I am always thankful for each new morning because it brings the opportunity for a new day. I guess yesterday was my day to have a pity party. My feeling defeated was not just about what's going on with my family and unfortunately I can't really discuss it. But I hit a low and had a lot to process and needed to be able to do that so I can move on from here. I take things personally and even if in my head I know I shouldn't, it is still very hard not to.

So today is a new day. My dad sees the oncologist today. I feel like it will take forever to hear anything especially because of the two hour time difference...which honestly is not that big of a difference but today it feels huge. Today this all may finally feel real. It will be good to actually know what is truly going on and not just be going off of assumptions. But thankfully my day will be busy...morning appointment for baby "A", visit with her CASA worker this afternoon, Natalie and Kodie have dance club and Emilie has her last science fair of the day. At least it won't be a borning day :)

At first when this all came out, the feeling was it didn't look good...and even if it has spread, my dad is still his grumpy self who argues with my mom when she is on the phone with us. To me, that tells me he still has his spirit and it brings me peace. I have felt this whole time it really would be okay. I don't really know what that means but I have felt it these last few days.

I had to make the decision to either go now or go if needed at the end. Getting to Alaska is not cheap so my decision is to go at the end...if it comes to that. I know not everyone will understand that. Christmas is less than two weeks away and I have children here who need me. Of course if it was an emergency maybe I'd feel differently but there is no reason for me to board a plane today and miss Christmas with my kids and husband. I think it's easy to think that all of my siblings should be there right now when you are already there but I can't put my life on hold especially when we have no answers right now.

I guess this is me venting a little, trying to clear my head, process everything and move on. As I am getting older it's getting easier but I'm still learning how to do this. Thank you again for all of your prayers. It means so much to me knowing that my friends care and are keeping my dad in their thoughts and prayers.