I am not good at goodbyes and as another school year comes to an end, I find myself having to say goodbye to some amazing teachers whom my kids have had the distinct privilege of being taught by. Some I have known since my kids started attending our local neighborhood school and others I have met only this year. Regardless of how long I have known them, each and everyone of them have be instrumental in my children's growth.
My kids found their voices this year and I firmly believe that was because of their teachers. Without their teachers support, I'm not sure that would have happened so early in their lives. My hope is that they will use their voices throughout their school years and life.
Academically my kids have come a long way. For my son, he is now grade level in reading and he began the year a year behind. Without the support of his team, I don't know if that would have happened. I have watched him grow emotionally and become more secure in himself and that has been such an amazing thing to witness!
My oldest will be ending her freshman year soon and I think now she realizes just how quickly each year flies by. Reality is setting in for her. In three short years, her life will take a new path and I am so excited for her...and sad because I am not quite ready for it.
This year has been quite unique. I'm not honestly sure how to put it into words...I can only describe it as eye-opening, disappointing, and a great year all at the same time. I have never been more ready for summer but this year I am. I am hoping that summer will help bring me clarity and motivation to prepare for a new school year in the fall.
My hope ultimately is that I can build new working relationships with the new teachers next year and support them. Teachers have a very difficult job and until this year, I never realized just how hard it was. I am so thankful for teachers!!
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Loss
I know what you are thinking...loss, hasn't she talked about this a lot lately? I have. The loss of my dad was tough but I have been feeling the loss of something else and struggling with it for quite awhile
We have open adoptions with our adopted children's birth parents. What the open adoption looks like is different with all of them because of different reasons. I had a vision of what this would look like and it hasn't really panned out the way I was hoping. I have felt like I have failed somehow because of this. I feel like I haven't reached out enough, that I am not open enough or maybe even that I don't care enough. Although my head knows this is all not true, my heart struggles with it.
Right now we don't have much contact with some of the birth parents in our kiddos life. I am sure there are a variety of reasons why we don't hear from some of them. I don't know what it is like to be in their shoes. To have lost custody of your child. To not be raising your child, watching them grow and learn and become wonderful little people who will become wonderful adults. To be watching them being raised by someone else. My heart breaks for them because I truly cannot imagine how they are handling their loss.
But while I struggle with my sadness for their loss, I also struggle for my children's loss. They lost their birth parent for reasons that are hard to understand. They may have gained my family as their own but they still have a loss that they will have to grieve as they get older. They are all too young right now to understand the complexity of their family dynamics. We have photos of them with their birth parents in their rooms. We look at these photos every day. My hope is this will help them know that their story is a wonderful story and they have many, many people who love them.
I think the impact of losing my dad has left me feeling loss even stronger than I normally would. I don't understand why we have lost contact with some of the birth parents. I look at my children and my heart if filled with joy and I wonder who wouldn't want to have that opportunity to be around them? I feel like any contact, however minimal it might be for the time being as we establish boundaries and establish our family, that any contact would be wanted.
I feel the need to protect my babies from having people in and out of their life as they grow up. This world can be very disappointing and I feel like this is one thing I can control for them...by not allowing people in and out of their lives.
At the end of the day, I am not judging...I just feel sad. This is not what I envisioned. I hope one day soon, things will turn around but for now, I just have to keep on protecting my babies.
We have open adoptions with our adopted children's birth parents. What the open adoption looks like is different with all of them because of different reasons. I had a vision of what this would look like and it hasn't really panned out the way I was hoping. I have felt like I have failed somehow because of this. I feel like I haven't reached out enough, that I am not open enough or maybe even that I don't care enough. Although my head knows this is all not true, my heart struggles with it.
Right now we don't have much contact with some of the birth parents in our kiddos life. I am sure there are a variety of reasons why we don't hear from some of them. I don't know what it is like to be in their shoes. To have lost custody of your child. To not be raising your child, watching them grow and learn and become wonderful little people who will become wonderful adults. To be watching them being raised by someone else. My heart breaks for them because I truly cannot imagine how they are handling their loss.
But while I struggle with my sadness for their loss, I also struggle for my children's loss. They lost their birth parent for reasons that are hard to understand. They may have gained my family as their own but they still have a loss that they will have to grieve as they get older. They are all too young right now to understand the complexity of their family dynamics. We have photos of them with their birth parents in their rooms. We look at these photos every day. My hope is this will help them know that their story is a wonderful story and they have many, many people who love them.
I think the impact of losing my dad has left me feeling loss even stronger than I normally would. I don't understand why we have lost contact with some of the birth parents. I look at my children and my heart if filled with joy and I wonder who wouldn't want to have that opportunity to be around them? I feel like any contact, however minimal it might be for the time being as we establish boundaries and establish our family, that any contact would be wanted.
I feel the need to protect my babies from having people in and out of their life as they grow up. This world can be very disappointing and I feel like this is one thing I can control for them...by not allowing people in and out of their lives.
At the end of the day, I am not judging...I just feel sad. This is not what I envisioned. I hope one day soon, things will turn around but for now, I just have to keep on protecting my babies.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
A new year and it's flying by
A lot has happened since the last time I logged on here. We have adopted a little boy from foster care. We now have six children (three of whom are adopted). The day after we finalized our adoption, we officially closed our home as a foster home. It is a very strange feeling to no longer have anyone needing to come to my home and inspect it or check-up on any kiddos in our home. I will admit I cried the first day when I realized we were done and now I feel at peace. I was and still am disappointed that we could foster for four years, adopt three children, have 12 children in our home and be given no thanks at all for our service. I didn't foster for the gratitude but at the same time, it would have felt nice to feel like our agency had appreciated what we had done. A simple note of thanks would have meant the world to me.
We registered our oldest daughter for her high school classes. I am not sure where the time has gone and have no clue how she can fourteen already! She is excited and nervous...and so am I!! I know how quickly these next few years will go and it saddens me to know she won't be at home much longer...saddens me for me because I will miss seeing her everyday :)
I also marked two years since my dad's passing. I think out of everything, that's the hardest for me to wrap my head around. It feels like yesterday that he passed away. I miss him. I miss calling my mom and talking to her only to realize that my dad is listening in on the conversation :) I feel like I see signs of him letting me know he is still with me...is that crazy?!?
I have been struggling a lot lately with some different emotions. I will leave that for another post and it won't take too long to get that written. It's a bit more personal and I'm trying to find the best way to discuss it openly.
We registered our oldest daughter for her high school classes. I am not sure where the time has gone and have no clue how she can fourteen already! She is excited and nervous...and so am I!! I know how quickly these next few years will go and it saddens me to know she won't be at home much longer...saddens me for me because I will miss seeing her everyday :)
I also marked two years since my dad's passing. I think out of everything, that's the hardest for me to wrap my head around. It feels like yesterday that he passed away. I miss him. I miss calling my mom and talking to her only to realize that my dad is listening in on the conversation :) I feel like I see signs of him letting me know he is still with me...is that crazy?!?
I have been struggling a lot lately with some different emotions. I will leave that for another post and it won't take too long to get that written. It's a bit more personal and I'm trying to find the best way to discuss it openly.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Loss
It has been forever since I have logged on and written anything. I have had times where I have felt the urge to let me finger type away at the keys on my laptop but haven't managed to find the motivation to actually allow that process to happen.
It's been 20 months since my dad passed away. I am feeling the loss from his passing more and more. Honestly, it probably doesn't help that as October is coming to an end, I know what is upon me...the holidays and the end of another year with him gone. I know with time, it will get easier because that's what I've been told and I have days where I'm okay and then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I shouldn't be happy just quite yet.
I feel the loss from friendships. A few of my friendships over the course of losing my dad faded away. Sure we check-in on occasion...and when I say occasion, I mean every few months and that's hard when I used to be able to talk to them more regularly and have their support. I realize though that as we get older, friendships change but it doesn't make that loss and less harder to work through.
I am feeling the loss of my sister not living one state over...this probably seems silly but since I got married 14 years ago, I have lived on other continents away from my family so when we moved to Germany, I was so excited that I had a family member one state over and it gave me a sense of comfort knowing she wasn't that far away. Now she is across the pond on an adventure of her own and while I am excited for her and love see their photos of their fun new life, I still feel sad for me.
In just a few short weeks, I will become an aunt again and I am excited but it makes me wish we were closer to Alaska so I could be more involved and help out...although maybe my youngest sis is okay with not having all of her family close by to help her out :)
I guess we all feel loss over the course of our lives, don't we? We all handle it differently and for some it is more challenging than it is for others. I know that this too shall pass but today I am just allowing myself to feel more freely because I tend to just bottle it up and keep pushing on.
It's been 20 months since my dad passed away. I am feeling the loss from his passing more and more. Honestly, it probably doesn't help that as October is coming to an end, I know what is upon me...the holidays and the end of another year with him gone. I know with time, it will get easier because that's what I've been told and I have days where I'm okay and then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I shouldn't be happy just quite yet.
I feel the loss from friendships. A few of my friendships over the course of losing my dad faded away. Sure we check-in on occasion...and when I say occasion, I mean every few months and that's hard when I used to be able to talk to them more regularly and have their support. I realize though that as we get older, friendships change but it doesn't make that loss and less harder to work through.
I am feeling the loss of my sister not living one state over...this probably seems silly but since I got married 14 years ago, I have lived on other continents away from my family so when we moved to Germany, I was so excited that I had a family member one state over and it gave me a sense of comfort knowing she wasn't that far away. Now she is across the pond on an adventure of her own and while I am excited for her and love see their photos of their fun new life, I still feel sad for me.
In just a few short weeks, I will become an aunt again and I am excited but it makes me wish we were closer to Alaska so I could be more involved and help out...although maybe my youngest sis is okay with not having all of her family close by to help her out :)
I guess we all feel loss over the course of our lives, don't we? We all handle it differently and for some it is more challenging than it is for others. I know that this too shall pass but today I am just allowing myself to feel more freely because I tend to just bottle it up and keep pushing on.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Realizations
I haven't logged on in awhile. I find it harder to do these days. We have a new foster baby so that puts us at six kids. I think we are finally in a routine again after two month with the newest addition. New placements always bring lots of appointments, visits with caseworkers and birth families. He is such a happy baby and Ethan is loving having a boy in the house...even if it's a baby boy :)
Another reason I have been absent from the virtual world of blogging is I've been trying to figure so many different things out. My family life, my friendships and just my personal life in general. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing came and went. It was harder than I expected it to be but I don't think we can ever be prepared for how to handle the loss of a loved one.
I am realizing that this second year is going to be harder for me. I was numb pretty much for the first six months after his passing and then it hit me...my dad is gone. I know he's with me though in spirit. I used to have dreams about him and they always felt so real. I haven't had a dream about my dad though in quite some time. I've been angry and sad and just feeling his passing much more easily. I have realized that every movie out there is probably going to make me cry now...then again, most of the movies I see lately deal with death (and when I go to see them, I am unaware that this will be touched on during the movie).
My friendships with certain friends have changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. I miss these friends truly but the friendship has changed and I hear from them very rarely and that is hard. It made my dad's passing very hard because I didn't have them to help me through it. I was disappointed in them because it was hard for me to not feel like I was alone. I had friends who I was hoping would be there for me because they also have lost a parent and they were not there for me.
I now realize that I need to really put myself first. I cannot depend on others to help make me happy...that can only happen if I make myself a priority. I will be there for my friends but I have reached a point where if I don't hear from them, I'm okay with that but I'm not going to reach out to them when the relationship is only one-sided.
If this upsets anyone, I do apologize. I am thankful for those that have been there for me. I hope to be there for you also when you need a friend...but in the end, I am still grieving and struggling and need to put me first for a little while.
Another reason I have been absent from the virtual world of blogging is I've been trying to figure so many different things out. My family life, my friendships and just my personal life in general. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing came and went. It was harder than I expected it to be but I don't think we can ever be prepared for how to handle the loss of a loved one.
I am realizing that this second year is going to be harder for me. I was numb pretty much for the first six months after his passing and then it hit me...my dad is gone. I know he's with me though in spirit. I used to have dreams about him and they always felt so real. I haven't had a dream about my dad though in quite some time. I've been angry and sad and just feeling his passing much more easily. I have realized that every movie out there is probably going to make me cry now...then again, most of the movies I see lately deal with death (and when I go to see them, I am unaware that this will be touched on during the movie).
My friendships with certain friends have changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. I miss these friends truly but the friendship has changed and I hear from them very rarely and that is hard. It made my dad's passing very hard because I didn't have them to help me through it. I was disappointed in them because it was hard for me to not feel like I was alone. I had friends who I was hoping would be there for me because they also have lost a parent and they were not there for me.
I now realize that I need to really put myself first. I cannot depend on others to help make me happy...that can only happen if I make myself a priority. I will be there for my friends but I have reached a point where if I don't hear from them, I'm okay with that but I'm not going to reach out to them when the relationship is only one-sided.
If this upsets anyone, I do apologize. I am thankful for those that have been there for me. I hope to be there for you also when you need a friend...but in the end, I am still grieving and struggling and need to put me first for a little while.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Time to start a normal routine again...
School is back in session for my kids. They went back today and Ethan will start back tomorrow morning. I have truly LOVED having them home the last couple of weeks!
We went to Tucson, stayed warm inside our home on the cold days while baking, watching movies and reading lots of books. I know they were super excited to go back to school this morning but I sure do miss them during the day.
So in anticipation of them going back to school, I have been finding little projects that can keep me busy during the week…besides hanging out with Addie all day and Ethan in the afternoon :)
Pinterest has become a fun place for me to find fun things to do and I pin A LOT…but very rarely ever do anything with the pins. BUT, I plan on doing a few here soon and can't wait! I am excited to make my own body scrubs, lotions and cleaners.
Here are a few of the recipes I want to try out:
Whipped Body Butter
Deep Hair Conditioner
Lip Scrub
Next week we will have a visit with our resource worker to start discussing our re-certification and opening back up for placements. Recently, I was talking to someone who works with Addie and I realized, foster care is my social life…is that sad to admit?? A lot of people don't really understand my life and that's okay but the caseworkers, CASA workers and GALs (while they may not understand my life if they have not been a foster parent) they do understand to some degree and I can talk to them openly and that helps.
I remember my last visit with each person on Addie's case and I felt sad after they left. I really enjoyed their visits…I am probably one of the very few foster parents who look forward to those visits!! :) I am excited about new placements in the very near future.
We spent time as a family and it just being us but I have that itch now and am feeling like it's time for us to help another child.
We went to Tucson, stayed warm inside our home on the cold days while baking, watching movies and reading lots of books. I know they were super excited to go back to school this morning but I sure do miss them during the day.
So in anticipation of them going back to school, I have been finding little projects that can keep me busy during the week…besides hanging out with Addie all day and Ethan in the afternoon :)
Pinterest has become a fun place for me to find fun things to do and I pin A LOT…but very rarely ever do anything with the pins. BUT, I plan on doing a few here soon and can't wait! I am excited to make my own body scrubs, lotions and cleaners.
Here are a few of the recipes I want to try out:
Whipped Body Butter
Deep Hair Conditioner
Lip Scrub
Next week we will have a visit with our resource worker to start discussing our re-certification and opening back up for placements. Recently, I was talking to someone who works with Addie and I realized, foster care is my social life…is that sad to admit?? A lot of people don't really understand my life and that's okay but the caseworkers, CASA workers and GALs (while they may not understand my life if they have not been a foster parent) they do understand to some degree and I can talk to them openly and that helps.
I remember my last visit with each person on Addie's case and I felt sad after they left. I really enjoyed their visits…I am probably one of the very few foster parents who look forward to those visits!! :) I am excited about new placements in the very near future.
We spent time as a family and it just being us but I have that itch now and am feeling like it's time for us to help another child.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year, New Outlook On Life
I have taken some time off from email, Facebook and my home business over the Holidays. I needed time to regroup…I am feeling a little more ready to dive back in.
Winter break is coming to an end here. The girls go back Wednesday and Ethan goes back Thursday…I have enjoyed having them home. We've read, watched movies, baked, took a family trip and did lots of cleaning/organizing. We were asked to do respite for a day for a family but it fell through…it got the itch to dig even deeper to open our home back up for foster care placements :)
I have started the New Year with resolutions of trying to be more present in my kids life and having more patience with them, too. I feel like I have lost some really great friends since my dad died and want to reconnect with them but ultimately am at a point in my life where I am tired of things being one-sided and having to put the work in to talk with them…so I am moving on at this point. I spent last year sad that I would check-in with others and never hear from them. I have realized I need to make myself and my family a priority and can't obsess about lost friendships anymore.
Last year was hard for so many different reasons. One thing that was really hard was being judged for my parenting or apparently lack of parenting in some people's opinions. I don't always feel like the most confident parent but I love my kids and do my best…some days it's not my best but I always try to start the next day over and do better and I ALWAYS admit to them when I have made a mistake and apologize. It is not easy being a parent. I have decided that if you do not live in my home and live my life 24-7, you have no right to judge how I parent. I will make plenty of mistakes and I will own up to them but I do not need to be judged.
I am growing up and no longer a kid anymore. I am in my 30's and feeling more confident in standing up for myself and making my voice heard. If that offends anyone, I will not apologize for it because I just cannot continue to keep quiet, walk on eggshells and hope not to offend anyone.
I have lost my way with my Faith and have been praying a lot to try and find my way back. After leaving Germany and my church family there, I have not found that place where I feel like I belong again. I know the church there has changed and everyone that I was friends with there has moved on with new chapters in their lives but I wish I could find that again. I know I will.
It is a New year again. Each year seems to go by more quickly and I have many hopes and goals for this year. I am truly looking forward to 2014!!!
Winter break is coming to an end here. The girls go back Wednesday and Ethan goes back Thursday…I have enjoyed having them home. We've read, watched movies, baked, took a family trip and did lots of cleaning/organizing. We were asked to do respite for a day for a family but it fell through…it got the itch to dig even deeper to open our home back up for foster care placements :)
I have started the New Year with resolutions of trying to be more present in my kids life and having more patience with them, too. I feel like I have lost some really great friends since my dad died and want to reconnect with them but ultimately am at a point in my life where I am tired of things being one-sided and having to put the work in to talk with them…so I am moving on at this point. I spent last year sad that I would check-in with others and never hear from them. I have realized I need to make myself and my family a priority and can't obsess about lost friendships anymore.
Last year was hard for so many different reasons. One thing that was really hard was being judged for my parenting or apparently lack of parenting in some people's opinions. I don't always feel like the most confident parent but I love my kids and do my best…some days it's not my best but I always try to start the next day over and do better and I ALWAYS admit to them when I have made a mistake and apologize. It is not easy being a parent. I have decided that if you do not live in my home and live my life 24-7, you have no right to judge how I parent. I will make plenty of mistakes and I will own up to them but I do not need to be judged.
I am growing up and no longer a kid anymore. I am in my 30's and feeling more confident in standing up for myself and making my voice heard. If that offends anyone, I will not apologize for it because I just cannot continue to keep quiet, walk on eggshells and hope not to offend anyone.
I have lost my way with my Faith and have been praying a lot to try and find my way back. After leaving Germany and my church family there, I have not found that place where I feel like I belong again. I know the church there has changed and everyone that I was friends with there has moved on with new chapters in their lives but I wish I could find that again. I know I will.
It is a New year again. Each year seems to go by more quickly and I have many hopes and goals for this year. I am truly looking forward to 2014!!!
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