And Another School Year Comes To An End...

I am not good at goodbyes and as another school year comes to an end, I find myself having to say goodbye to some amazing teachers whom my kids have had the distinct privilege of being taught by. Some I have known since my kids started attending our local neighborhood school and others I have met only this year. Regardless of how long I have known them, each and everyone of them have be instrumental in my children's growth.

My kids found their voices this year and I firmly believe that was because of their teachers. Without their teachers support, I'm not sure that would have happened so early in their lives. My hope is that they will use their voices throughout their school years and life.

Academically my kids have come a long way. For my son, he is now grade level in reading and he began the year a year behind. Without the support of his team, I don't know if that would have happened. I have watched him grow emotionally and become more secure in himself and that has been such an amazing thing to witness!

My oldest will be ending her freshman year soon and I think now she realizes just how quickly each year flies by. Reality is setting in for her. In three short years, her life will take a new path and I am so excited for her...and sad because I am not quite ready for it.

This year has been quite unique. I'm not honestly sure how to put it into words...I can only describe it as eye-opening, disappointing, and a great year all at the same time. I have never been more ready for summer but this year I am. I am hoping that summer will help bring me clarity and motivation to prepare for a new school year in the fall.

My hope ultimately is that I can build new working relationships with the new teachers next year and support them. Teachers have a very difficult job and until this year, I never realized just how hard it was. I am so thankful for teachers!!

The last few days I have written up a new blog post, posted them and even shared one on Facebook only to delete all evidence of having written them. I feel like this is a place for me to write about how I am feeling about everything...the good, the bad and the ugly of my life. Unfortunately not everyone agrees. I guess the ugly things that have happened in my life should be forgiven and forgotten about. People in my life who have hurt me whether intentional or not have been forgiven but I cannot forget what has happened in my life. Maybe some people out there can forget about things done to them but that is something that I struggle with. How can I forget a time in my life that changed me and made me fearful of so many things? 

I feel like this is my place to write what's on my mind and if you don't like it, then don't read it. Honestly, some of these posts are to help me. I have come to realize that there are certain things that I cannot talk about with certain people in my life without being criticized in the process. If I can't talk to people about it, then I'm going to have to write what's on my mind because in order for me to move past certain things, I need to get it out. 

We have done a lot of different trainings for foster care. A recurring theme in these trainings is children in our care can be doing very well for years and all of a sudden something will trigger a memory or something and they can regress and be fearful and act out as a result of the trigger. I have learned that this is an issue for me. I am trying to figure out how to protect myself in the future and still have a relationship with people in my life who have hurt me. I am at fault for many things and wish I could change things for many reasons and I hope anyone I have hurt can forgive me. 

I needed to write this and actually post it. My intent is to never hurt anyone...my goal is to move forward. The last few months have been hard. I feel like I start moving forward and then I remember my dad is gone and I take a few steps back. Losing a parent sucks. It will get easier somehow and in the meantime I am just going to try and keep taking it a day at a time. 

Forrest Eugene...my dad

Today heaven gained another loved person. Six months ago my dad found out he most likely had colon cancer and it had already spread. He was told to follow-up with a doctor but he did not. He was in denial. Two months and six days ago, he was back in the ER and this time my mom was with him. This is when we all found out my dad had cancer and it had spread much more at that point.

I woke this morning at 4:30 and just kept thinking about my parents. I wanted to text my mom but thought it was too early since she's two hours behind me. I figured if she was getting any sleep I didn't want to interrupt it. By 5:30 I went ahead and sent a text. We texted back and forth and she let me know his oxygen levels had dropped lower and his heart rate was higher trying to compensate for the lower O2 levels. He was in a deep sleep and really not responding much to people around him.

I went about my business, doing things on the computer, making breakfast for the kids. I got upset with Natalie this morning for lying to me about cleaning her room and putting her laundry away...it's been hard to not be impatient some days as I try and process everything with my dad. I felt even worse when Natalie told me she wasn't just sad because I yelled but she was just really sad because Grandpa would not be here much longer.

Natalie has been my strong one with all of this. Emilie and Kodie have both cried and talked to me but Natalie has put on a brave face. She sat on my lap and cried and I just held her and hugged her. We talked about how grandpa would be in a better place rejoicing with the angels, Jesus, God and people who have past before him. I told her it's okay to be sad for as long as she needs to be.

About 8:30 I sent another text message to my mom and things were still the same. So I continued with my morning and getting everyone out the door because I needed to get two kids off to school and Kodie to the orthodontist. I dropped the girls off and pulled out of the school parking lot when my phone rang. I answered thinking it was my mom but it was a family friend calling to let me know my dad had passed. It had only been 30 minutes since I had heard from my mom so I was a bit stunned.

I sat in the orthodontist office trying to pass the time while Kodie's teeth were being looked at...texting with a friend and speaking briefly with another while trying to entertain baby A and Ethan in the waiting area. I left there and took Kodie back to school. I got home and spoke to my mom briefly.

It has not really hit me yet. I think it will when I get home to Alaska. But in all honesty, I think these last two months I have already been grieving on some level. I had friends call today and talk to me and I know it helped to not just be sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself.

All day though I just kept thinking about my day. Hoping he is okay and wishing I could feel something to let me know he is okay or see something that would show me he is okay. I'm sure it seems silly but for me, it would be comforting.

I decided to get my hair cut tonight...it's been almost 4 months since my last hair cut and I just needed some time to kinda be pampered and be alone. I got in my car and heard this song playing on the radio

This is one of my favorite songs...I never get tired of hearing it. I then made a quick call to my mom but got her voicemail. While I was on the phone with her voicemail, I had muted my radio. When I un-muted it, I heard this song playing on the radio.

This is another song that I just absolutely love. For some reason when I turned the radio back on, and heard this one playing, I just felt a sense of peace. I don't know if this is supposed to be my sign that my dad is okay but it brought me comfort and peace and for now, it helps a lot. 

I leave tomorrow night to head to Alaska. We celebrated Valentine's day early in our house since I'll miss it with them tomorrow. Steve bought me flowers...I told him it is a two for one deal. It's hard for me to not crack jokes...it breaks the awkward silence. I'll be gone until the morning of the 24th. It's always hard to leave my kids and Steve but I know they'll be okay. This will be the longest I've been away in awhile...thank goodness for phone calls and skype. 

This photo is from New Years Eve when after my trip to Oregon.

This photo was a couple weeks into January after my dad had returned home from Oregon.

This photo is from Saturday. My dad and sister, Mary. 

Rough start to the week....but it will get better!

I was hoping this week would have a better start but I was wrong...the weekend ended leaving me feeling pretty broken up. This week will improve and my hope is that will happen tomorrow. For some reason this morning my kids just couldn't stay on task. At 8:00 when we should be walking out the door to get off to school, Natalie was just then letting the dog out which is when we realized she'd had an accident...so I got busy cleaning that up while Natalie finished making her lunch. We got out of the house and thankfully everyone was on time to school.

The day did get better though. I had a friend stop by to bring Girl Scout cookies and we visited for a few minutes. I talked to my mom for a bit and texted with my sister too. Everyone enjoyed dinner and I am now sitting here on the bathroom floor while Baby A takes a bath. She has graham cracker in her hair and is having a blast!

Tomorrow will be busy getting her to a visit with her parents and then in the afternoon I have a doctors appointment...I dread these appointments. I never go unless I have to and this time I have to. It is time for a physical as we get ready for our re-certification for our foster care license. I am going to have to bring up my dad's colon cancer and all of the recommendations for colonoscopies for me from his surgeons. 7 more years and I guess I will have the pleasure of beginning those screenings :)

I guess the day started out no fun but thankfully is ending on a more positive note!

This week...sucks

The title says it all. This entire week has been hard. Monday started out great but by Tuesday morning with my 4:30 am wake up, the week has just progressively gotten worse.

I had an IEP meeting with the school yesterday and at times felt like I was being told I was misunderstanding what was required. I realized that the person who wrote up the IEP put in the IEP that I requested certain things so it comes across like certain accommodations for Natalie are per my request and not necessarily the team. So the meeting went okay. Everyone has a better understanding now but I am overall not happy and will be much more proactive in the future.

I have been talking to my mom off and on all week about how my dad is doing. I am at a point where I am not sleeping well. I keep having dreams that my dad has died. Wednesday morning Ethan woke up and the first thing he told me was grandpa died...Ethan is four. We are not discussing this around him. In general, the only conversation we've had with the girls is that grandpa is sick but okay for now.

Yesterday we did FaceTime with my parents. Emilie and Ethan went first. The last time we did this, my dad had an NG tube in and was very confused so this time was a little easier but in the end, my dad has changed so much that I know it scares Emilie a little bit. I am hoping that by her getting to see him it will help in the end. Ethan enjoyed seeing Grandpa. For being only four, it is very apparent that he really does remember my parents even though it's been almost two years since we left Alaska for Colorado. Ethan can tell though that grandpa is sick. You can't look at my dad and not see it.

After Emilie and Ethan had their turn, I went into my room to talk to my dad privately. This is a conversation I had been trying to avoid honestly. I am not good at goodbyes. I have had to make a hard decision to wait until his passing to be there. I want to be able to help my mom plan the service and support her with that and Steve doesn't have enough leave that I can just take off for however long I need. So this conversation with my dad was a goodbye.

My dad was not an easy person to live with growing up. I grew up feeling like an annoyance to him. I remember feeling like I could not wait to turn 18 and never see him again. He was very gruff. It wasn't until I was an adult that I found out that my dad had a very rough upbringing and honestly did the best he could. Realizing that as an adult helped me move past the anger I had towards him. I know now he did love me.

My dad is a man of few words so our talk yesterday was really hard. I am glad we were able to say what we needed to say. It is good that there won't be anything left unsaid. I know he loves me and is proud of of me. I hope he knows I am not angry about anything and love him. I am just having a hard time now because now this all really feels real. I am feeling very alone right now. I appreciate my friends who are reaching out but at this point, not much can make me feel like I am not alone.

Natalie and Kodie had their turn to talk to my dad when they got home from dance. They are always excited to see him. They were excited to tell him about their day. I don't think all of this is hitting them like it is with Emilie. They are still just young enough where the concept of death is something they don't fully understand.

I know it is getting closer to my dad passing on. He knows it too and is beginning to accept all of this. I think that is partly why this is hard. He has been in denial the last few months so him realizing what's happening and beginning to accept it makes it more real. Things that happen when someone is closer to the other side are starting to happen and right now, I am taking comfort in knowing that he hears someone calling for him and when he does pass away, he won't be alone.

I have been a tad bit MIA lately...just in a funk and not feeling very social. Yesterday was such a long day. I woke up at 4:30 am after having a dream that my entire family got together for one last family photo of all of us. I'm not sure when the last time we have had a family photo of all of us. It was probably at my sister's wedding which was almost 14 years ago. Steve and I did not get professional photos done at our wedding and ever since then, we have not all lived in Alaska ever since. That makes me quite sad really.

In the last fourteen years, there has been two marriages, eight grandchildren born, a new engagement with twins on the way and two new grandchildren too...so I guess the total is 10 grandchildren with two more on the way in the next couple of months and a new son for my parents which brings the total of children for them to seven. It saddens me to think that the next time we are all together, it will be for my dad's funeral. Any family photos now will forever be missing someone important.

I have just in general been feeling alone. I have friends that are praying for my family...some have told me and I know some are doing it silently and I appreciate it because honestly, I know that is what is helping me have more good days than bad right now. I am feeling unimportant to certain people in my life. This is not what I envisioned my life like as a grown up would be with my siblings. I know everyone gets busy but every once in awhile it would just be nice if for once they would check in with me and see how I was doing. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this but this week, I honestly don't care. I never mean to offend anyone but I am learning that I need to write it all down or say it because the other alternative with holding it all in is just not healthy to do anymore.

This post is a downer what can I say. It is just one of those weeks I guess.

My 100th post

Who knew I had this much to say to be at my 100th post huh?? Honestly, if I wasn't posting daily (or trying to) about a different orphan a day, I would not be here just quite yet...but I am :)

I am sitting on my couch playing catch up on Facebook, emails, and blogging instead of laying down sleeping because as the day goes on, I just am feeling worse and worse. I woke up feeling great and am now congested with a horrendous headache. I had every intention to clean my curtains today...it may have to wait until next weekend.

We have been busy in our house cleaning, organizing and building a donate pile. For people who know me, this will sound normal maybe but I get such a high cleaning house and de-cluttering :) not sure why but it makes me feel good!! I found a ton of things in my kids dresser drawers so that's what triggered this feeling that I needed to clean this weekend. Now we just need to get it all hauled off to our church and the bigger stuff to the thrift store.

We've been in our home for almost a year and a half. I have painted just about every room except for mine. We are slowly trying to prepare to start finishing the basement so the kids can play down there safely and so we'll have an extra room for people who visit. Finding time to do all of this proves to be rather challenging but it'll get done slowly but surely.

My dad is still hanging in there having good days and bad days. I am just so thankful for everyone out there who has been praying for him and my family. I have been trying to figure out how to prepare for his loss but I know I can't. His passing will not be sudden so in a way I think that is helping me prepare a little bit.

I am not only trying to prepare for his passing though...I am trying to prepare for baby A going home. I don't know if it will happen but if it does, it's going to be hard. The bright side is, I will handle it and be okay and so will my kids. When she was placed with us almost 9 months ago, I thought we'd have her a month or maybe a couple of months...I never imagined we'd have her this long. She is just so sweet. She hates car rides though...I have never had a baby who hated car rides. She is crawling, cruising along furniture and just developing/growing so wonderfully.

I guess these are my random thought for this beautiful Sunday afternoon, for my 100th post to my blog. Not too exciting but that's okay I think!

Just some random photos from yesterday...fun at the museum yesterday!

Family reading time last night...it started out as a punishment if you will but in the end, everyone enjoyed it and I do believe this will become a weekly thing for us!

Remembering some good times

I have been looking through photos to email to my mom of my dad and my kids. She is hoping to do a video with lots of photos. I haven't found many but the ones I have, I will treasure for sure. I was also going through all of my music trying to see if I had any music that she likes that could be added to the video. I have to wonder, is it strange that at the age of 32, I already know what music I want played at my funeral?? I don't know many people that think about that stuff...I mean, I don't know what I want but I do know what music I want.

After I had Emilie, I had a couple years of dealing with abnormal pap smears and there was always a fear in the back of my head that it could turn cancerous and that lead me to think about certain things like funerals. Obviously everything turned out fine and I am grateful for that. I don't necessarily like talking about death but I am finding I am doing it a lot more lately because of my dad and what he is going through right now.

I am hearing a lot more stories about people dying from colon cancer. It makes me so sad because it is totally preventable if you get the recommended screenings done. I wish my dad had...I have felt angry that he didn't but that anger won't change a thing. I have learned to let it go. It won't help him. It won't help me. It won't help anyone at this point. I am going to use it as a teachable moment for me though.

I am realizing that as the days pass by, it is just getting that much closer to my dad's passing. I don't know how anyone prepares for things like this. Can you really prepare for the passing of a loved one?

Emilie and my dad on our first trip to Alaska while living in Japan

The girls with my dad shortly after Kodie was born...and yes, Kodie is screaming :)

All the cousins (at least all of them from back in 2007) with grandma and grandpa

My dad, mom, Emilie and Eric in Prague, Czech Republic

Dad resting in our hotel in Prague

Steve, dad and Eric in Rothenburg, Germany

Group shot

Enjoying lunch at a German restaurant with GREAT potato soup!!

What a week

This week has just been one that has been rough. It hasn't been the worst week but I have just felt like I'd rather have stayed in bed and hide rather than have to deal with anything.

The week started out with anticipation of my dad having a port put in this week and starting chemo on the 21st of this month. I knew chemo was not a good idea for my dad because he is just not healthy enough to take on something poisonous like chemo. Yesterday morning I had a message from my mom letting my siblings and I know that my dad would not be getting a port put in and would not be doing chemo. They had talked and the decision had been made...hospice was going to be contacted so that next step could be taken. Anyone who knows my dad knows that he was not going to do hospice. Hospice was mentioned last month before he went to Oregon and was completely against it. I know hospice is not a bad thing but for him, he just didn't want it. So the fact that he agreed that this was what should happen just hit me in a way that I did not expect.

Even though I knew he really couldn't do chemo, the fact was it was an option still being given to him and now it's not and it just makes this more real. My dad is dying. My dad is terminal and will not be around much longer. I have known this was coming but all of the uncertainty of how he was doing and what options were there gave me a feeling like we had a little more time than it appears.

I sit here in Colorado far away from Alaska feeling pulled. I want to be in Alaska to help out but honestly, I can't. I have kids here that need me and I feel guilty about that. Steve just cannot take off much time from work so I need to make sure I am mindful of all of this.

Something else this week that has just left me feeling defeated is about our foster care placement. We have had her almost 9 months. I don't know where the case is headed honestly. I don't know if she will be reunified or if she will stay with us. I want to set up her room and move her out of our room but not knowing if she'll be with us much longer, I don't know if I can set up a room for her. The pain I am going to feel if there is a room for her and she is not in it is going to be hard. This is when I wish I had a remote control so I could fast forward a few months and know the outcome...knowing the outcome would make this easier with all of the waiting.

I truly hope she can go home because I know that is always the hope for a family...I never thought I would get so attached though to a child who is not mine. Sometimes I feel like we are just adding more trauma to their little lives. We are the only home she has ever known because she came straight from the hospital to us. Her case will be like her leaving and being placed in a foster home but it will really be her home she was always meant to be in.

I just question whether we are the "right" people to do foster care. I know we can take care and love children who stay with us but dealing with the red tape and everything else that is foster care is what I wonder about. I know I need to only worry about today and I try very hard...some days are easier than others though and this week it has just been hard.

I am thankful that it is now Friday and the weekend is upon us. My kids are off until Thursday because of the end of the second quarter and teacher work days. The weather has gotten great here again and the snow is melting. We are busy taking the Christmas lights off of the house now that it isn't so cold anymore and pulling out the Valentine's day decorations.

I am thankful for each new day. I am thankful for each new week. I am thankful for my supportive family and friends. I did not imagine 2013 starting out this way but I know it will be okay in the end.

The roller coaster of life...come along for the ride!

I have three girls all close in age. I have had many comments over the years and jokes about what life will be like when they hit the hormonal teen years...guess what? We are there!! I keep thinking they may not survive :) but really, I wonder if I will survive. I know many have parented before me and many will parent after me so ultimately I do know that this too will pass.

Emilie is a quiet child. Natalie is not. Kodie, well, she is a mix of both but is pretty easy still. The last couple of weeks have been challenging for so many different reasons. Everyone went back to school last week and Monday morning was a morning that I wanted to forget. We've been trying to reinforce the rules of the house and it was met with some resistance. 

Emilie shuts down, refuses to talk and is mad at me about everything anymore. Natalie gets upset, yells, runs upstairs while saying things that are hurtful. Two complete opposites and keep life interesting here. I feel like I am on a roller coaster with both of them most days...so, if you have been reading my posts, you will now know that I am on a roller coaster. I am on a roller coaster with foster care, trying to process my dad's cancer, having five kids, trying to potty train Ethan and girls with hormones! Fun times right?? 

I have decided, that although Natalie says hurtful things, I think at this point I'd much rather hear what she has to say then be met with the alternative of a child who refuses to speak to me and acknowledge my existence. I may regret admitting that but for now it's easier to work with someone who will at least talk to me. 

Today has just been a downer here...I am exhausted, feeling sad about things that I can't really discuss and ready to throw in the towel. But I just keep reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day and I thank God for that!!

An update on my dad

My dad and mom arrived home to Alaska late last night. He was discharged today from the hospital and will see an oncologist Friday. A lot happened to make it happen and I firmly believe all the prayers helped!!

On Monday, I contacted Senator Murkowski's office. I left a message and figured I would probably never hear back from them. A few hours later, someone from her office was calling me. They had heard about my dad because of a post my mom made on Facebook to the local paper in Mat-Su and the paper had contacted the Senator's office too. I don't know if this is partly how the denial with insurance finally got approved so he could get an appropriate flight home but I think every little bit helped.

I know being home is what they wanted and needed. There is something about being in the comfort of your own home and surroundings with people who love you that can help your spirit so much.

Right now I find myself not knowing what to think though about his condition. It is difficult to prepare for his passing when he has good days and bad days. It's hard to not feel hopeful when he has good days. I know in my head that his cancer has spread...it has metastasized but a part of me wants to be hopeful that somehow maybe he'll be able to make a recovery from this. I have heard a lot of stories where the patient did not make it more than 6-7 months after diagnosis with cancer that is metastasized.

But I know what I have to do. I have to place my trust in God and just keep praying that He knows what He is doing.

Random Thoughts

Tomorrow the kids go back to school after being out for winter break. They are looking forward to it. Emilie has a band concert coming up and we still need to go get her some black pants. Emilie really enjoys band and is doing really well learning how to play the flute. I am looking forward to having some normal back in our life with school and after school activities back up and running.

I wanted to add to my thoughts about my post from yesterday. I'm sure it may have came off as negative or not grateful for what insurance has done for my dad. That is certainly not it at all. We are so thankful and grateful that he was given a little bit more time. It's hard feeling like there is nothing you can do. Yes, we can pray and I am doing a lot of that...but I am also the type of person who tries to push for what is right. It's hard for me to let things go and I am working on that. Ultimately though, I am not near my family and me asking if people know of any options out there is partly my way of feeling like I am helping. I don't feel it is okay though to send someone out of state like that though with no way to get back safely. My parents have a five year old at home being cared for by a family friend and I know the distance is hard for my parents. This is not easy for everyone and it's hard feeling helpless.

I said these would be random thoughts today...but I sit here now and my mind is blank. I guess that is all I have to say this morning.

Insurance: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

I am not a fan of insurance. I am thankful to have it. I am thankful that it helps my family and me be able to get medical care. That would be the good when it comes to insurance. What I don't like, what I see as the bad are the rules that can be hard to understand. The cost to have insurance...even though I know the cost of not having it is actually much worse. Insurance doesn't cover everything though. Depending on what insurance you have, you may get great coverage or you may not.

Then there is the ugly side of insurance. The side that you don't often hear about unless you are dealing with something bad. My dad was flown on a medical flight from Alaska to Oregon because the hospital in Alaska could not meet his needs...so insurance covered it because it was a medical necessity. Great right? You'd think this is the good...and it is but what they are now dealing with is the ugly part of insurance.

My dad is in no shape to fly commercial but insurance will not pay for another medical flight because their feeling is they got him somewhere better and they don't pay to get someone home. The problem is my dad is terminal. My dad has stage 4 colon cancer. It has spread everywhere. He is now dealing with clots that are being controlled with blood thinners. He has fluid building up in his lungs. He is losing weight because he is not eating and drinking very, very little. His heart is struggling because of the stress his body is under. My dad is dying. My dad would like to get home to Alaska and be as comfortable as possible at this point. My dad should not have to die in Oregon because of a rule with insurance.

My mom has made calls trying to find a way to get him home if insurance still denies this next week. The hospital he is at right now is going to try to go further up the ladder on Monday. Lots of people are praying. Lots of people are googling and trying to figure something out. Steve made a couple of calls today and had no luck. We found one company that can get him home but it will cost more than $20,000 and that is not an option for my parents at this point. I know God will provide somehow...not sure how but I am trying to not worry about that.

This morning I was feeling very angry about this. I don't like feeling angry and thankfully it passed. It is just so sad and frustrating that this is happening. My dad is a Vietnam Veteran and I feel like he deserves more than this after serving his country.

Please, I ask you to share this post if you feel called. Maybe someone reading this will know how to help my parents. Thank you all for your continued prayer!!

Saying Goodbye

I recently took a trip to Portland to see my dad....and mom and aunt too. My dad was flown to Portland from Alaska because of his health needs at this time. His surgeon in Alaska told him there was nothing they could do and suggested they get hospice involved. My dad was not okay with that answer and sending him to Portland was an option and he took it. He flew with my mom on a medical flight. They were gone within hours not sure what to expect.

Surgery had been scheduled for Tuesday (they arrived in the middle of the night after leaving Monday night). When the doctors there realized how malnourished he was and the poor shape he truly was in, they decided to wait to do surgery for a couple of days and to do TPN to help try and improve his strength some. He had surgery on Thursday (two weeks ago today) and in one way it was successful and in another way it was not. He is one of those patients you hear about where they open the patient up, realize how bad it is and close them up. The only successful thing to come from the surgery was they were able to resect the colon and put in an iliostomy bag. They wanted to do more but his cancer is so bad they couldn't. The surgery though gave him more than a few days.

What they found during surgery was that he has tumors everywhere. The tumor in his colon is so big and spread everywhere and is attached/pushing up against his spine. Because his liver is involved too, he has fluid buildup that will not stop. They can drain it but they will only do it after it is causing him a lot of discomfort.

Honestly, for how bleak things look, he's doing fairly well. He tires easily, he has little to no appetite and I know he must be scared. I have a younger brother who is 5 years old and my dad will not be there for him as he grows up. I have siblings who have not married and had children and he won't be here for that. I know I speak as if he won't survive this. I do believe in miracles but I am also realistic and if for some reason he does survive this, it will be a wonderful miracle. I believe he got a miracle in Oregon with a surgeon being willing to operate and fix the bowel obstruction. If that is the only miracle to come out of this, that's okay because it gave him more time.

The trip to Portland was hard. It was hard knowing that when I left, it would most likely be my last time seeing him here on earth. It was hard spending time with him knowing he needs to eat because he can't get stronger if he doesn't but yet he can't bring himself to really eat. It was hard to see the man I know as my dad look so frail. He has aged so much because of all of this. He has always been grumpy and this makes him more grumpy...understandably so.

I feel at peace though whatever happens. i am thankful for the four days I had with him, my mom and aunt. It was good to be able to have that time.

I am finding that life is a roller coaster. I always compare doing foster care to a roller coaster and the last few days after the news of my dad, I have felt like my family has been on a roller coaster...and I am on it along for the ride. Sad thing is, I hate roller coasters. I am terrified...I am afraid I will fall out, something will malfunction and go wrong and when I have gone on them with my kids, my arm automatically reaches out to protect them while I yell, "Oh God, please God, keep us safe". I find myself doing that a lot with different things. I cling to my faith. I cling to God knowing that He will provide.

My dad is currently in Oregon with my mom. They left Alaska Monday night and arrived in Oregon late with news that dad would have surgery Tuesday afternoon. I caught up with all of this news when I woke up in the am and got ready for my day. I again checked in on Facebook while I got baby A up and changed her diaper. Then talked with Kodie while making eggs, while she played with baby A. The latest then was that they were going to put in a PIC line and do TPN...so give him nourishment intravenously. He is very weak because he really has not eaten a good, wholesome meal in over a week...possibly longer. They were doing this to try and help strengthen him for surgery. So now there is more waiting. The hope is to do surgery in the next couple of days and hopefully he will be stronger.

We hope. We pray. My mom sent me a photo of her and my dad from Monday night. I'd seen a photo of him from a week earlier. I then saw a photo of him from about a month ago that my brother posted of him and my niece, Savannah. The three photos are of three very different people and yet the same person because he is my dad in each and everyone...just a weaker, sicker, more fragile dad. It is hard to wrap my head around all of this...especially so far away but seeing the photos made it a little bit easier. And again, we pray and pray some more.

I know that God is in control. I trust that whatever God's plan is, He will provide and be there for all of us regardless of the outcome. I know this to be true. I have felt frustrated the last couple of days. This morning I felt like the whole medical system was a joke. I felt like it gave me no reason to ever go see a doctor. They are after all, "practicing medicine". I mean no disrespect to those in the medical field. I think as a family member though, when you have a loved one going through something very difficult, you hope that the people in charge of the medical decisions will know exactly what to do and that it won't feel like a guessing game.

But again, I pray. You all are praying and I can feel it. I know my mom can feel it too. And again, I have to say, I am so thankful for all of you who are praying, thinking about us and sending encouraging posts and messages!!

Confusion...I think that's what is setting in now. I made the decision not to go to Alaska because we don't have all of the answers with what is going on with my dad. Thursday he saw the oncologist and my parents left without answers. The fluid that was collected from his stomach does not show cancer. The surgeon did say though that he does not need all of these tests to say it is cancer. He would not have all of this going on if it wasn't. Personally, it just makes it easier to keep holding out hope that a miracle can happen and it's not as bad as they think.

This was a week full of ups and downs and at times I just want to walk away from all of it. I am ready to check out and not deal with any of it. I don't know how my mom is getting through it that's for sure. She has so much strength. I know she says prayers are helping her but I think it's so much more than that.

Anyway, so my dad has now been readmitted again and will be having surgery today to fix a bowel obstruction. Hopefully after this surgery they will finally have a clearer picture maybe? I wish someone could tell me what we are really looking at. Are we looking at days? Are we looking at weeks? Are we looking at months? I know ultimately only God knows when our time will be up in this world. I know it is truly an educated guess for the doctors.

Like I said, I am just confused. I woke up feeling like it was not going to be a good day and I am truly praying my feeling is wrong. I am hoping that it's just because of my dad being readmitted. So I again ask for prayers. I know that's what I will be doing.

I am always thankful for each new morning because it brings the opportunity for a new day. I guess yesterday was my day to have a pity party. My feeling defeated was not just about what's going on with my family and unfortunately I can't really discuss it. But I hit a low and had a lot to process and needed to be able to do that so I can move on from here. I take things personally and even if in my head I know I shouldn't, it is still very hard not to.

So today is a new day. My dad sees the oncologist today. I feel like it will take forever to hear anything especially because of the two hour time difference...which honestly is not that big of a difference but today it feels huge. Today this all may finally feel real. It will be good to actually know what is truly going on and not just be going off of assumptions. But thankfully my day will be busy...morning appointment for baby "A", visit with her CASA worker this afternoon, Natalie and Kodie have dance club and Emilie has her last science fair of the day. At least it won't be a borning day :)

At first when this all came out, the feeling was it didn't look good...and even if it has spread, my dad is still his grumpy self who argues with my mom when she is on the phone with us. To me, that tells me he still has his spirit and it brings me peace. I have felt this whole time it really would be okay. I don't really know what that means but I have felt it these last few days.

I had to make the decision to either go now or go if needed at the end. Getting to Alaska is not cheap so my decision is to go at the end...if it comes to that. I know not everyone will understand that. Christmas is less than two weeks away and I have children here who need me. Of course if it was an emergency maybe I'd feel differently but there is no reason for me to board a plane today and miss Christmas with my kids and husband. I think it's easy to think that all of my siblings should be there right now when you are already there but I can't put my life on hold especially when we have no answers right now.

I guess this is me venting a little, trying to clear my head, process everything and move on. As I am getting older it's getting easier but I'm still learning how to do this. Thank you again for all of your prayers. It means so much to me knowing that my friends care and are keeping my dad in their thoughts and prayers.

I've been contemplating how to start this post for a few days now. Everything just seems to surreal to me. I know it's happening but being in Colorado away from my family and having no confirmation 100% gives me the feeling that I can just pretend none of this is real. I talk to some of my siblings and my mom and apparently I am the only one who is sleeping through the night. I am not breaking down really either. I have my moments but they are far and few between. So, does this mean there is something wrong with me?

Friday started out like any other day. Up early getting three kids off to school and getting ready to take our foster baby to see her parents. It was a busy day because it was a half day because of parent teacher conferences and we were getting family photos done in the afternoon. I went about my day like normal. After we were done getting photos done, we were driving home and my phone rang. It was my mom. The tone in her voice was different and I instantly knew something was wrong...I just had no idea what was to come.

My mom proceeded to tell me that she was at the hospital with my dad. That my dad has colon cancer (or that is what was the assumption from everyone). That my dad had found out in August and did not say anything and did not follow up with any doctors. My mom told me he had had a ct scan and it showed spots on his liver and lymph nodes and he had fluid build up in his stomach. I cried but quickly realized that my kids were in the car with me and needed to pull it together. I proceeded to call all my siblings trying to fill them in the rest of the way home.

Emilie has been taking this hard. Kodie has as well. Kodie wrote a note that I found talking about how her grandpa has cancer and may die. She is feeling sad because my dad is her only living grandpa. My parents are their only living grandparents. Natalie has been acting out with her behavior a little bit more than normal. My goal is to try and keep life at home as normal as possible.

Over the weekend and today I have had updates on my dad from my mom. They are waiting for the lab results to come back from the fluid that was drained from his stomach on Friday. They sent that to Seattle so it causes a little delay with getting answers. For now, they are just trying to help him feel better while they wait for answers. He'll see an oncologist and see what options are out there. The assumption right now is that it is metastasized though.

I do believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles and I know it is all in God's hands. I pray most of all that my dad's heart is softened and begins to open. My hope is that he becomes closer to God. I don't know where I will end up when my life here on earth is over and I hope it is heaven and I hope that my dad will be in heaven waiting for me and everyone else he loves.

This is all hard but I am placing my trust and faith in God. It is all I really can do besides pray at this point. I just want to say thank you to everyone who is keeping him in prayer. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I think one lesson that can be learned from all of this is just how important it is to take our health seriously. Please do not ignore recommended tests. So many of them can help prevent so many things.

Life has been busy here this last month or so. Steve was gone for most of November because of Hurricane Sandy. So it was me, five kids and five animals day in and day out trying to make the best of our circumstances. When Steve took this job with FEMA, I never would have thought he could and would be gone more now than when he was active duty. This time around, even though it was only three weeks, was hard on my kids...the girls especially. Emilie at one point asked if he could just quit his job so he wouldn't have to be gone...if only it was that easy. Steve truly loves his job except for the being away from his family part. I felt really bad though that she would want him to quit because she missed him.

I am thankful though for a friend who has helped pick up the girls after school and bring them home. It has been a tremendous help to me!! I am thankful for our licensing worker because when I doubt myself being able to handle being a foster parent, she reassures me that we are doing great. I am thankful for our foster baby's CASA worker because she can read between the lines when talking to me. I am not always the most eloquent person and can ramble a ton and she has a way of understanding me which is so helpful for me :)

We have been busy with birthdays...three of them to be exact since the beginning of November, Thanksgiving and now preparing for Christmas and the New Year. I love this time of year. I love the smells, the sounds, the love that I witness everywhere.

We are almost at the 1 year anniversary of Ethan becoming our son. December 14th is quickly approaching. I am so thankful to have him in our lives. Boys are different that's for sure but he adds something to our family that I didn't know we were missing. Life can be challenging with him because of his sensory needs. It took us about a year to get him comfortable in the bathtub...he enjoys baths now! He requires consistency (I think all kids do but some truly thrive and need it so much more). We took Natalie to a Hibachi grill for her birthday lunch and this was the first time that Ethan did not scream, cry and cover his ears in fear of the sounds and sights of fire. Like I said, life is challenging with him but we are figuring it out!

Last week I was sick along with Emilie and our foster baby. Steve stayed home a couple of days and helped out but I realize that while he tries to help, there was still a lot that was forgotten about :) I am now this week starting to feel normal again. We have our house set up for Christmas. I am ready to do my cookie baking. Almost all of the gifts are wrapped and I am ready to start our Christmas cards. Yes, I really am feeling better and more on top of things now!!

I spoke with Emilie's literacy teacher last week. She was calling to let me know she was so happy that Emilie was back at school after having been sick. She told me that Emilie is truly a joy and hard worker who she doesn't have to remind to do things. It was a nice phone call. I am so thankful for Emilie...I am so thankful for all of my kids though too! This week Emilie and I went through photos from when we went to concentration camps while in living in Germany. One of her classes is going to be discussing the Holocaust over the next six weeks. So we printed off photos from Bergen-Belsen and Auschwitz. I am so thankful that we were able to see so many things first hand while living in Germany. It is one thing to learn about this history in a text book and it is a whole other thing to see it first hand.

This is just a general update...hopefully with the new year I'll be able to blog a little more.

It has been a long time since I have posted. We had a very busy summer with visitors and other fun stuff. School started back up the beginning of August and my house is quiet again and I am trying to enjoy it. Another reason I haven't posted is because I have been trying to take a step back from certain things...I have felt a bit negative with my attitude and have felt that at times, I couldn't find many positive things to write or post on Facebook. I was also struggling with feeling not too important in some peoples lives. Facebook is great with being able to stay connected but I was starting to feel like I was in high school again and not very popular. Popularity is not something I strive for but at the same time, it's never fun feeling like not many people are interested in your life. So, I post less in general and try to keep it positive. I don't always succeed but I am trying.

Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.

At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.

I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?

My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.

I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.