Do you ever feel like you are not a good mom? I am constantly questioning whether I am. I love my children and would do anything for them but somedays I struggle with being patient and not being frustrated with them.

We have been contemplating the age of children and behaviors we'd be willing to work with while doing foster care. The toddler age is very difficult for me...they are so cute, inquisitive and fun but challenging because of the independence they are beginning to have and realizing they have control over somethings. I think I have found that babies are easy (at least for me) and then four year olds and older. But I am also aware that taking in older foster children often times means welcoming children with many more challenges.

I have found that as I've gotten older that it has gotten easier but I hope their memories of me are not of me yelling or being frustrated with them. I always try and remind myself that I can start again the next day and will always try to do better...but I wonder if that's enough.

Have you ever thought about protesting in front of the Capitol? I have...I wish I had the skills to organize a protest. I saw on the news this morning that George Clooney had been arrested for protesting at the Sudanese Embassy. I think what he is doing to bring awareness to the terrible atrocities taking place in Sudan is wonderful!

In 2006 I believe, I became aware of the genocide taking place in Darfur. I have signed petitions and written letters to our elected officials asking for their support to bring awareness to what is taking place there. In school, like every other student out there, I learned about the Holocaust. This time in history had a great impact on me. The words, "Never Again" had a great impact on me.

So, when I learned about what was happening in Darfur, that there was another genocide happening and very few people knew about it, it hit me at my core. I knew personally, that I could not sit by and hear these stories and sit idly by. There are many causes out there that I feel passionately about and this is one of them.

I hope one day when my kids are older, to show them how to protest peacefully. I believe it's important to help show them how our government works...they are currently learning about the different branches of the government and thankfully they find it fascinating!

Hopefully I can do my part to spread the word...because we should never again sit idly by and let mass atrocities happen anywhere in the world.

Who I Am

Politics and social issues have always been something that I have found fascinating and loved to read and learn more about. I totally get that I am in a small minority with some of my beliefs. There are times I feel compelled to post articles I read onto Facebook and share my feelings on those issues...and I absolutely never mean to offend anyone with my opinions.

I am pro-life. I struggle with war. I struggle with the death penalty. I find that every human being regardless of how awful and evil they may seem is worthy of love and respect. I may not always agree with how other live their lives but I am sure others would not always agree with how I live mine.

The verse in the bible (and forgive me because I am not great and knowing which verse is which) that speaks of not casting the first stone...not judging others...I try and live my life with that in mind. I find myself guilty of it from time to time but I do try hard to keep an open mind and not judge.

I am a Christian. I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and so many more things. I hope I never offend anyone with my opinions even when they might seems completely irrational :)

We had a visit today with our social worker. Steve and I...and I should include the kids (specifically the girls) are interested in continuing foster care beyond Ethan's placement with us. Today we spoke about how many children we are willing to foster, the ages we are willing to foster and the needs we think we could handle.

It's a lot to think about...it's hard to not say we want a baby. Who wouldn't right?!? The stories I hear of older children in foster care scare me a little. I believe in every child though, there is good. It may be hard to reach it, to find it but it is there. But knowing how much harder it can be with older children, it makes saying yes to a baby that much easier. We are leaning towards infants through age 10/11 though. I don't feel prepared to take any teens since we have yet to parent one yet.

We were asked how comfortable we would be working with birth parents. I look back to our experience with Ethan and I remember it was awkward at times. We are willing to do it though...I would hope to be able to build some sort of relationship that could be maintained after any child placed with us that is then reunified with their parents. Foster care is ultimately all about reunification if possible.

I have to admit, I am getting really excited that starting next month, we could potentially have a child placed with us. I will always have a sense of sadness for every child pulled from their family but hopefully we can be there in their time of need.

Depression

Have you ever felt like the world would be better off without you? I have. I have been that depressed, that low that I could not see how I was making this world a better place. It's been a long time since I have felt that way. I mean, I have days where I don't feel like I am making an impact but I am not so low that I wish I wasn't here.

I've had friends stick by me and friends who have not. It leads me to wonder why some people stick around and others do not. Wouldn't you want someone to be there for you when you feel so sad that you just can't get in a better place? I feel like you can't expect someone to be there for you if you yourself cannot be there for others.

This has been bothering me lately because someone very dear to me is having a rough time. This person is feeling alone and sad. This person deserves others to be there in this time of need.

I get that sometimes it can feel overwhelming to hear the same thing over and over again and it makes it hard because you may not understand what others are going through which then makes it hard to not feel frustrated that this person is not moving on quickly enough. But what is quickly enough? Everyone deals with their problems differently. It may feel like they should be over said problem right away because in your opinion you would be but we are all unique and handle everything so differently.

I am fortunate that I have had people stick with me through my times of trouble. I am thankful that I have gotten through my dark times.

Each Sunday there is always a homeless person standing at the intersection with a sign. Recently we noticed a tree near the intersection and there is a tarp covering some of the branches. There was also a path with footprints leading from the tree to the intersection.

Yesterday on our way to church, we pulled off the interstate at our exit. As usual the same man was standing at the intersection. I looked over to the tree though and saw a woman walking along that path. It broke my heart. I cannot imagine having to sleep outside.

I have slept outside all night without proper clothing or warmth. It was when I came to Denver for World Youth Day. We camped out at night and slept on the ground...and it was freezing!! That's why I cannot imagine how someone could do that in winter.

I have been fortunate to always have a roof over my head and for that, I am very thankful!

Aging Gracefully

I recently watched a show on 20/20 all about plastic surgery. I watched as both men and women were undergoing surgery to preserve their youth. It left me wondering if I would ever feel that need to also do it? I am not old by any means...I am getting ready to turn 32. I feel like my soul is old but the rest of me is not.

I look in the mirror every morning and do my morning routine. I noticed this morning the start of crows feet. Granted it's just the beginning and most people would probably not notice and think I'm nuts but I can see the beginning of aging. It made me start wondering when I will really see a difference and how I will feel about it.

I hope to age gracefully and embrace every line and gray hair. They are a sign of who we are and storms we have weathered...right? I mean, my stretch marks from my pregnancies are a sign of bringing a life into this world and while I hate them, I love what came from all of it.

I watched 20/20 and cringed at the thought of being pulled at and having needles stuck in my face. But in all reality, I have three daughters and if I can't embrace myself, how can I expect them to? I want to set a good example for them. I am not a celebrity or model and have to remind myself that even they do not look like that in the photos I see in magazines.

I'm starting to feel a little shallow as I write this...I guess it just hit me that while I am by no means old, the aging process will be here before I know it. I only hope that when the time comes I can still fully embrace it.