Rough start to the week....but it will get better!

I was hoping this week would have a better start but I was wrong...the weekend ended leaving me feeling pretty broken up. This week will improve and my hope is that will happen tomorrow. For some reason this morning my kids just couldn't stay on task. At 8:00 when we should be walking out the door to get off to school, Natalie was just then letting the dog out which is when we realized she'd had an accident...so I got busy cleaning that up while Natalie finished making her lunch. We got out of the house and thankfully everyone was on time to school.

The day did get better though. I had a friend stop by to bring Girl Scout cookies and we visited for a few minutes. I talked to my mom for a bit and texted with my sister too. Everyone enjoyed dinner and I am now sitting here on the bathroom floor while Baby A takes a bath. She has graham cracker in her hair and is having a blast!

Tomorrow will be busy getting her to a visit with her parents and then in the afternoon I have a doctors appointment...I dread these appointments. I never go unless I have to and this time I have to. It is time for a physical as we get ready for our re-certification for our foster care license. I am going to have to bring up my dad's colon cancer and all of the recommendations for colonoscopies for me from his surgeons. 7 more years and I guess I will have the pleasure of beginning those screenings :)

I guess the day started out no fun but thankfully is ending on a more positive note!

Potty training...oh the joys!!

We are in the midst of potty training Ethan and let me tell you, I have never felt so frustrated before. With the girls, it was relatively easy. They were all 2 1/2 and took a week or less...so easy!! Kodie came home from the hospital and a week later Emilie was more than ready to be a big girl and not a baby anymore.

I have always heard from others that boys are more difficult. Ethan is 4 years old and it's been challenging. His teacher at school requested that we send him in underwear a few weeks ago so we've been doing that and then let him wear them the rest of the day. He is good about not having accidents until it's going number two...that's been the tricky part of all of this journey with him.

Today though, I felt so proud when he said he needed to go potty and headed to the bathroom. He did it!! Went to the bathroom and managed to not have an accident. It is such a huge step for  him and gives me renewed hope that he is getting the idea :)

My 100th post

Who knew I had this much to say to be at my 100th post huh?? Honestly, if I wasn't posting daily (or trying to) about a different orphan a day, I would not be here just quite yet...but I am :)

I am sitting on my couch playing catch up on Facebook, emails, and blogging instead of laying down sleeping because as the day goes on, I just am feeling worse and worse. I woke up feeling great and am now congested with a horrendous headache. I had every intention to clean my curtains today...it may have to wait until next weekend.

We have been busy in our house cleaning, organizing and building a donate pile. For people who know me, this will sound normal maybe but I get such a high cleaning house and de-cluttering :) not sure why but it makes me feel good!! I found a ton of things in my kids dresser drawers so that's what triggered this feeling that I needed to clean this weekend. Now we just need to get it all hauled off to our church and the bigger stuff to the thrift store.

We've been in our home for almost a year and a half. I have painted just about every room except for mine. We are slowly trying to prepare to start finishing the basement so the kids can play down there safely and so we'll have an extra room for people who visit. Finding time to do all of this proves to be rather challenging but it'll get done slowly but surely.

My dad is still hanging in there having good days and bad days. I am just so thankful for everyone out there who has been praying for him and my family. I have been trying to figure out how to prepare for his loss but I know I can't. His passing will not be sudden so in a way I think that is helping me prepare a little bit.

I am not only trying to prepare for his passing though...I am trying to prepare for baby A going home. I don't know if it will happen but if it does, it's going to be hard. The bright side is, I will handle it and be okay and so will my kids. When she was placed with us almost 9 months ago, I thought we'd have her a month or maybe a couple of months...I never imagined we'd have her this long. She is just so sweet. She hates car rides though...I have never had a baby who hated car rides. She is crawling, cruising along furniture and just developing/growing so wonderfully.

I guess these are my random thought for this beautiful Sunday afternoon, for my 100th post to my blog. Not too exciting but that's okay I think!

Just some random photos from yesterday...fun at the museum yesterday!

Family reading time last night...it started out as a punishment if you will but in the end, everyone enjoyed it and I do believe this will become a weekly thing for us!

The roller coaster of life...come along for the ride!

I have three girls all close in age. I have had many comments over the years and jokes about what life will be like when they hit the hormonal teen years...guess what? We are there!! I keep thinking they may not survive :) but really, I wonder if I will survive. I know many have parented before me and many will parent after me so ultimately I do know that this too will pass.

Emilie is a quiet child. Natalie is not. Kodie, well, she is a mix of both but is pretty easy still. The last couple of weeks have been challenging for so many different reasons. Everyone went back to school last week and Monday morning was a morning that I wanted to forget. We've been trying to reinforce the rules of the house and it was met with some resistance. 

Emilie shuts down, refuses to talk and is mad at me about everything anymore. Natalie gets upset, yells, runs upstairs while saying things that are hurtful. Two complete opposites and keep life interesting here. I feel like I am on a roller coaster with both of them most days...so, if you have been reading my posts, you will now know that I am on a roller coaster. I am on a roller coaster with foster care, trying to process my dad's cancer, having five kids, trying to potty train Ethan and girls with hormones! Fun times right?? 

I have decided, that although Natalie says hurtful things, I think at this point I'd much rather hear what she has to say then be met with the alternative of a child who refuses to speak to me and acknowledge my existence. I may regret admitting that but for now it's easier to work with someone who will at least talk to me. 

Today has just been a downer here...I am exhausted, feeling sad about things that I can't really discuss and ready to throw in the towel. But I just keep reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day and I thank God for that!!

I am not sure how many people read what I write or who are interested in anything I have to say. I feel like I have written about a lot of gloom and doom though lately. My family had life change very quickly and I had small moments of doubt but ultimately felt like everything would be okay. Regardless of whether everything is okay though, I find myself thanking God for all He does for me and those I care about.

This morning I was getting the kids ready hoping Baby A would sleep just a little longer and then the phone rang....and within seconds I heard crying and knew everyone was definitely up in our home. The phone call was a recorded message from my kids school. Apparently last week a student at their school had posted something very questionable on his Facebook page...before the tragedy that took place in Connecticut. Word got out though and it was spreading throughout the school...except my kids knew nothing about it thank goodness!! The situation was handled and dealt with and there was never any danger though to anyone but it's still kind of scary to think.

I talked with the girls this morning though about the importance of not saying random, dumb comments that could potentially scare someone else and that if they hear people making these kinds of comments to talk to an adult. I know they feel safe at school. They have lockdowns often enough that they know what to do....but how sad is it, that in this day and age, they have to teach the students about lock downs? I do not remember ever having those when I was in school. Times have certainly changed.

We also talked about how they can pray too. It doesn't have to just be at night..it can be whenever they feel scared. I know they know this but wanted to reemphasize this to them more. We talked about how they can talk to God whenever they want....whether they are happy, scared, sad or angry.

I sent them off to school though. I know they are being well taken care of and are safe...and they are a three minute drive from home so that always helps too!!

I've been contemplating how to start this post for a few days now. Everything just seems to surreal to me. I know it's happening but being in Colorado away from my family and having no confirmation 100% gives me the feeling that I can just pretend none of this is real. I talk to some of my siblings and my mom and apparently I am the only one who is sleeping through the night. I am not breaking down really either. I have my moments but they are far and few between. So, does this mean there is something wrong with me?

Friday started out like any other day. Up early getting three kids off to school and getting ready to take our foster baby to see her parents. It was a busy day because it was a half day because of parent teacher conferences and we were getting family photos done in the afternoon. I went about my day like normal. After we were done getting photos done, we were driving home and my phone rang. It was my mom. The tone in her voice was different and I instantly knew something was wrong...I just had no idea what was to come.

My mom proceeded to tell me that she was at the hospital with my dad. That my dad has colon cancer (or that is what was the assumption from everyone). That my dad had found out in August and did not say anything and did not follow up with any doctors. My mom told me he had had a ct scan and it showed spots on his liver and lymph nodes and he had fluid build up in his stomach. I cried but quickly realized that my kids were in the car with me and needed to pull it together. I proceeded to call all my siblings trying to fill them in the rest of the way home.

Emilie has been taking this hard. Kodie has as well. Kodie wrote a note that I found talking about how her grandpa has cancer and may die. She is feeling sad because my dad is her only living grandpa. My parents are their only living grandparents. Natalie has been acting out with her behavior a little bit more than normal. My goal is to try and keep life at home as normal as possible.

Over the weekend and today I have had updates on my dad from my mom. They are waiting for the lab results to come back from the fluid that was drained from his stomach on Friday. They sent that to Seattle so it causes a little delay with getting answers. For now, they are just trying to help him feel better while they wait for answers. He'll see an oncologist and see what options are out there. The assumption right now is that it is metastasized though.

I do believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles and I know it is all in God's hands. I pray most of all that my dad's heart is softened and begins to open. My hope is that he becomes closer to God. I don't know where I will end up when my life here on earth is over and I hope it is heaven and I hope that my dad will be in heaven waiting for me and everyone else he loves.

This is all hard but I am placing my trust and faith in God. It is all I really can do besides pray at this point. I just want to say thank you to everyone who is keeping him in prayer. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I think one lesson that can be learned from all of this is just how important it is to take our health seriously. Please do not ignore recommended tests. So many of them can help prevent so many things.

Life has been busy here this last month or so. Steve was gone for most of November because of Hurricane Sandy. So it was me, five kids and five animals day in and day out trying to make the best of our circumstances. When Steve took this job with FEMA, I never would have thought he could and would be gone more now than when he was active duty. This time around, even though it was only three weeks, was hard on my kids...the girls especially. Emilie at one point asked if he could just quit his job so he wouldn't have to be gone...if only it was that easy. Steve truly loves his job except for the being away from his family part. I felt really bad though that she would want him to quit because she missed him.

I am thankful though for a friend who has helped pick up the girls after school and bring them home. It has been a tremendous help to me!! I am thankful for our licensing worker because when I doubt myself being able to handle being a foster parent, she reassures me that we are doing great. I am thankful for our foster baby's CASA worker because she can read between the lines when talking to me. I am not always the most eloquent person and can ramble a ton and she has a way of understanding me which is so helpful for me :)

We have been busy with birthdays...three of them to be exact since the beginning of November, Thanksgiving and now preparing for Christmas and the New Year. I love this time of year. I love the smells, the sounds, the love that I witness everywhere.

We are almost at the 1 year anniversary of Ethan becoming our son. December 14th is quickly approaching. I am so thankful to have him in our lives. Boys are different that's for sure but he adds something to our family that I didn't know we were missing. Life can be challenging with him because of his sensory needs. It took us about a year to get him comfortable in the bathtub...he enjoys baths now! He requires consistency (I think all kids do but some truly thrive and need it so much more). We took Natalie to a Hibachi grill for her birthday lunch and this was the first time that Ethan did not scream, cry and cover his ears in fear of the sounds and sights of fire. Like I said, life is challenging with him but we are figuring it out!

Last week I was sick along with Emilie and our foster baby. Steve stayed home a couple of days and helped out but I realize that while he tries to help, there was still a lot that was forgotten about :) I am now this week starting to feel normal again. We have our house set up for Christmas. I am ready to do my cookie baking. Almost all of the gifts are wrapped and I am ready to start our Christmas cards. Yes, I really am feeling better and more on top of things now!!

I spoke with Emilie's literacy teacher last week. She was calling to let me know she was so happy that Emilie was back at school after having been sick. She told me that Emilie is truly a joy and hard worker who she doesn't have to remind to do things. It was a nice phone call. I am so thankful for Emilie...I am so thankful for all of my kids though too! This week Emilie and I went through photos from when we went to concentration camps while in living in Germany. One of her classes is going to be discussing the Holocaust over the next six weeks. So we printed off photos from Bergen-Belsen and Auschwitz. I am so thankful that we were able to see so many things first hand while living in Germany. It is one thing to learn about this history in a text book and it is a whole other thing to see it first hand.

This is just a general update...hopefully with the new year I'll be able to blog a little more.

Today was a good day. Steve left this morning for Ohio and then Pennsylvania because of Hurricane Sandy. We knew it was coming. Some of his coworkers left Saturday and more are leaving tomorrow. It doesn't make it any easier for my kids though. How do you explain to them why he is gone so much? It could be worse...he could still be active duty but for them, that doesn't matter if he's gone for a week, a couple weeks or for months at a time.

He will miss Halloween, Kodie and Ethan's birthdays and a very important trip to the car dealer to get my car taken care of :) For my kids, him missing Halloween and their birthdays is a big deal. For me, him being gone and me having to take five kids to the dealer to sit around while my car is worked on is a big deal. Like I said though, it could be worse.

Anyway, like I said, today was a good day. The last few days I had felt like a referee with arguments and what not but everyone tried hard today to get along. We took our foster baby in for a visit with her parents too. That went so much better than the last time. I got my ballot to the post office and have officially voted as well.

Today was a productive day and the day is coming to an end. Here's hoping tomorrow morning goes well and my car doesn't take too long. My kids are excited to go trick-or-treating and it will be an interesting time with no help and five kids!

We are trying to teach our kids to be friends to everyone but at the same time teaching them that if someone is a bully to keep their distance. I don't want them to get into trouble because they were with the wrong person at the wrong place/time. It's a hard thing to teach in a way. Kids are learning so much.

I felt proud recently though when Natalie and I were talking about school. There is a child in her class that has a reputation of being a bully. Anyway, she told me she plays with him because no one else will. I feel proud of her for reaching out to another child and trying to be a friend when no one else will.

In all the moments where I feel like I am failing and not being the best mom I can be, it is moments like that where I realize that I am doing some things right!

This school year so far has been going really well for my kids. Everyone has great teachers and it's just a much better feel compared to last year. I guess for today, I want to focus on Emilie though.

Emilie is our quieter child who can take a little longer to open up and be chatty but she is fun and has lots to say once you get to know her! Every year is hard for her. The beginning and the end are the two days of school I always dread the most. She cries and as she gets older, I feel bad because it is hard enough being the quiet kid but then add crying and, well, let's face it, kids can be mean and I don't want there to be anymore reason for her to be teased or made fun of.

She has a few select friends that she has really bonded with and of course this year none of them are in her classes. This is good and bad. It forces her to try and make new friends which is good but bad. Thankfully her Literacy teacher took her under her wing and can see what I see and I am so very thankful for that!! However, her science teacher is really another story. The first thing that came out of her mouth was Emilie is too quiet and really needs to open up. I have to say, I am quite sick of people, teachers and anyone for that matter saying that to me about my daughter. I have heard it every school year and it really has gotten old. Why can't they be thankful to have a child who listens to the rules, is respectful of others?

Natalie and Kodie are the complete opposite. Last year Natalie was constantly in trouble for talking and it was always on her report card that she talked too much and needed to work on that. So as a parent, I feel like a teacher should be grateful for the Emilie's in the world :)

Anyway, Emilie had a science fair last week and we walked in the school and I was approached by a group of girls who were oohing and awing over our foster baby...she is a real hit wherever we go! They wanted to know whose mom I was and I told them. All they had to say was they knew her and that she is so quiet and won't talk to people. So now I am hearing this from adults and kids and it makes me think if this is being said in front of Emilie, how is this supposed to make her feel?

I always defend her and always will. Others may not be appreciative of a quieter child but I sure am!!

I woke this morning to a baby up at 5:30...much too early but thankfully she fell back asleep and I went about my morning before everyone else woke up. I can say I am definitely not up for mom of the year award this morning. I work constantly on trying to  be patient and calm and not losing my cool with my kids. Some days are easier than others but this morning...well, I don't really know what happened but it was one of those mornings is all I can say. I will say that although I did get caught up in my emotions, I did manage to catch myself and walk away...just not as soon as I wish though. I guess I am a work in progress :)

Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.

I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.

Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.

I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.

We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.

I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)

I feel like I haven't been on in a long time...school got out, Steve was gone, we had family visit for two weeks and did respite for another foster family. Finding the time to sit wasn't always easy but life is somewhat back to normal...or as normal as it can be for us anyway :)

I bought school supplies this weekend. It's hard to believe school starts back up in four weeks!! I really feel like it just ended. I will have a 6th, 4th, 3rd grader and a pre-schooler this year. Where does the time go? I know my kids are supposed to grow up but it just happens much faster then I would like it to.

Emilie has had a huge growth spurt over the last year. She is about 1 1/2 inches shorter then me and is thrilled!! She is asking all those tween questions about when she can start to do more grown up things...thankfully none of it is boy related yet!

Natalie, Kodie and Ethan are just as busy as ever. Ethan asks about school all the time...I know he misses that consistency a lot. Everyone is eager for school to start though. I am so thankful that they love school as much as they do!

The girls and I went to the candle store the other day...they were starting to stock the shelves with fall scents. I L-O-V-E fall...it is probably my favorite season of the year. It always feels like it goes too quickly though. Anyway, the girls and I had fun smelling the new scents and picked out a couple that we will use in a couple of months. It's really hard to believe though that it's almost that time of year again where life gets busy with school starting back up and then all of the end of year holidays.

It just really makes me think. Life literally feels like it is flying by sometimes. I am very fortunate for my life and the many blessings in it. I have too many friends going through hard times right now and it just puts so much into perspective. I know life is not always easy for me but I do have a good life.

Hopefully now that life is slowing down a little, I will find more time to sit and type away...there is so much going on in my head that I'd love to share/discuss.

Have you ever wished you could redo a day? Yesterday was one of those days for me...lack of sleep, being stressed out and loneliness finally took its toll.

The last few nights I haven't slept well. Having a newborn in the house, I go to be between 8 and 9 so I can try and get 4-5 hours of sleep before the middle of the night feeding. Steve feeds her at 10 and I am really thankful for that! But I haven't slept well and am up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night and finding time to nap during the day just doesn't happen.

Stress...who doesn't have that right? I have been frustrated with so many things. The kids school, the foster care system and caseworkers who do not reply to emails or return phone calls and feeling like I have no idea what is going on with a child placed with us and then just life in general. I try and not stress about things but sometimes that is easier said then done.

Finally loneliness. We have been here over a year now and I have met people but no friendships have really developed. Most people I know work and when they get home all they want to do is spend time with their own family...which is completely understandable! It's hard being home all day with no one here to talk to. I love being home with my children, don't get me wrong but sometimes I miss working outside of the home and actually having interactions with other adults and feeling like I am getting a little break.

I am not very good at making friends. I feel like I try but maybe I don't try hard enough? I am so insecure and when I do try and it goes no where I begin to feel like it's not even worth trying. I have wonderful friends don't get me wrong...they just don't all live in Colorado with me :)

I always though getting older would be easier in some aspects...at least the whole making friends part. Little did I know that life in general doesn't get easier it just always presents new challenges. I am thankful though for new beginnings and the start of a new day!

Pressure

I read something on Facebook this morning from a site I follow. It was about a blog post from a mom. The poster was discussing feeling pressured to be the very best mom out there and spoke about how going onto Pinterest and reading magazines can add to that pressure to be the best.

I found it interesting...I am always questioning whether I am doing a good job raising my children. I worry that I don't spend enough time with them. I worry that I am not always patient enough with them. I worry they'll pick up on my bad habits. I worry, worry, worry!

I do follow Pinterest...it's been a few weeks since I've been on there but I have to admit, seeing everyone's "pins" sometimes made me feel inadequate. I would find myself "pinning" things just to pin them; let's face it, I am 99% sure I am not going to actually try most of the things I came across. I found some fun recipes and there were lots of neat hair tutorials and craft project ideas but to be honest, I do not have the time to devote to half of everything on there.

I read magazines and not that often anymore because I feel like it gives me a false perception of other people's lives...I watch my friends and wonder how they manage to handle everything that comes their way and at least appear to not break a sweat. It appears so easy for others. I have friends who homeschool and I for the life of me cannot figure out how they keep up with it, their own schedules, their homes, their life with their spouse and everything else.

I am trying very hard to just do the very best I can, not sweat the small stuff and just enjoy this time with my kids and be in the moment now.

Do you ever feel like you are not a good mom? I am constantly questioning whether I am. I love my children and would do anything for them but somedays I struggle with being patient and not being frustrated with them.

We have been contemplating the age of children and behaviors we'd be willing to work with while doing foster care. The toddler age is very difficult for me...they are so cute, inquisitive and fun but challenging because of the independence they are beginning to have and realizing they have control over somethings. I think I have found that babies are easy (at least for me) and then four year olds and older. But I am also aware that taking in older foster children often times means welcoming children with many more challenges.

I have found that as I've gotten older that it has gotten easier but I hope their memories of me are not of me yelling or being frustrated with them. I always try and remind myself that I can start again the next day and will always try to do better...but I wonder if that's enough.

Self Esteem

This morning I met with a special ed rep with the school district. I had inquired a couple weeks ago if Aurora Public Schools (APS) was required to still provide IEP services if a child was home schooled. Apparently APS is not...most other districts around the world will though and also give the option for students to join in for art, music and pe.

About a week or so ago, I spoke with a dear friend on the phone about my thoughts and she lent her perspective. She also told me to be prepared that the school would try and talk me out of home schooling. They sort of did...the rep told me that APS offers something called School Choice. It's where we as parents can try and get our kids into a different school in the school district.

What does that mean for me? Well, if I got them or one of them into another school it would mean getting four kids to school and to different schools. I don't see how that would work. I appreciate the information she provided though and the lending ear she provided as well.

We sat and talked about my frustration with the miscommunication I have encountered at the school and the lack of communication. We talked about how APS does things differenlty then any other district we've been with...she moved here a year ago as well from Florida.

Anyway, you might be wondering what all this has to do with my title, Self Esteem....maybe?? Well, as the conversation wrapped up, she made a comment to me that she thought I was great. My response was, "Well, I'm sure not everyone would agree with that".

I left the school and on the way home, I sat and pondered why I responded that way. I almost always respond that way...sometimes I may say thank you and that's only because I have had to force myself to learn to say it even if I'm not thankful.

The truth is, I don't really believe the nice things people have to say about me. In junior high and high school I had people in my life who belittled me, who were not kind and said hurtful things to me and I find myself now saying these things to myself because it's what I'm used to. I don't know how to think of myself any other way.

I guess what's why it bothers me so much that Emilie has encountered some hurtful comments as well. I don't want her to end up with my self esteem issues. I know most of us have them but I think most people can see their value and it's hard for me to see that.

It's important to me that my children, especially my girls, grow up feeling confident and sure of themselves. Hopefully in my parenting, I can help them accomplish that!

TGIF

It's is Friday! I am so ready for the weekend...although, I don't think there will be much time to actually rest!!

Kodie is getting ready for her sacrament preparation starting this weekend. She'll have class every Saturday to prepare for First Reconciliation and First Holy Communion...she is so excited :) I need to see if Emilie's dress will fit her or if we'll have to search for a dress that can be her very own.

When Emilie made her First Communion, she was to tall to wear my dress so we bought her a dress of her own. Natalie was able to wear my dress and it's fun to look at photos of me in the dress, Natalie in the dress and the best part is even my cousin Sarah wore it, my mom and her sister (my Aunt Mary and Sarah's mom). I know Kodie was hoping to wear the family dress but she, like Emilie, is too tall for it.

I sort of dread having class on Saturday for Kodie and then class on Sunday for all three of them...our weekends are so busy sometimes already that I am trying to figure out when we'll have time to relax. At least it's for a good reason though and only until the beginning of May!

Regardless, the sun is shining and it's feeling a tad bit warmer out today and it's Friday!!

Parenting...

Where do I even begin...do you ever wonder if you are a good parent or if the choices you are making are the right one? I suppose whether you are a parent or not, you might wonder if you are making the right choices...I know I did before I had kids. I guess that's part of being a human being.

I have had this dilemma of homeschooling for years. Before I had kids, I wanted to homeschool them. Steve and I did not completely agree so we did public school or rather we put them in Catholic school and then we moved to Germany so they went to public school (DODDS). I have always felt a tugging to homeschool though. Last year the girls went to three different schools because of all our moving around with Steve retiring. When we got to Colorado we rented an apartment in one school district and then had a house built in a different school district...which meant a new school yet again. I had made the decision though to give this new school a fair shot before making any decisions about homeschooling. This school is supposed to be one of the best in the district and it's brand new and new concept so there is a lot of promise I believe.

I feel like there has just been one thing after another that has just left me feeling frustrated though. For some people, it may not seem like a problem or big deal but I guess when things just continue to add up, it's hard to not want to just quit.

My girls are wonderful...Natalie and Kodie are very outgoing and make friends easily. Emilie on the other hand is very quiet and can take awhile to feel comfortable in a new setting but once she does she is very outgoing too. Emilie has struggled more than the other two this year. She's had a harder time making friends and has had some hurtful comments said to her.

Last week she came home crying because an older student (sixth grade) told her she stunk at basketball. I know, I know, it shouldn't be that big of a deal but I think any comment that belittles someone or makes them feel inferior is unacceptable. I know that kids are learning and will say things that they may not realize are hurtful. What are we supposed to do as parents though...act like it's no big deal or fight and make sure our kids feel safe a secure?

I talked to Emilie and just tried to reassure her that the student probably didn't mean to hurt her feelings but all that mattered was that she was trying her hardest. I emailed her teacher and was left feeling like because it didn't happen in his classroom it wasn't his problem and that I needed to speak directly to the PE teacher...which is fine but being he is her classroom teacher, I guess I was expecting a little more. I emailed the PE teacher and we've had a few emails back and forth. I am now left feeling like no one really cares and am so unsure of what to do. We will meet in person to discuss this though...sometimes email just seems like you lose so much in the translation.

My first inclination is to pull her from school and just homeschool her. The level headed part of me though knows that won't solve the problem. It's hard though too because at first Emilie was excited at the thought of being home schooled but has now had a change of heart.

That's where my dilemma is...I'm worried I'll make the wrong choice. Ultimately, it's not her choice but I do value her opinion. I know she'll be mad and upset at first but she can't see the bigger picture. I want to protect her but also want her to experience life and learn from it.

So here I am just going back and forth trying to figure out the right thing to do hoping and praying that the choices we make in our family don't totally screw up our kids!

Morning Thoughts

I've been praying a lot lately that God would show me the right path to take for the girls and their schooling. Ethan is in pre-school and because of some of his delays, I think he's in the best place possible right now to meet his needs. I don't feel the same way necessarily for the girls though.

The school they are going to is in it's second year of being open and has so much potential for success! Last night while watching the news though, a commercial came on about a website where you can find out the grade of your school in Colorado. I went on out of curiosity and while I know I should keep a very open mind because there is only one year of data to report on, the school received an F. I do believe some of that is because they do only have one year of data but it was still a shock. It just gives me one more things to consider in the big grand scheme of things.

Another reason I am a bit hesitant though is because we do plan on continuing our foster care license and are hopeful that we will be able to open our home to another placement in the spring sometime. There are benefits to having the girls home while doing foster care...it means being able to take the child if possible to their school they have always been going to if it's in their best interest. It makes it easier to have some one on one time with them during the day which then gives more time after school to a foster child placed with us. One problem I could foresee though is getting to any required meetings that might be held during the day if the girls are home with me. That would be where building a support system would help...and that will come!

I think way too far ahead and really need to take it one step and one issue at a time though. If you wouldn't mind, I'd ask for any prayers that God continues to guide my family as we figure out the best options for us.

To homeschool or not

Some of you may know I have contemplated whether to home school my kids instead of sending them to public school. Lately, I have been feeling pulled towards keeping them home and homeschooling. It is something I really need to research more honestly though.

I worry that I would not be able to stick with it. I worry that I am not smart enough because let's face it, everything is taught differently now than it was when we were in school. I often wonder if it would be easier to do if I had a support system here of other parents who also home schooled. And I think the hardest part could just be getting started.

Everyone seems to home school for different reasons. For me, it's appealing because I don't feel the education system is as great as it could be. There is less funding going towards education these days and as a result staffing is smaller, class sizes are bigger and there are less programs offered.

My girls seem to be the ones who get caught in the middle. They are not the kids who excel and are above grade level but they are not behind enough to not be on grade level. There are some areas they struggle with more than others. There used to be programs to help kids who struggled but because of lack of funding most schools do not have them and if they do, they are only offered for kids who are not on grade level.

I also feel class sizes are way too big now. At the school they are currently going to, there are 28 students per class. I have a lot of respect for teachers because I cannot imagine trying to teach a class that big with less resources every year but I have to wonder are students now getting the best education possible and enough one-on-one help? We have had some wonderful teachers and we've had some teachers unfortunately who were either just not the right fit or really should probably not be teaching.

Anyway, it's something I still ponder about often and eventually I really need to figure all this out.