Feeling very confused lately...doubting relationships with other people. I know I can get caught up in my life but I try and be there for others and some days are easier then others. At some point though I start to wonder what's the point of one sided relationships? Hopefully the strain I am feeling with certain people in my life will pass...I would truly hate to lose anyone important to me. I am thankful for those that are in my life that are understanding and there for me during hard times.

The one thing I dread about doing foster care is having a placement and becoming really attached and then having to say goodbye. The whole point is to open our doors and provide a safe home to a child in need and although I know this and firmly believe in reunification, it doesn't make it any easier.

We have had our placement now for seven weeks and she just turned 2 months old. She is just the sweetest little baby and I have to admit, I am growing very fond of her. She is smiling, cooing and squealing and it is just so much fun! I don't know how long we will have her and I know she belongs with her parents but I know it will be hard to not have her here. 

I hear from a lot of people that we run into that they'd never be able to do foster care...especially with a baby because they'd never be able to give the baby back. I always try and keep the mentality though that she is ours for now until it's safe to go home and we'll love her while we have her like she is one of our own. I get my baby fix with her but ultimately, we are not doing this for us, we are doing this for the many, many children in need of a safe home. 

In the meantime, I am just trying to enjoy this time with her and I will worry about her leaving when the time comes. All I can hope is that we are able to give her everything she needs and deserves while we have her!

Have you ever wished you could redo a day? Yesterday was one of those days for me...lack of sleep, being stressed out and loneliness finally took its toll.

The last few nights I haven't slept well. Having a newborn in the house, I go to be between 8 and 9 so I can try and get 4-5 hours of sleep before the middle of the night feeding. Steve feeds her at 10 and I am really thankful for that! But I haven't slept well and am up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night and finding time to nap during the day just doesn't happen.

Stress...who doesn't have that right? I have been frustrated with so many things. The kids school, the foster care system and caseworkers who do not reply to emails or return phone calls and feeling like I have no idea what is going on with a child placed with us and then just life in general. I try and not stress about things but sometimes that is easier said then done.

Finally loneliness. We have been here over a year now and I have met people but no friendships have really developed. Most people I know work and when they get home all they want to do is spend time with their own family...which is completely understandable! It's hard being home all day with no one here to talk to. I love being home with my children, don't get me wrong but sometimes I miss working outside of the home and actually having interactions with other adults and feeling like I am getting a little break.

I am not very good at making friends. I feel like I try but maybe I don't try hard enough? I am so insecure and when I do try and it goes no where I begin to feel like it's not even worth trying. I have wonderful friends don't get me wrong...they just don't all live in Colorado with me :)

I always though getting older would be easier in some aspects...at least the whole making friends part. Little did I know that life in general doesn't get easier it just always presents new challenges. I am thankful though for new beginnings and the start of a new day!

Friendship

I value my friendships that I have in my life...and one thing I am realizing with foster care is that life becomes pretty unpredictable and friendships can be easily forgotten about.

With each new placement things are really up in the air for the first couple of weeks while decisions are made about visits with family and child, doctor appointments are made and visits are made with caseworkers and other people involved with decision making for the placed child.

In the last couple of weeks I have felt a bit flakey and I like to think I am not the least bit flakey. I hope that if at times I do seem not on my game, there will be understanding. The last thing I want to do is lose a friend along the way.

Yesterday I took our foster baby in for a visit with her dad. I was so nervous before the visit. Normally before a visit, there is supposed to be an Ice Breaker. An Ice Breaker is supposed to offer an opportunity to meet the birth parents and for them to meet the foster parents. Questions can be asked and ideally I think it's supposed to help set the tone for how families work together. Our Ice Breaker took place right before the visit. I have a hard time starting conversation with people I don't know; especially when I am nervous. I am having to force myself to put myself out there...and I did and it went really well.

Foster care can bring up lots of different emotions. Last weekend I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to keep this little baby for our family. We aren't doing foster care with the absolute intent to adopt again but there is always the possibility it could be presented to us again in the future. When you are up in the middle of the night with a baby, taking them to multiple appointments and bonding with them, how do you keep from wanting to keep them? I think this is something I will struggle with with each placement we have.

The whole point of foster care though is to reunify families if it is safe for them. If you want to adopt, foster care isn't the way to do it unless you are looking for an older child who is waiting for their forever family.

The visit though with this baby's dad helped put everything back in perspective. It's easy to want to keep a child when you have not met the family. All week leading up to the visit, I had been trying to process my feelings and meeting him gave me some peace of mind. We are just going to love on her until she goes home and I know it will still be hard to say goodbye, I know in my heart it is the right thing for her when the time comes.

I spoke with another foster mom on the phone this week. We are going to do respite this summer for their little one. We talked about how we hear all the time how other people could never temporarily keep someone else's child. I haven't had many opportunities to come up with a good response when we hear that but she told me her response is always that they are not doing foster care for themselves; they are doing foster care to help the child...it's not about them, it's about the child. Does this mean she doesn't bond with the child or have a hard time saying goodbye? No, all those things happen but it just helps keep everything in perspective.

Foster care really is about helping a child in need until they can be reunited with their family or who ever their forever family might be.

One leaves and one arrives

Yesterday was a busy day in our household. We prepared for our placement to go home and took photos of all the kids together. I am going to put a photo album together for them so they can keep memories of any child placed with us in it. They grow attached to these little ones and I know it's hard for them to say goodbye so hopefully this will help a little bit.

Around lunchtime, I received an email from our licensing worker wondering if it was okay to call about another placement. She wasn't sure if we would be ready for another or need a little break to process everything. In the end we told her to always call because if we aren't ready, we'll let her know. She gave me the details on this possible placement and we said yes. So the waiting began for the phone call from the intake worker so I could get more info about her and where to pick her up...it turns out she is a real little one.

I received the call and the coordinating began. We agreed to pick her up at 7:00 because Natalie had a hearing test at the school district and then we were taking our current placement in so he could go home and also bringing our respite baby in for a visit with the parents. We arrived to pick her up after all of that was taken care of and found out we were very early. There had been some miscommunication and the hospital wasn't expecting us until 8:00 pm. So Steve took all the kids home and I stayed and watched all required videos before I could take her home. The girls wanted to stay because they were so excited to see her and I imagine while I write this, they will be up very early so they can meet her this morning.

It's been quite awhile since we've had a newborn and I forget how little they. I don't know how long we'll have her but we'll enjoy her as long as we can. I think it's safe to assume that our door may feel like a revolving door some days though.

Another placement

Friday we received a call for another foster care placement. We said yes even though we were doing respite for another foster family for one week. That little one was just so easy and because it was temporary, we went ahead and made the commitment for the new placement.

A foster care placement can last as few as a phone call, a few hours, a few days or much, much longer. I received a call last night letting me know that our new placement actually lived in another county so our county has no jurisdiction and he would have to be pulled from our home. It's great news for him because he's being placed with a family member but I feel so sad for us. 

This afternoon after the girls get out of school, we have to bring him with all of his belongings and give him back. This is the hard part of foster care...it's a roller coaster of emotions! The girls took pictures with him this morning before school and I know this afternoon will be hard for them too. They grew attached to him and so did I. He is so sweet and really so easy and just fit in so well with our family. 

I am trying to remember that this is good for him though and I have to say, we will really miss him even though we've only had him for a few days. My house will be so quiet again come tomorrow.