We have an official new addition

Thursday, November 14th, 2013, our family officially grew :) Baby A was adopted into our family…she has been with us since she was two weeks old so she's always felt like she was a part of our family but it is great to be able to officially say she is and to introduce her as Addie!

We are now taking a break for a couple of months from fostering. We are looking forward to reopening in the Spring but in the meantime, we are enjoying no paperwork, no monthly visits with caseworkers (although I will admit I miss them and always enjoyed them!) and being able to take extended family trips without having to ask for permission :)

It was a long 18 months. When we accepted her as a placement, we were focused on her being reunified with her birth parents but sadly that wasn't able to happen. We are now trying to navigate how to have an open adoption with them. We want her to know them as she grows up but trying to set boundaries and change roles is hard and something I am constantly questioning right now.

As always though, I have to say thank you for your support and prayers. It was quite the journey but really, the journey is just beginning!

It has been a long time since I've logged on to type away on my laptop. I have had no motivation to share about things because I've been struggling and I am still struggling.

I have realized that some of my friendships have changed and I cannot rely on those friends anymore to be a listening ear...but I have realized that some people whom I have met recently are willing to listen or be a source of encouragement for me.

I have realized that I miss my dad much more than I ever thought I would. This is what I struggle with the most right now. It has been 8 months since he passed away and it isn't getting easier...it is getting harder. My dad and I were not close. He was a hard person to please and very gruff. I have extreme sadness because of things I said as a teenager and I never really was able to apologize to him. The last time I talked to my dad by video before he passed it was too hard for him so a lot was left unsaid. Even though we weren't close though, I loved him. We didn't talk every day but we never went this long without talking and I would give anything right now to be able to have a quick chat with him.

I have days where I do okay but I have many more where I just break down crying lately. With the holidays approaching, it's getting harder...I am just trying to keep my faith which to be honest, is hard to do these days.

On a happier note, we are much closer to finalizing our adoption of Baby A. I am looking forward to closing that chapter and having a few months to just be the Fryer family before we accept new placements.

One of these days I will get my motivation to write again. Thank you to all who have been of support to me these last few months. I am so very thankful to you all!!

Have you ever had a day where you just break down? Today was that day for me. I have been keeping a lot to myself, pretending that everything is fine and staying busy so I wouldn't have to deal with my life. Today I wasn't able to avoid it any longer. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have come to realize lately that people who I thought were my friends are not going to be there for me when I need them....and I was surprised by who reached out to me today. It touched my heart to receive messages from people I wouldn't have expected but I was a little disappointed that the people that I'd think would reach out didn't. I totally get that people get busy but at what point do we realize that we should NEVER be too busy to be there for a friend who is in need of support?

My dad died 6 months ago. I found out 8 months ago that he had cancer. You do the math. That is 2 months from when I found out he had to cancer to when he passed away. I know that people in my life are going to go on with their lives but please realize that I am still grieving and it doesn't hurt to ask how I am doing from time to time. I am still in shock. It still hasn't fully hit me that he's gone. It's getting harder though because I think I am beginning to realize it and I am feeling really sad because of it.

I am also feeling like a complete and utter failure with regards to my kids. Natalie is struggling with reading in school. I have been pushing for her to get extra help but because she wasn't far enough behind, no one would help her. The public school system has failed her but I feel like I have failed her too. She is now far enough behind that I think she may get the help she needs but why does it have to come to this??? Why do we have to let our kids get so far behind before the school steps in and realizes they should maybe help them out??? At her IEP meetings the last couple of years, this is what I would mention. I would talk about why she needs the help and that I don't want her to get behind and then be trying to learn what she needs to know for her current academic year on top of what she has missed out on.

I am an angry mom feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated with the system right now. How do I help my child when the thing she is struggling with is the very thing I struggled with in school? My first response is to pull her from school and just home school her so she can get the one-on-one help she so obviously needs....the problem with that is she LOVES school. I am calling a meeting though. Changes need to be made with the help she is getting and I am going to fight for it. I am looking into getting a parent advocate to assist me so that my voice is finally heard so my daughter can get the help she needs and deserves.

I need some prayers though. I am ready to go in with guns blazing but I need help with being patient so that I am not met with resistance. I know all her teachers want to do is help and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Slowly getting healthier...

After hearing the news that my dad had colon cancer, I knew I needed to make some changes. Who knows what was the cause for his colon cancer but the fact that he had end stage and was 63 when he passed away just hit me...63 is just too young to pass away.

I have been the type where a new year begins and I make New Year's resolutions but never keep them. I turned 30 and thought, "okay, this is it, I will finally get it together". I now am 33 and it took having my dad die 3 months ago to finally get the motivation I have been lacking for so many years. I have lacked the motivation honestly to make the commitment and actually keep it.

I have worked on changing my portion sizes, trying to eat out less, eliminating pop entirely from my diet, drinking a lot of green smoothies and trying to avoid too much processed foods....which means more cooking but it's been fun to try new recipes and new ingredients. In the process I have lost 25 pounds and reached one goal for myself...I have a long way to go honestly but I feel like my head is finally there and I am slowly figuring it out :)

The ban on adoption

As some of you may recall, back in December there was a ban put into place for adoptions in Russia. The ban stopped 300 adoptions from being able to proceed of children in orphanages and mental institutions. 300 adoptions of families who had chosen a child, met the child and had not passed court yet....but it didn't just stop 300 adoptions; it stopped any adoptions from occurring in the future. 

Some families have made the heart wrenching decision to choose another country in Eastern Europe so they can still adopt and others have made the decision to try and keep fighting for the children they have chosen by writing letters to Senators, Representatives and the President with hopes that they will help get the discussion going again and get the ban overturned. 

There is a Facebook page and they are trying to get likes on the page. They are trying to show that this is important and maybe if we can show it is important, then maybe positive change will come. I ask you to please consider liking this page: 300 Broken Promises After you like it, please share it with your friends and lets help spread the word. 

The last few days I have written up a new blog post, posted them and even shared one on Facebook only to delete all evidence of having written them. I feel like this is a place for me to write about how I am feeling about everything...the good, the bad and the ugly of my life. Unfortunately not everyone agrees. I guess the ugly things that have happened in my life should be forgiven and forgotten about. People in my life who have hurt me whether intentional or not have been forgiven but I cannot forget what has happened in my life. Maybe some people out there can forget about things done to them but that is something that I struggle with. How can I forget a time in my life that changed me and made me fearful of so many things? 

I feel like this is my place to write what's on my mind and if you don't like it, then don't read it. Honestly, some of these posts are to help me. I have come to realize that there are certain things that I cannot talk about with certain people in my life without being criticized in the process. If I can't talk to people about it, then I'm going to have to write what's on my mind because in order for me to move past certain things, I need to get it out. 

We have done a lot of different trainings for foster care. A recurring theme in these trainings is children in our care can be doing very well for years and all of a sudden something will trigger a memory or something and they can regress and be fearful and act out as a result of the trigger. I have learned that this is an issue for me. I am trying to figure out how to protect myself in the future and still have a relationship with people in my life who have hurt me. I am at fault for many things and wish I could change things for many reasons and I hope anyone I have hurt can forgive me. 

I needed to write this and actually post it. My intent is to never hurt anyone...my goal is to move forward. The last few months have been hard. I feel like I start moving forward and then I remember my dad is gone and I take a few steps back. Losing a parent sucks. It will get easier somehow and in the meantime I am just going to try and keep taking it a day at a time. 

I have obviously been MIA from here. I have so much to share and write about but cannot find the motivation to sit and actually type. I have tried on more than one occasion to write a new post.

It has been three months since my dad passed away and in that time, Steve's grandma passed away and my brother's newborn son passed away. I feel like I am in a fog and going through the motions of everyday life. This truly sucks. My dad is really gone and yet it still feels so surreal.

We are leaving next week for a road trip to Arizona and will meet my mom there. My dad's remains will finally be laid to rest and it is just making me so sad because it seems that much more final. I am glad I am going and bringing the rest of the family but it isn't going to be an easy trip.

In addition to all of this loss in my family's life, we are still doing foster care and have had baby A for a year now. It's so hard to believe she has been with us that long. She is taking steps and so mobile now...she has come such a long way! I had forgotten how busy this age is...but it is fun.

Summer break is about three weeks away for the kids and I am ready. I think they are too. I am looking forward to time with them and being able to relax some. Each year just seems to go quicker and quicker doesn't it?

Hopefully after next week, with a little bit more closure, I will find some more motivation to get on here more regularly. Thanks for bearing with me!