Today was a good day. Steve left this morning for Ohio and then Pennsylvania because of Hurricane Sandy. We knew it was coming. Some of his coworkers left Saturday and more are leaving tomorrow. It doesn't make it any easier for my kids though. How do you explain to them why he is gone so much? It could be worse...he could still be active duty but for them, that doesn't matter if he's gone for a week, a couple weeks or for months at a time.

He will miss Halloween, Kodie and Ethan's birthdays and a very important trip to the car dealer to get my car taken care of :) For my kids, him missing Halloween and their birthdays is a big deal. For me, him being gone and me having to take five kids to the dealer to sit around while my car is worked on is a big deal. Like I said though, it could be worse.

Anyway, like I said, today was a good day. The last few days I had felt like a referee with arguments and what not but everyone tried hard today to get along. We took our foster baby in for a visit with her parents too. That went so much better than the last time. I got my ballot to the post office and have officially voted as well.

Today was a productive day and the day is coming to an end. Here's hoping tomorrow morning goes well and my car doesn't take too long. My kids are excited to go trick-or-treating and it will be an interesting time with no help and five kids!

We are trying to teach our kids to be friends to everyone but at the same time teaching them that if someone is a bully to keep their distance. I don't want them to get into trouble because they were with the wrong person at the wrong place/time. It's a hard thing to teach in a way. Kids are learning so much.

I felt proud recently though when Natalie and I were talking about school. There is a child in her class that has a reputation of being a bully. Anyway, she told me she plays with him because no one else will. I feel proud of her for reaching out to another child and trying to be a friend when no one else will.

In all the moments where I feel like I am failing and not being the best mom I can be, it is moments like that where I realize that I am doing some things right!

I have to say thank you to those of you that reached out to me today. I know deep down I am not alone but there are days where I feel like I am. I am grateful for those that are supporting me with encouraging words and prayers.

Today was hard...next week will be easier when we take our foster baby for her visit again. Each visit will get easier. I am having to process a lot right now and try and change my thinking a bit. I love the idea of foster parenting and being there within reason to the birth family.

Today consisted of different emotions, starting the day being called a mean mom, lots of tears, encouraging words from some wonderful people and then being told by a different child that they wished I was not their mom. Thank goodness that each day comes to an end with an opportunity to start the next day anew :)

Yesterday, I sat and would start to write and then proceed to delete what I had written. I did this many times...I am struggling with a lot of things right now. I am feeling like an utter and complete failure. I know it will get better and I imagine some of this will be easier later today.

Yesterday, I got on facebook and deactivated my account...and then realized last night I needed some of my messages that had phone numbers so I reactivated my account. I imagine at some point I will just deactivate all together and be done.

I am realizing who my friends are. I know we all get busy. I am not always the best friend to others but I do try. I realize that where I am at in my life and with doing foster care others may not fully understand how to support me...but I need support. It can be very lonely because there are some limits on what I can talk about.

I don't really know where I am going with this...I guess all I can ask is for support if you can and some prayers. I am trusting in God to get me through this and some days that is hard but I know in the end He will help me.

Too emotionally involved. I have heard this a lot lately. Can you guess why? I am finding it to be a struggle to walk this very fine tight rope of foster care. To become licensed as foster parents, we have to have a total of 55 hours of training by the end of our first year. In the training, they discuss a lot of different things. One thing that is discussed is how as foster parents, we need to be welcoming of children placed in our care. We need to make them feel like they are a part of our family. We need to dress them like we would dress our other children..so they should not be in thrift store clothing while the bio children are wearing some really nice threads. From the outside looking in, no one should be able to tell that the children in our care are not ours.

I feel like there is no gray area for me. It's either I become a mama bear who loves these children, protects them, cares for them, advocates for them and makes sure they know they are loved by us or I do the bare minimum for them which in my eyes, is not doing them any justice.

We have had our foster baby for 5 1/2 months now. We got her straight from the hospital at two weeks old. She came to us with more needs than we were aware of when accepting the placement. When she was discharged, I had to do all the new parent videos just like her parents would have had to do. When we realized just how complex her health needs were, I was on the phone getting her in to various doctors for follow-up care. Looking at her now, you would have never known just how frail she was. But it has taken a lot of work to get her where she is today.

I feel like because this case has been so much more involved because of her needs, we have bonded much more quickly than I would have ever anticipated. I do feel protective over her. I feel like she deserves to have people pushing for her needs and making sure every single one of them are being met. Visits with her family have been inconsistent and because of that, that co-parent relationship we would normally have with them has not been there. That can make it hard to keep a good focus sometimes when I don't have her parents to talk to about how she is doing. I know they are doing their very best though.

Anyway, I feel like I am always defending where I am coming from. I wear my heart of my sleeve and this case has taken an emotional toll on me some days. There are days when we have visits and I feel like all I do is cry during the visit because of the twists and turns that have taken place. I have not figured out how to be there for her without being too emotionally involved.

I am hoping that with each placement this aspect will get a little easier to figure out but something tells me that probably won't be the case. Regardless though, I will try my best to stick to my role as foster parent but I am going to love on any child placed in our home as if they were mine until they can be reunified with their family.

This school year so far has been going really well for my kids. Everyone has great teachers and it's just a much better feel compared to last year. I guess for today, I want to focus on Emilie though.

Emilie is our quieter child who can take a little longer to open up and be chatty but she is fun and has lots to say once you get to know her! Every year is hard for her. The beginning and the end are the two days of school I always dread the most. She cries and as she gets older, I feel bad because it is hard enough being the quiet kid but then add crying and, well, let's face it, kids can be mean and I don't want there to be anymore reason for her to be teased or made fun of.

She has a few select friends that she has really bonded with and of course this year none of them are in her classes. This is good and bad. It forces her to try and make new friends which is good but bad. Thankfully her Literacy teacher took her under her wing and can see what I see and I am so very thankful for that!! However, her science teacher is really another story. The first thing that came out of her mouth was Emilie is too quiet and really needs to open up. I have to say, I am quite sick of people, teachers and anyone for that matter saying that to me about my daughter. I have heard it every school year and it really has gotten old. Why can't they be thankful to have a child who listens to the rules, is respectful of others?

Natalie and Kodie are the complete opposite. Last year Natalie was constantly in trouble for talking and it was always on her report card that she talked too much and needed to work on that. So as a parent, I feel like a teacher should be grateful for the Emilie's in the world :)

Anyway, Emilie had a science fair last week and we walked in the school and I was approached by a group of girls who were oohing and awing over our foster baby...she is a real hit wherever we go! They wanted to know whose mom I was and I told them. All they had to say was they knew her and that she is so quiet and won't talk to people. So now I am hearing this from adults and kids and it makes me think if this is being said in front of Emilie, how is this supposed to make her feel?

I always defend her and always will. Others may not be appreciative of a quieter child but I sure am!!

Yesterday, I blogged and it probably made no sense to others...I keep a lot in and don't talk about things and when I do talk about things, it is with just a couple of people. Anyway, I mentioned a bible verse.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34

I feel like yesterday when I saw this in my email, it was the perfect time to receive it. Like I mentioned yesterday, I need to only worry about today and try and not worry about tomorrow...to not worry about things that are not in my control. I don't know why this is so difficult for me...it is a constant struggle. 

In a way, I feel like foster care and having children is helping force me to try and work on this issue for me....but I still struggle and will probably continue to struggle for years to come. I received a phone call from our foster baby's caseworker yesterday. It was a bit unexpected but ultimately I know it was a good development for her. My reaction for myself was an explosion of tears...I hung up the phone and the tears just would not stop. I called my mom, I texted with my sister and called Steve and it helped but what helped the most though was sleep. 

I woke this morning feeling better about the whole situation and I know that God will help me through this. I do not know what the final outcome will be for her but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. 

I don't like to ask for help. I like to try and do it all on my own and at times, I take on way too much but I somehow manage to figure it all out. But, I do ask for prayers. This has been a hard journey with lots of ups and downs and it's only been five months (well, five months this coming Monday). Sometimes I wonder if I need to seek out a therapist. Our licensing worker is great and I know if I needed to talk, I could call her but I also feel like it isn't her job to be my therapist :) The CASA worker on the case has told me to call her anytime and again, I know she means it but I don't want to cross a line where I call too often or put her in a tough position. There is only so much I can discuss with people outside of the case and it gets really hard having all of that stuff bottled up. 

Like I said, I'll figure it out...but if you could pray, I know it will help. I have felt the power of prayer helping me in the past and I know without a doubt it will help me again!