Loss

It has been forever since I have logged on and written anything. I have had times where I have felt the urge to let me finger type away at the keys on my laptop but haven't managed to find the motivation to actually allow that process to happen.

It's been 20 months since my dad passed away. I am feeling the loss from his passing more and more. Honestly, it probably doesn't help that as October is coming to an end, I know what is upon me...the holidays and the end of another year with him gone. I know with time, it will get easier because that's what I've been told and I have days where I'm okay and then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I shouldn't be happy just quite yet.

I feel the loss from friendships. A few of my friendships over the course of losing my dad faded away. Sure we check-in on occasion...and when I say occasion, I mean every few months and that's hard when I used to be able to talk to them more regularly and have their support. I realize though that as we get older, friendships change but it doesn't make that loss and less harder to work through.

I am feeling the loss of my sister not living one state over...this probably seems silly but since I got married 14 years ago, I have lived on other continents away from my family so when we moved to Germany, I was so excited that I had a family member one state over and it gave me a sense of comfort knowing she wasn't that far away. Now she is across the pond on an adventure of her own and while I am excited for her and love see their photos of their fun new life, I still feel sad for me.

In just a few short weeks, I will become an aunt again and I am excited but it makes me wish we were closer to Alaska so I could be more involved and help out...although maybe my youngest sis is okay with not having all of her family close by to help her out :)

I guess we all feel loss over the course of our lives, don't we? We all handle it differently and for some it is more challenging than it is for others. I know that this too shall pass but today I am just allowing myself to feel more freely because I tend to just bottle it up and keep pushing on.

Realizations

I haven't logged on in awhile. I find it harder to do these days. We have a new foster baby so that puts us at six kids. I think we are finally in a routine again after two month with the newest addition. New placements always bring lots of appointments, visits with caseworkers and birth families. He is such a happy baby and Ethan is loving having a boy in the house...even if it's a baby boy :)

Another reason I have been absent from the virtual world of blogging is I've been trying to figure so many different things out. My family life, my friendships and just my personal life in general. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing came and went. It was harder than I expected it to be but I don't think we can ever be prepared for how to handle the loss of a loved one.

I am realizing that this second year is going to be harder for me. I was numb pretty much for the first six months after his passing and then it hit me...my dad is gone. I know he's with me though in spirit. I used to have dreams about him and they always felt so real. I haven't had a dream about my dad though in quite some time. I've been angry and sad and just feeling his passing much more easily. I have realized that every movie out there is probably going to make me cry now...then again, most of the movies I see lately deal with death (and when I go to see them, I am unaware that this will be touched on during the movie).

My friendships with certain friends have changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. I miss these friends truly but the friendship has changed and I hear from them very rarely and that is hard. It made my dad's passing very hard because I didn't have them to help me through it. I was disappointed in them because it was hard for me to not feel like I was alone. I had friends who I was hoping would be there for me because they also have lost a parent and they were not there for me.

I now realize that I need to really put myself first. I cannot depend on others to help make me happy...that can only happen if I make myself a priority. I will be there for my friends but I have reached a point where if I don't hear from them, I'm okay with that but I'm not going to reach out to them when the relationship is only one-sided.

If this upsets anyone, I do apologize. I am thankful for those that have been there for me. I hope to be there for you also when you need a friend...but in the end, I am still grieving and struggling and need to put me first for a little while.

Time to start a normal routine again...

School is back in session for my kids. They went back today and Ethan will start back tomorrow morning. I have truly LOVED having them home the last couple of weeks!

We went to Tucson, stayed warm inside our home on the cold days while baking, watching movies and reading lots of books. I know they were super excited to go back to school this morning but I sure do miss them during the day.

So in anticipation of them going back to school, I have been finding little projects that can keep me busy during the week…besides hanging out with Addie all day and Ethan in the afternoon :)

Pinterest has become a fun place for me to find fun things to do and I pin A LOT…but very rarely ever do anything with the pins. BUT, I plan on doing a few here soon and can't wait! I am excited to make my own body scrubs, lotions and cleaners.

Here are a few of the recipes I want to try out:

Whipped Body Butter

Deep Hair Conditioner

Lip Scrub

Next week we will have a visit with our resource worker to start discussing our re-certification and opening back up for placements. Recently, I was talking to someone who works with Addie and I realized, foster care is my social life…is that sad to admit?? A lot of people don't really understand my life and that's okay but the caseworkers, CASA workers and GALs (while they may not understand my life if they have not been a foster parent) they do understand to some degree and I can talk to them openly and that helps.

I remember my last visit with each person on Addie's case and I felt sad after they left. I really enjoyed their visits…I am probably one of the very few foster parents who look forward to those visits!! :) I am excited about new placements in the very near future.

We spent time as a family and it just being us but I have that itch now and am feeling like it's time for us to help another child.

New Year, New Outlook On Life

I have taken some time off from email, Facebook and my home business over the Holidays. I needed time to regroup…I am feeling a little more ready to dive back in.

Winter break is coming to an end here. The girls go back Wednesday and Ethan goes back Thursday…I have enjoyed having them home. We've read, watched movies, baked, took a family trip and did lots of cleaning/organizing. We were asked to do respite for a day for a family but it fell through…it got the itch to dig even deeper to open our home back up for foster care placements :)

I have started the New Year with resolutions of trying to be more present in my kids life and having more patience with them, too. I feel like I have lost some really great friends since my dad died and want to reconnect with them but ultimately am at a point in my life where I am tired of things being one-sided and having to put the work in to talk with them…so I am moving on at this point. I spent last year sad that I would check-in with others and never hear from them. I have realized I need to make myself and my family a priority and can't obsess about lost friendships anymore.

Last year was hard for so many different reasons. One thing that was really hard was being judged for my parenting or apparently lack of parenting in some people's opinions. I don't always feel like the most confident parent but I love my kids and do my best…some days it's not my best but I always try to start the next day over and do better and I ALWAYS admit to them when I have made a mistake and apologize. It is not easy being a parent. I have decided that if you do not live in my home and live my life 24-7, you have no right to judge how I parent. I will make plenty of mistakes and I will own up to them but I do not need to be judged.

I am growing up and no longer a kid anymore. I am in my 30's and feeling more confident in standing up for myself and making my voice heard. If that offends anyone, I will not apologize for it because I just cannot continue to keep quiet, walk on eggshells and hope not to offend anyone.

I have lost my way with my Faith and have been praying a lot to try and find my way back. After leaving Germany and my church family there, I have not found that place where I feel like I belong again. I know the church there has changed and everyone that I was friends with there has moved on with new chapters in their lives but I wish I could find that again. I know I will.

It is a New year again. Each year seems to go by more quickly and I have many hopes and goals for this year. I am truly looking forward to 2014!!!

Another year comes to an end...

It is so hard to believe that 2013 is coming to and end. When I take a look back at my posts for this year, they have definitely varied a lot from the first of the year. I started the year determined to blog daily about orphans overseas. I blogged about my dad's battle with colon cancer that took his life way too quickly. I had posts about my kids and our new addition…and some I'd rather forget about my struggles with losing my dad.

There could have been many more posts. This year has been challenging for me on many different levels. There have been many blessings, too and I am trying to just focus on that. I am hopeful that in the New Year I will blog more and that my posts will be more positive and that 2014 in general will be easier.

I am looking forward to doing some more traveling…I have plans already and am hoping to take the kids to Mount Rushmore since we've never been :) I will have a teenager in the New Year (which just does not seem possible honestly).

We will also open our home back up to other foster care placements. I remember when our licensing worker told me we'd have to take a couple of months off after we finalized and I thought, "Why would I need to do that??"…but in all honesty, I am glad. We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving and Tucson for Christmas. We haven't taken many trips since we began fostering and certainly none that had us out of Colorado for more than a weekend. So this break gave us an opportunity to see family and take off for a week at a time.

I am thankful, truly for this year…it's a year I'd rather forget but I have also learned a little bit more about myself. I am looking forward to a new year though and to see where this adventure of life takes me!

Grieving

It has been almost 1 year since I received the call from my mom that my dad was in the hospital and that it appeared he had cancer. I am finally feeling ready to talk about this and write about this…even though it doesn't honestly feel totally real.

December 7, 2012 my family and I had just had our family photos taken. We were on our way home when the phone rang. I answered and never could have imagined what was about to unfold. I knew something was wrong from the tone in my mom's voice. I remember thinking it was a big joke. I remember trying not to get upset because my kids were in the back of the car. I remember talking to my siblings on the phone and none of us really quite knew what to say or how to react.

We weren't just told he had cancer. We were told that it was very serious and didn't look good. My dad had been seen in the ER in August…the 13th to be exact. I found paperwork months later that had been in his truck with the date from that visit.

What unfolded over those next 2 months and 6 days was hard. My dad was in the hospital for a few days but ended up back in the hospital shortly thereafter. The hospital ultimately told him there was nothing they could do for him and wanted to start Hospice. He was given one option though to go to Oregon and he took it. He and my mom spent a few weeks in Oregon where they were able to confirm he had Colon Cancer and it was Stage 4. He had to have his Colon resected.

I flew to Oregon a couple of days after Christmas. I missed my original flight but was able to get on another one later in the day. My mom picked me up at the airport and we went to the hospital to get my dad and Aunt Mary because my dad was being discharged and released to a hotel. He needed to get stronger in order to go home to Alaska. I will never forget seeing my dad for the first time. He had aged at least 20 years.

It was hard being in Oregon. It was hard seeing my dad like that. There were still flickers of his grumpy personality that would pop out. He snapped at me a few times and it was really hard to not take it personally. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying wondering why I was there. I remember thinking it would be better to not have my last memories of my dad mad at me. Considering the outcome for my dad, I am forever grateful and thankful that I was able to be there with him and my mom.

On New Year's Eve, I headed home to Colorado to be with my kids and Steve. That was the hardest goodbye I have ever had. I knew that is was the last time I would ever be able to hug my dad again and talk to him in person. How do you get on a plane knowing you will never see someone again??? I cried in the airport. I cried through security…and I cried even more when my shirt set of the detector and had to be patted down. Thankfully my flight back was in First Class so I felt like I could blend in a little bit more easily.

My parents, after a lot of fighting and prayer, got back home to Alaska in January. My dad was hoping to do chemo. I remember talking to my mom on the phone about this. I remember thinking why he would do chemo and felt guilty for letting those thoughts cross my mind. My gut knew it would not help him. He was dying and very close to it. The day he was supposed to go in to begin chemo (and I question whether that was why he was going to the hospital that day), he couldn't get down the stairs in my parents house. Ultimately he made the decision not to do chemo.

That phone call was hard. Although I knew deep down chemo really wasn't an option, the second he really wasn't going to do it was very hard. For me it meant the end of fighting. I know he made the right decision. Chemo would have ravaged his body more than it already had.

My sister and brother flew to Alaska 1 week before my dad passed away. I remember seeing photos that were posted of my dad and talking to my mom about how he was doing. He was holding on for them to get to Alaska but when they left to go home, I imagine he felt like he could let go because Tuesday he rapidly started to deteriorate. I messaged my mom a lot. I booked my ticket to leave for Alaska but knew I could not get home in time to be with him.

 I was not sleeping well. I routinely woke up each night at the same time…3 am. I woke up Wednesday morning and could not go back to sleep. I went out to the living room and got on the computer and watched tv. I messaged my mom at some point and she was telling me what his O2 levels were. After having our daughter on oxygen, I learned quickly about when oxygen is needed.

We messaged back and forth and then my kids got up. I proceeded to check messages and help them with breakfast. I yelled at Natalie that morning. I was so angry about what was happening. As I was yelling, something came over me and I became calm. Little did I know that my dad was very close to leaving this world while this was going on in my home.

I left the house to get everyone off to school and to take Natalie and Kodie to the orthodontist. I had just left the school when my phone rang. It was my mom's friend calling to tell me my dad had just passed away. I drove to the orthodontist and got the girls checked in. I called Steve and texted a couple of my friends and told them. I was in shock. My dad's death did not hit me right away. It was the day before Valentine's day. We gave our kids their gifts and I packed for an early Thursday morning departure.

I arrived to Anchorage about the same time as my sister coming from Utah and one of my dad's coworkers picked us up. I remember arriving to my parent's house. It felt strange being there and more strange not having my dad there…but it did not feel real.

I remember getting ready for the visitation. I didn't know if I would go in and see him one last time or not. I went in with my sister and I broke down for the first time seeing him laying in the coffin. He did not look like the dad I knew growing up. As the visitation came to a close, I remember telling my mom it felt wrong to leave him there. I know that his soul was not in his body but it felt wrong to leave him.

The day of his funeral, I was a mess. We had arrived to the church and I was sitting there and saw a car pull up. I thought it was the hurst…it was not but it triggered something in me and the tears began. The Color Guard (I think that's the name) arrived and decisions were being made. I cried as they brought my dad in. They were so careful and did a beautiful job but it was so sad to see. I remember watching my dad's coworkers arrive to the church. I watched them approach his casket one last time so they could say their goodbyes. I remember being in awe of how many people arrived. My dad touched many people's lives and I had no idea just how important he was to others.

I spent time in Alaska helping my mom with things for about a week. Each night we talked about strange it felt. It felt like something/someone was missing. The house had an eery quietness about it.

It has been almost 10 months since his passing. My parent's anniversary, father's day, my dad's birthday, and Thanksgiving have all come and gone. Christmas is approaching and I do not feel like celebrating or decorating. We will decorate because I am doing it for my kids. We are headed to Tucson to see my mom for Christmas this year. I can't imagine a better way to spend it for the first Christmas without my dad.

I am struggling. I have days where I am okay but I have many days where I am sad and miss my dad. I am starting to realize this is real even though it doesn't feel real at the same time. I am starting to realize that a grief group is probably a good idea. I need to talk about this but I know people are probably tired of hearing about it. I know everyone has moved on that wasn't directly impacted by this and I understand that…but I am not ready to move on.

I know it will get easier somehow but I think I will always be grieving in some way.

We have an official new addition

Thursday, November 14th, 2013, our family officially grew :) Baby A was adopted into our family…she has been with us since she was two weeks old so she's always felt like she was a part of our family but it is great to be able to officially say she is and to introduce her as Addie!

We are now taking a break for a couple of months from fostering. We are looking forward to reopening in the Spring but in the meantime, we are enjoying no paperwork, no monthly visits with caseworkers (although I will admit I miss them and always enjoyed them!) and being able to take extended family trips without having to ask for permission :)

It was a long 18 months. When we accepted her as a placement, we were focused on her being reunified with her birth parents but sadly that wasn't able to happen. We are now trying to navigate how to have an open adoption with them. We want her to know them as she grows up but trying to set boundaries and change roles is hard and something I am constantly questioning right now.

As always though, I have to say thank you for your support and prayers. It was quite the journey but really, the journey is just beginning!