I have to say thank you to those of you that reached out to me today. I know deep down I am not alone but there are days where I feel like I am. I am grateful for those that are supporting me with encouraging words and prayers.
Today was hard...next week will be easier when we take our foster baby for her visit again. Each visit will get easier. I am having to process a lot right now and try and change my thinking a bit. I love the idea of foster parenting and being there within reason to the birth family.
Today consisted of different emotions, starting the day being called a mean mom, lots of tears, encouraging words from some wonderful people and then being told by a different child that they wished I was not their mom. Thank goodness that each day comes to an end with an opportunity to start the next day anew :)
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Yesterday, I sat and would start to write and then proceed to delete what I had written. I did this many times...I am struggling with a lot of things right now. I am feeling like an utter and complete failure. I know it will get better and I imagine some of this will be easier later today.
Yesterday, I got on facebook and deactivated my account...and then realized last night I needed some of my messages that had phone numbers so I reactivated my account. I imagine at some point I will just deactivate all together and be done.
I am realizing who my friends are. I know we all get busy. I am not always the best friend to others but I do try. I realize that where I am at in my life and with doing foster care others may not fully understand how to support me...but I need support. It can be very lonely because there are some limits on what I can talk about.
I don't really know where I am going with this...I guess all I can ask is for support if you can and some prayers. I am trusting in God to get me through this and some days that is hard but I know in the end He will help me.
Yesterday, I got on facebook and deactivated my account...and then realized last night I needed some of my messages that had phone numbers so I reactivated my account. I imagine at some point I will just deactivate all together and be done.
I am realizing who my friends are. I know we all get busy. I am not always the best friend to others but I do try. I realize that where I am at in my life and with doing foster care others may not fully understand how to support me...but I need support. It can be very lonely because there are some limits on what I can talk about.
I don't really know where I am going with this...I guess all I can ask is for support if you can and some prayers. I am trusting in God to get me through this and some days that is hard but I know in the end He will help me.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Too emotionally involved. I have heard this a lot lately. Can you guess why? I am finding it to be a struggle to walk this very fine tight rope of foster care. To become licensed as foster parents, we have to have a total of 55 hours of training by the end of our first year. In the training, they discuss a lot of different things. One thing that is discussed is how as foster parents, we need to be welcoming of children placed in our care. We need to make them feel like they are a part of our family. We need to dress them like we would dress our other children..so they should not be in thrift store clothing while the bio children are wearing some really nice threads. From the outside looking in, no one should be able to tell that the children in our care are not ours.
I feel like there is no gray area for me. It's either I become a mama bear who loves these children, protects them, cares for them, advocates for them and makes sure they know they are loved by us or I do the bare minimum for them which in my eyes, is not doing them any justice.
We have had our foster baby for 5 1/2 months now. We got her straight from the hospital at two weeks old. She came to us with more needs than we were aware of when accepting the placement. When she was discharged, I had to do all the new parent videos just like her parents would have had to do. When we realized just how complex her health needs were, I was on the phone getting her in to various doctors for follow-up care. Looking at her now, you would have never known just how frail she was. But it has taken a lot of work to get her where she is today.
I feel like because this case has been so much more involved because of her needs, we have bonded much more quickly than I would have ever anticipated. I do feel protective over her. I feel like she deserves to have people pushing for her needs and making sure every single one of them are being met. Visits with her family have been inconsistent and because of that, that co-parent relationship we would normally have with them has not been there. That can make it hard to keep a good focus sometimes when I don't have her parents to talk to about how she is doing. I know they are doing their very best though.
Anyway, I feel like I am always defending where I am coming from. I wear my heart of my sleeve and this case has taken an emotional toll on me some days. There are days when we have visits and I feel like all I do is cry during the visit because of the twists and turns that have taken place. I have not figured out how to be there for her without being too emotionally involved.
I am hoping that with each placement this aspect will get a little easier to figure out but something tells me that probably won't be the case. Regardless though, I will try my best to stick to my role as foster parent but I am going to love on any child placed in our home as if they were mine until they can be reunified with their family.
I feel like there is no gray area for me. It's either I become a mama bear who loves these children, protects them, cares for them, advocates for them and makes sure they know they are loved by us or I do the bare minimum for them which in my eyes, is not doing them any justice.
We have had our foster baby for 5 1/2 months now. We got her straight from the hospital at two weeks old. She came to us with more needs than we were aware of when accepting the placement. When she was discharged, I had to do all the new parent videos just like her parents would have had to do. When we realized just how complex her health needs were, I was on the phone getting her in to various doctors for follow-up care. Looking at her now, you would have never known just how frail she was. But it has taken a lot of work to get her where she is today.
I feel like because this case has been so much more involved because of her needs, we have bonded much more quickly than I would have ever anticipated. I do feel protective over her. I feel like she deserves to have people pushing for her needs and making sure every single one of them are being met. Visits with her family have been inconsistent and because of that, that co-parent relationship we would normally have with them has not been there. That can make it hard to keep a good focus sometimes when I don't have her parents to talk to about how she is doing. I know they are doing their very best though.
Anyway, I feel like I am always defending where I am coming from. I wear my heart of my sleeve and this case has taken an emotional toll on me some days. There are days when we have visits and I feel like all I do is cry during the visit because of the twists and turns that have taken place. I have not figured out how to be there for her without being too emotionally involved.
I am hoping that with each placement this aspect will get a little easier to figure out but something tells me that probably won't be the case. Regardless though, I will try my best to stick to my role as foster parent but I am going to love on any child placed in our home as if they were mine until they can be reunified with their family.
This school year so far has been going really well for my kids. Everyone has great teachers and it's just a much better feel compared to last year. I guess for today, I want to focus on Emilie though.
Emilie is our quieter child who can take a little longer to open up and be chatty but she is fun and has lots to say once you get to know her! Every year is hard for her. The beginning and the end are the two days of school I always dread the most. She cries and as she gets older, I feel bad because it is hard enough being the quiet kid but then add crying and, well, let's face it, kids can be mean and I don't want there to be anymore reason for her to be teased or made fun of.
She has a few select friends that she has really bonded with and of course this year none of them are in her classes. This is good and bad. It forces her to try and make new friends which is good but bad. Thankfully her Literacy teacher took her under her wing and can see what I see and I am so very thankful for that!! However, her science teacher is really another story. The first thing that came out of her mouth was Emilie is too quiet and really needs to open up. I have to say, I am quite sick of people, teachers and anyone for that matter saying that to me about my daughter. I have heard it every school year and it really has gotten old. Why can't they be thankful to have a child who listens to the rules, is respectful of others?
Natalie and Kodie are the complete opposite. Last year Natalie was constantly in trouble for talking and it was always on her report card that she talked too much and needed to work on that. So as a parent, I feel like a teacher should be grateful for the Emilie's in the world :)
Anyway, Emilie had a science fair last week and we walked in the school and I was approached by a group of girls who were oohing and awing over our foster baby...she is a real hit wherever we go! They wanted to know whose mom I was and I told them. All they had to say was they knew her and that she is so quiet and won't talk to people. So now I am hearing this from adults and kids and it makes me think if this is being said in front of Emilie, how is this supposed to make her feel?
I always defend her and always will. Others may not be appreciative of a quieter child but I sure am!!
Emilie is our quieter child who can take a little longer to open up and be chatty but she is fun and has lots to say once you get to know her! Every year is hard for her. The beginning and the end are the two days of school I always dread the most. She cries and as she gets older, I feel bad because it is hard enough being the quiet kid but then add crying and, well, let's face it, kids can be mean and I don't want there to be anymore reason for her to be teased or made fun of.
She has a few select friends that she has really bonded with and of course this year none of them are in her classes. This is good and bad. It forces her to try and make new friends which is good but bad. Thankfully her Literacy teacher took her under her wing and can see what I see and I am so very thankful for that!! However, her science teacher is really another story. The first thing that came out of her mouth was Emilie is too quiet and really needs to open up. I have to say, I am quite sick of people, teachers and anyone for that matter saying that to me about my daughter. I have heard it every school year and it really has gotten old. Why can't they be thankful to have a child who listens to the rules, is respectful of others?
Natalie and Kodie are the complete opposite. Last year Natalie was constantly in trouble for talking and it was always on her report card that she talked too much and needed to work on that. So as a parent, I feel like a teacher should be grateful for the Emilie's in the world :)
Anyway, Emilie had a science fair last week and we walked in the school and I was approached by a group of girls who were oohing and awing over our foster baby...she is a real hit wherever we go! They wanted to know whose mom I was and I told them. All they had to say was they knew her and that she is so quiet and won't talk to people. So now I am hearing this from adults and kids and it makes me think if this is being said in front of Emilie, how is this supposed to make her feel?
I always defend her and always will. Others may not be appreciative of a quieter child but I sure am!!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Yesterday, I blogged and it probably made no sense to others...I keep a lot in and don't talk about things and when I do talk about things, it is with just a couple of people. Anyway, I mentioned a bible verse.
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34
I feel like yesterday when I saw this in my email, it was the perfect time to receive it. Like I mentioned yesterday, I need to only worry about today and try and not worry about tomorrow...to not worry about things that are not in my control. I don't know why this is so difficult for me...it is a constant struggle.
In a way, I feel like foster care and having children is helping force me to try and work on this issue for me....but I still struggle and will probably continue to struggle for years to come. I received a phone call from our foster baby's caseworker yesterday. It was a bit unexpected but ultimately I know it was a good development for her. My reaction for myself was an explosion of tears...I hung up the phone and the tears just would not stop. I called my mom, I texted with my sister and called Steve and it helped but what helped the most though was sleep.
I woke this morning feeling better about the whole situation and I know that God will help me through this. I do not know what the final outcome will be for her but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
I don't like to ask for help. I like to try and do it all on my own and at times, I take on way too much but I somehow manage to figure it all out. But, I do ask for prayers. This has been a hard journey with lots of ups and downs and it's only been five months (well, five months this coming Monday). Sometimes I wonder if I need to seek out a therapist. Our licensing worker is great and I know if I needed to talk, I could call her but I also feel like it isn't her job to be my therapist :) The CASA worker on the case has told me to call her anytime and again, I know she means it but I don't want to cross a line where I call too often or put her in a tough position. There is only so much I can discuss with people outside of the case and it gets really hard having all of that stuff bottled up.
Like I said, I'll figure it out...but if you could pray, I know it will help. I have felt the power of prayer helping me in the past and I know without a doubt it will help me again!
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34
I feel like yesterday when I saw this in my email, it was the perfect time to receive it. Like I mentioned yesterday, I need to only worry about today and try and not worry about tomorrow...to not worry about things that are not in my control. I don't know why this is so difficult for me...it is a constant struggle.
In a way, I feel like foster care and having children is helping force me to try and work on this issue for me....but I still struggle and will probably continue to struggle for years to come. I received a phone call from our foster baby's caseworker yesterday. It was a bit unexpected but ultimately I know it was a good development for her. My reaction for myself was an explosion of tears...I hung up the phone and the tears just would not stop. I called my mom, I texted with my sister and called Steve and it helped but what helped the most though was sleep.
I woke this morning feeling better about the whole situation and I know that God will help me through this. I do not know what the final outcome will be for her but I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
I don't like to ask for help. I like to try and do it all on my own and at times, I take on way too much but I somehow manage to figure it all out. But, I do ask for prayers. This has been a hard journey with lots of ups and downs and it's only been five months (well, five months this coming Monday). Sometimes I wonder if I need to seek out a therapist. Our licensing worker is great and I know if I needed to talk, I could call her but I also feel like it isn't her job to be my therapist :) The CASA worker on the case has told me to call her anytime and again, I know she means it but I don't want to cross a line where I call too often or put her in a tough position. There is only so much I can discuss with people outside of the case and it gets really hard having all of that stuff bottled up.
Like I said, I'll figure it out...but if you could pray, I know it will help. I have felt the power of prayer helping me in the past and I know without a doubt it will help me again!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I woke this morning to a baby up at 5:30...much too early but thankfully she fell back asleep and I went about my morning before everyone else woke up. I can say I am definitely not up for mom of the year award this morning. I work constantly on trying to be patient and calm and not losing my cool with my kids. Some days are easier than others but this morning...well, I don't really know what happened but it was one of those mornings is all I can say. I will say that although I did get caught up in my emotions, I did manage to catch myself and walk away...just not as soon as I wish though. I guess I am a work in progress :)
Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.
I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34
This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.
Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.
I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.
We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.
I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)
Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.
I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34
This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.
Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.
I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.
We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.
I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
It has been a long time since I have posted. We had a very busy summer with visitors and other fun stuff. School started back up the beginning of August and my house is quiet again and I am trying to enjoy it. Another reason I haven't posted is because I have been trying to take a step back from certain things...I have felt a bit negative with my attitude and have felt that at times, I couldn't find many positive things to write or post on Facebook. I was also struggling with feeling not too important in some peoples lives. Facebook is great with being able to stay connected but I was starting to feel like I was in high school again and not very popular. Popularity is not something I strive for but at the same time, it's never fun feeling like not many people are interested in your life. So, I post less in general and try to keep it positive. I don't always succeed but I am trying.
Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.
At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.
I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?
My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.
I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.
Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.
At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.
I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?
My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.
I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.
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