great and I know if I needed to talk, I could call her but I also feel like it isn't her job to be my therapist :) The CASA worker on the case has told me to call her anytime and again, I know she means it but I don't want to cross a line where I call too often or put her in a tough position. There is only so much I can discuss with people outside of the case and it gets really hard having all of that stuff bottled up. 

Like I said, I'll figure it out...but if you could pray, I know it will help. I have felt the power of prayer helping me in the past and I know without a doubt it will help me again!

I woke this morning to a baby up at 5:30...much too early but thankfully she fell back asleep and I went about my morning before everyone else woke up. I can say I am definitely not up for mom of the year award this morning. I work constantly on trying to  be patient and calm and not losing my cool with my kids. Some days are easier than others but this morning...well, I don't really know what happened but it was one of those mornings is all I can say. I will say that although I did get caught up in my emotions, I did manage to catch myself and walk away...just not as soon as I wish though. I guess I am a work in progress :)

Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.

I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.

Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.

I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.

We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.

I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)

Homelessness

Today after church, someone who is an outreach worker with Colorado Coalition for the Homeless did a brief talk on the Catholic Social Teaching and how it applies to homelessness. He also spoke about the recent bill that passed here in Denver that basically criminalizes homelessness...if you ask the mayor he would disagree with that statement. He does not feel that by giving a homeless person a ticket or putting them in jail for sleeping on the street would be criminalizing the homeless...I just happen to disagree with him.

Anyway, it was a great talk and interesting to listen to. I believe those that know me know how important this topic is to me. There was discussion about whether our church could open its doors at night and offer a bed or give relief to other churches that might offer a bed to the homeless.

One thing that has surprised me about foster care is how many children taken into care have a parent or parents that are homeless or on the brink of homelessness. Once their children are taken into care, it's hard to get them back. While I understand there are various reasons for this, I find it very sad that a child can be homeless living in a homeless shelter but the state will not take said child from the parents but once the child is brought into state care, the parent needs housing and that cannot be a homeless shelter.

I hope one day to be able to volunteer time at a soup kitchen or shelter...or maybe even be an outreach worker. I just know how easy it is for anyone of us to be that close to being homeless...some more then others.

Who I Am

Politics and social issues have always been something that I have found fascinating and loved to read and learn more about. I totally get that I am in a small minority with some of my beliefs. There are times I feel compelled to post articles I read onto Facebook and share my feelings on those issues...and I absolutely never mean to offend anyone with my opinions.

I am pro-life. I struggle with war. I struggle with the death penalty. I find that every human being regardless of how awful and evil they may seem is worthy of love and respect. I may not always agree with how other live their lives but I am sure others would not always agree with how I live mine.

The verse in the bible (and forgive me because I am not great and knowing which verse is which) that speaks of not casting the first stone...not judging others...I try and live my life with that in mind. I find myself guilty of it from time to time but I do try hard to keep an open mind and not judge.

I am a Christian. I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and so many more things. I hope I never offend anyone with my opinions even when they might seems completely irrational :)

Depression

Have you ever felt like the world would be better off without you? I have. I have been that depressed, that low that I could not see how I was making this world a better place. It's been a long time since I have felt that way. I mean, I have days where I don't feel like I am making an impact but I am not so low that I wish I wasn't here.

I've had friends stick by me and friends who have not. It leads me to wonder why some people stick around and others do not. Wouldn't you want someone to be there for you when you feel so sad that you just can't get in a better place? I feel like you can't expect someone to be there for you if you yourself cannot be there for others.

This has been bothering me lately because someone very dear to me is having a rough time. This person is feeling alone and sad. This person deserves others to be there in this time of need.

I get that sometimes it can feel overwhelming to hear the same thing over and over again and it makes it hard because you may not understand what others are going through which then makes it hard to not feel frustrated that this person is not moving on quickly enough. But what is quickly enough? Everyone deals with their problems differently. It may feel like they should be over said problem right away because in your opinion you would be but we are all unique and handle everything so differently.

I am fortunate that I have had people stick with me through my times of trouble. I am thankful that I have gotten through my dark times.

Each Sunday there is always a homeless person standing at the intersection with a sign. Recently we noticed a tree near the intersection and there is a tarp covering some of the branches. There was also a path with footprints leading from the tree to the intersection.

Yesterday on our way to church, we pulled off the interstate at our exit. As usual the same man was standing at the intersection. I looked over to the tree though and saw a woman walking along that path. It broke my heart. I cannot imagine having to sleep outside.

I have slept outside all night without proper clothing or warmth. It was when I came to Denver for World Youth Day. We camped out at night and slept on the ground...and it was freezing!! That's why I cannot imagine how someone could do that in winter.

I have been fortunate to always have a roof over my head and for that, I am very thankful!

Do you ever feel like you are questioned for who you are? I grew up Catholic and still am. I lived in Utah for a couple of years when my dad was active duty and because my family had five kids with one more on the way, it was just assumed that we were Mormon. At the time I never really understood why but now as an adult, I realize it's because typically both of these denominations have larger families (not always though). I have always felt that attending a Catholic church was something to be ashamed of. I am not ashamed though. I guess my point about Catholic and Mormon (LDS) is both come under a lot of scrutiny. I may question other denominations but often times it is only because I may not understand but ultimately whether I understand or not, I will always give them respect.

For me, I am a child of God...a Christian before anything else. I am a sinner and I try hard not to be but I make mistakes and all I can hope for is forgiveness and that the next day I can try and improve on each previous day.

I have seen so many articles lately speaking poorly about the Catholic church but also speaking poorly about being a Christian. When did it become unpopular to be one? I think there are fanatics everywhere. People who give different groups a bad name.

I know people who are atheists who are very good people at heart. I guess all I ask is that while I may be very conservative on certain things, I am also a bit liberal on other things that my opinions are respected. We may not always agree on topics but I can respect everyone enough to respect their opinions. I may not understand them but I can guarantee they may not understand where mine come from either.

I believe all life is important and has value no matter how young or old. I cannot say who will and who will not get to heaven. I never feel deserving enough that I will but I sure I hope I do.

I've just come across so many articles in the news lately where it's one side against the other and I just find it quite sad that so many people throw so much hate around. I question a lot of things that I read and question where it's coming from. I just always try and keep an open mind and remember there are always two sides to every story out there.

Strength and Faith

Someone recently mentioned to me that I have a lot of strength. It left me thinking about a lot of things. 2011 was a year with a lot going on. Some days I wonder how we made it through pretty unscathed. Was it because I had strength or was it because I had faith that gave me strength?

I am thankful for friends who prayed for us. When we were still in Germany in 2010, we knew the changes that were coming. We new early in the year that Steve would be retiring from Germany which had not been in our plans...but they were obviously in God's plans. I was the Religious Education Coordinator for pre-k through 5th grade in Germany. I worked up until we left Germany; I think I stopped working about a week maybe before we got on a plane to head back to the states. Every Sunday I went to work to run the program, there were wonderful parent's and volunteers who I would speak with and they were always very encouraging. There were comments that I seemed to be handling it really well. What many people did not realize was I was so scared but I knew that with everyone praying for us and with placing my trust in God, we would get through this next bump in the road.

My faith has not always been so strong. I grew up going to church very regularly. I went to Religious Education every year until Confirmation and was Confirmed when I was a Junior in High School (I think but could be wrong). I didn't want to be confirmed. I wasn't sure if I was honestly ready to take that next step. My mom forced me to go and although I wasn't necessarily happy, I'm glad she made me go.

It was during this time that I really thought a lot about what my vocation might be. Missionary work had always interested me and something I really found joy in was volunteering...I still do actually. I would rather volunteer somewhere then work and make any money. I also started considering whether maybe I should enter the Religious life and become a nun. I wanted a family but was feeling pulled in both directions. I got in contact with a couple different convents my Senior year in High School. I wrote letters to my Aunt Glenda and discussed it with her. She was supportive and told me that if it was something I really wanted to do she thought it was good. Through our letters, she also talked to me about Psalm 23. She told me it was something she would read in times of sadness.

Psalm 23 has gotten me through a lot of hard times. After high school, I worked and hung out with friends. I don't want to say I was hanging out with the wrong crowd because they were my friends and I still consider them friends to this day but I did make some very poor choices. I became someone that I didn't recognize. I fell away from His grace. I felt that I knew better then anyone else and left home one night. I didn't let me parents know and just took off. I stayed in a motel and was just so clueless. I lived in a motel for about a month. Looking back, it was dangerous and stupid. I made these choices and I am ashamed but I had to hit rock bottom to grow from it and rise up again.

As the money ran out, I ended up staying with another friend briefly before asking my parents if I could come back home. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to admit that I was stupid in my decisions. I felt like giving up. I felt like dying would be a better alternative then to face the consequences of my choices. I remember laying in my room at my parent's home one night crying and feeling very sorry for myself and my mom was not sympathetic at all. I can't remember her words exactly but it was something along the lines of to stop feeling sorry for myself. I remember thinking she was being so harsh but they were exactly the words I needed to hear.

I had lost faith along the way because the life I was living came between God and me. I started going back to church, paying back debts that I owed and getting my life back together. I remember Psalm 23 often during this time.

I am thankful for my parents for taking hard line with me. I am thankful for a forgiving God. I am thankful for second chances. Those difficult times helped me become stronger in my faith so that as I have gotten older, it has made it easier to just place my trust in him. This doesn't mean that I don't ever struggle but I do find it easier to trust.

TGIF

It's is Friday! I am so ready for the weekend...although, I don't think there will be much time to actually rest!!

Kodie is getting ready for her sacrament preparation starting this weekend. She'll have class every Saturday to prepare for First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion...she is so excited :) I need to see if Emilie's dress will fit her or if we'll have to search for a dress that can be her very own.

When Emilie made her First Communion, she was to tall to wear my dress so we bought her a dress of her own. Natalie was able to wear my dress and it's fun to look at photos of me in the dress, Natalie in the dress and the best part is even my cousin Sarah wore it, my mom and her sister (my Aunt Mary and Sarah's mom). I know Kodie was hoping to wear the family dress but she, like Emilie, is too tall for it.

I sort of dread having class on Saturday for Kodie and then class on Sunday for all three of them...our weekends are so busy sometimes already that I am trying to figure out when we'll have time to relax. At least it's for a good reason though and only until the beginning of May!

Regardless, the sun is shining and it's feeling a tad bit warmer out today and it's Friday!!

Lately I have been feeling so frustrated with life in general. I feel like we, more specifically me, have had so much going on that I was not really checked in at times. I suppose that's how I survived moving from Germany sooner than we were expecting, moving to Alaska until Steve found a job, Steve retiring and starting a new job, moving again and starting all over in Colorado and then getting licensed for foster care so we could finally finalize the adoption of Ethan.

Last year stunk quite frankly! It is not a year that I ever want to do again and was very hopeful that 2012 was going to be a little more mellow and less stressful. I think I was kidding myself though because it seems as we get older, life just becomes more stressful. Is it just me? I can't imagine that I am the only one who feels or has felt this way?!? Right??

I trust in God that everything will work out and be fine but that doesn't mean I don't at times doubt. I ultimately know things will work out however they are supposed to but I feel like I put so much pressure on myself to not make mistakes and be there for others that I end up so disappointed in myself and feel like a failure if I don't meet my expectations.

As I've gotten older (and I'm aware that I'm not that old :) ), I've gotten more confident in a way. I speak up when I think something is wrong where as when I was in my early 20's, I would have just said nothing. I feel like I have more "fight" in me now and some days I think it's a good thing and other days I think I need to just keep quiet until I work through my feelings before I overreact.

Forgive me if I ramble...I do that often and I get lost in thought and then just write whatever I am thinking regardless of whether it all makes sense. For me, it makes sense but others may not "get" my train of thought and thinking.

Something more positive

Okay...my last post was a bit of a downer right? How about something more positive...I wanted to share an organization that I really like. The girls and I picked out different items to buy before Christmas and they had fun doing it.

It's called Samaritan's Purse. It's a Christian organization that helps those in need. Have you heard of Operation Christmas Child? I would like to do this, this year. You use a shoebox and fill it with little toys/objects and candy that is then sent to a child in need all over the world. I've had friends who have already done this and I know it was a rewarding experience for them.

What the girls and I did was look through an online catalog and pick out different items to donate. We had many different options. Some of them to name a few were:

1. Teach a child to read and write

2. Build a school or impoverished children

3. Life-saving mosquito nets

4. Clean water for a thirsty community

5. Sheep

6. Baby chicks

There are so many more things you can purchase/donate. We decided on an amount to spend and then picked different things. I think the thing they got a kick out was being able to donate money for baby chicks for a family!

We look forward to doing this again this year and I just wanted to share this great organization with you all :)