I woke this morning to a baby up at 5:30...much too early but thankfully she fell back asleep and I went about my morning before everyone else woke up. I can say I am definitely not up for mom of the year award this morning. I work constantly on trying to be patient and calm and not losing my cool with my kids. Some days are easier than others but this morning...well, I don't really know what happened but it was one of those mornings is all I can say. I will say that although I did get caught up in my emotions, I did manage to catch myself and walk away...just not as soon as I wish though. I guess I am a work in progress :)
Anyway, we have been busy here but I also feel like we have not been busy. I see friends posts on facebook and everyone always seems so busy going places and doing lots of fun things...it's fun to hear about their adventures but I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. I have had friends tell me they have no time for tv...and I will admit, I do...so am I doing something wrong that I have time?!? I have five kids (including our foster baby), five animals, a husband and home to take care of. I start to wonder if I am neglecting something in someway that allows me time to watch tv? It leaves me feeling like I am failing somehow because if friends have no time for it, how on earth do I have time for it? I do have downtime during the day and ultimately I know that's why I have time and I get that this is not a competition. I always feel like I could be doing more and if I have time for tv, then I must not be doing enough.
I posted this bible verse this morning on facebook:
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today ~ Matthew 6:34
This is something I honestly struggle with a lot. I worry a lot and internalize everything and I am learning that I need to stop. It is really hard not to do it though and especially with our journey through foster care I am finding this so much more important to remember. All I can worry about with our foster baby is that right now in this moment, we are caring for her and meeting all of her needs and the final outcome of whether she goes home or stays with us permanently is a worry I need to let go of. I feel this way about my kids too...I worry that everything I do will screw them up entirely and right now, today, I need to only worry about today and doing the very best that I can for them as well.
Another reason I have been feeling like a bit of a failure, is Ethan has been having some struggles. It has come out of nowhere and he gets so mad and frustrated. I took him to the park on Tuesday after school to play with some classmates and it was going so well until it was time to leave the park. It was a full blown meltdown and nothing I did worked. I had to put the baby in the care while one of the mom's stood by and kept an eye on her while I carried Ethan kicking and screaming to the car. It leaves me feeling like I cannot leave my home which leaves me feeling extremely isolated. Car rides are hard for our foster baby and any trip I need to make is always timed for when she is wide awake so she is happy and not left crying in the car on the way home. So between the two of them, I have felt so isolated lately.
I am working on trying to meet people...hence the trip to the park. I am trying to branch out and meet other foster parents and we have a playdate set up for Sunday with another local foster family. I am trying to get out so I don't feel isolated but challenging behaviors make it hard. I spoke with Ethan's teacher though this morning and she mentioned she is seeing the same things and although I want the best behavior outside of the home, it made me feel better because I realized that ultimately,I am not doing anything wrong because even his teacher is having some of the same problems we are in the home.
We have an IEP meeting coming up and I am hoping between us and his team at school, we can brainstorm some ideas to help him out. His language is so delayed and I know that does not help...he has so many words but it is just getting everything to connect to say them that is hard for him. I really feel bad because I know it must be hard for him being almost four and having so much to say but having difficulty doing so.
I have no idea the point of this post today...I just started typing and went with it :)
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
It has been a long time since I have posted. We had a very busy summer with visitors and other fun stuff. School started back up the beginning of August and my house is quiet again and I am trying to enjoy it. Another reason I haven't posted is because I have been trying to take a step back from certain things...I have felt a bit negative with my attitude and have felt that at times, I couldn't find many positive things to write or post on Facebook. I was also struggling with feeling not too important in some peoples lives. Facebook is great with being able to stay connected but I was starting to feel like I was in high school again and not very popular. Popularity is not something I strive for but at the same time, it's never fun feeling like not many people are interested in your life. So, I post less in general and try to keep it positive. I don't always succeed but I am trying.
Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.
At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.
I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?
My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.
I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.
Anyway, we are still busy as ever with four kids plus a fifth little one who is still in our care for now. I tell you what, I have learned that foster care is a roller coaster of emotions regardless of who the child is that is in our care. With Ethan, we had a connection with him because it was kinship but now, we are taking in children whom we have no connection to and I honestly didn't expect it to be the same roller coaster of emotions. We have had her for four and a half months now. We have all fallen in love with her and will be sad when she is reunified with her family so for now, we just cherish this time with her.
At the end of the day though, I question whether I am cut out for this. I know we can provide a child in a need a safe and loving home but what I think we can't do is deal with all of the red tape that is foster care. There are many rules. We can get medical and dental care for a child in our care but not sign for surgery. We can get specialty appointments like physical therapy and other therapies but cannot sign for anything education related through the school district. We are not allowed to get a foster child's hair cut regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl and it is ridiculously long without parent permission. While I know there are lots of reasons for these rules, I find myself beyond frustrated at times.
I can see the bigger picture and that some of these decisions truly belong to the parents but what if the parent is not involved? What if the parent is involved, then not involved and then involved again, etc...do you get the idea? Why should the child have to wait for certain things?
My role as a foster parent is an important one I feel. I am taking care of any child in my care like I would care for my own. Ask Steve, I spend too much money on their clothes just like I did with the girls when they were little :) I am up in the middle of the night tending to them. I am getting them to any doctor appointments and visits with their parents. I am doing weekly reports and sending it to everyone on the case. I am documenting everything...medicine, visits with parents, bumps and bruises, etc. I am staying up to date with my foster care license and then on top of all of that, taking care of my other children and everything they have going on in their life.
I am not doing this for any recognition or praise. I am doing this because we have a home to offer to a child in need. I truly love doing this...I just get frustrated because I feel like my hands are tied at times and I don't like feeling helpless. So I just keep pushing for what I feel is right and continuing to love and care for children who come into our home. And I hope that by doing this, I don't upset too many people along the way because while I can ruffle feathers if I need to, I really don't like to.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Yesterday was a big home visit with our resource worker, the assistant for the GAL and the CASA worker for our foster baby. The CASA worker is a volunteer who stays on the case until permanency has been established whether that is reunification with the family or adoption and the GAL is a lawyer who represents the child in state care. Here is Colorado the GAL's have assistants so most of the time that is who comes and does home visits with foster families...although I was told that if the case is a hard one, then the GAL personally comes out for the visits.
Anyway, something that I have been struggling with lately is getting attached to our little one in our care. We talked about this yesterday and I ended up breaking down and felt so, so embarrassed as a result. I do not like letting my guard down like that...if it would have just been our resource worker (who comes out and makes sure we are getting everything done in a timely manner for our foster care license), then it would have been no big deal. I feel like I can let my guard down with her and she won't judge me. Thankfully everyone was very supportive and ultimately told me that they ask foster parents to do the impossible...get attached to a foster child and love them like their own but be prepared to let them go when and if they are able to go home and at the same time be prepared to keep them forever if reunification is not a possibility.
They assured me that foster families who have been doing this for years have this same struggle and for me, that was very helpful to know. I honestly had to wonder if I was really cut out for this because my heart is so in it. They also told me that they would be very concerned if I wasn't feeling the way I have been feeling...because their feeling is if I am not getting attached I am not doing a very good job.
This is a learning experience that's for sure and it's one that I really am trying to just take a day at a time and laugh and cry and realize that it is okay to feel however I am feeling!
Anyway, something that I have been struggling with lately is getting attached to our little one in our care. We talked about this yesterday and I ended up breaking down and felt so, so embarrassed as a result. I do not like letting my guard down like that...if it would have just been our resource worker (who comes out and makes sure we are getting everything done in a timely manner for our foster care license), then it would have been no big deal. I feel like I can let my guard down with her and she won't judge me. Thankfully everyone was very supportive and ultimately told me that they ask foster parents to do the impossible...get attached to a foster child and love them like their own but be prepared to let them go when and if they are able to go home and at the same time be prepared to keep them forever if reunification is not a possibility.
They assured me that foster families who have been doing this for years have this same struggle and for me, that was very helpful to know. I honestly had to wonder if I was really cut out for this because my heart is so in it. They also told me that they would be very concerned if I wasn't feeling the way I have been feeling...because their feeling is if I am not getting attached I am not doing a very good job.
This is a learning experience that's for sure and it's one that I really am trying to just take a day at a time and laugh and cry and realize that it is okay to feel however I am feeling!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
On June 30, Steve and I celebrated 12 years of marriage. I think there have been people in our life who figured we'd never get this far...we knew each other for a year when we got married and had only dated for 2 months when we got engaged.
We met because of my sister and her husband. My brother-in-law was having surgery and I was there visiting the next day and Steve just happened to be there because he was my brother-in-laws supervisor. I was 19 years old when I met him...I had just turned 19 about two months prior. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time but honestly, when I met him, I had a gut feeling that there was something different about him.
We went on one date about a month after we met and because I was so nervous I would only let him take me to McDonald's...great first date place huh? I really liked him but when I realized just how much older he was then me, it scared me because I was 19 and he was 31 and we were in two different places in our lives. I wasn't sure if I was ready for something really serious so taking me to McDonald's seemed like a safe way to ensure the date would fail.
He was really very sweet and I did really like him. My aunt Mary gave me good advice...she was in Alaska at the time because my sister had just had her big wedding and the joke at my sister's wedding was Steve and I should just get married to at the time. My aunt told me to just give it time and not make decisions based off of anything anyone else was telling me and to just listen to my heart. I had a picture of the two of us from my sister's wedding and she said to tuck it away and see how I felt in a few months.
Steve and I kept in touch over the next few months and he deployed to Turkey. At Christmas time I realized that I really did care about him and that I did want to give a relationship a shot with him. I left a voicemail on his phone because it was the only way to get in touch with him since he was gone. I didn't know when I'd hear back from him but that was okay.
I did hear back from him but it wasn't why I expected it to be. A few weeks after Christmas I had found out his parents had passed away. I called him again and left another voicemail. This time I heard back from him because he was now back in the states on emergency leave and had listened to his voicemail. It was so good to talk to him...I only wish it would have been for reasons that were not so sad. We talked regularly and emailed weekly though and continued to do so while he finished his deployment in Turkey.
When he came back, I had just turned 20 and we both decided to give a relationship a shot. It didn't take me long to really realize I had fallen in love with him. About six weeks into our relationship, he went to Washington to see his sister who had just had a baby. He tells me that's when he realized his feelings for me. He came back and after about a couple more weeks of dating we decided to get married. He was getting ready to move to Japan so we had a very small wedding.
Our marriage has been filled with ups and downs and some years have been easier then others but I would not change anything. I am thankful that I have found a friend in Steve and someone who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. Some days I get so frustrated with him and I find it hard to stay mad because he will smile at me and I just forget why I was so upset...I try and fight it but it doesn't work.
He is on the next chapter in his life since retiring from the military and that brings new challenges for our family but I look forward to tackling them together. We are lucky to have made it this far but I look forward to what the next many, many years brings for us :)
We met because of my sister and her husband. My brother-in-law was having surgery and I was there visiting the next day and Steve just happened to be there because he was my brother-in-laws supervisor. I was 19 years old when I met him...I had just turned 19 about two months prior. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time but honestly, when I met him, I had a gut feeling that there was something different about him.
We went on one date about a month after we met and because I was so nervous I would only let him take me to McDonald's...great first date place huh? I really liked him but when I realized just how much older he was then me, it scared me because I was 19 and he was 31 and we were in two different places in our lives. I wasn't sure if I was ready for something really serious so taking me to McDonald's seemed like a safe way to ensure the date would fail.
He was really very sweet and I did really like him. My aunt Mary gave me good advice...she was in Alaska at the time because my sister had just had her big wedding and the joke at my sister's wedding was Steve and I should just get married to at the time. My aunt told me to just give it time and not make decisions based off of anything anyone else was telling me and to just listen to my heart. I had a picture of the two of us from my sister's wedding and she said to tuck it away and see how I felt in a few months.
Steve and I kept in touch over the next few months and he deployed to Turkey. At Christmas time I realized that I really did care about him and that I did want to give a relationship a shot with him. I left a voicemail on his phone because it was the only way to get in touch with him since he was gone. I didn't know when I'd hear back from him but that was okay.
I did hear back from him but it wasn't why I expected it to be. A few weeks after Christmas I had found out his parents had passed away. I called him again and left another voicemail. This time I heard back from him because he was now back in the states on emergency leave and had listened to his voicemail. It was so good to talk to him...I only wish it would have been for reasons that were not so sad. We talked regularly and emailed weekly though and continued to do so while he finished his deployment in Turkey.
When he came back, I had just turned 20 and we both decided to give a relationship a shot. It didn't take me long to really realize I had fallen in love with him. About six weeks into our relationship, he went to Washington to see his sister who had just had a baby. He tells me that's when he realized his feelings for me. He came back and after about a couple more weeks of dating we decided to get married. He was getting ready to move to Japan so we had a very small wedding.
Our marriage has been filled with ups and downs and some years have been easier then others but I would not change anything. I am thankful that I have found a friend in Steve and someone who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. Some days I get so frustrated with him and I find it hard to stay mad because he will smile at me and I just forget why I was so upset...I try and fight it but it doesn't work.
He is on the next chapter in his life since retiring from the military and that brings new challenges for our family but I look forward to tackling them together. We are lucky to have made it this far but I look forward to what the next many, many years brings for us :)
I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this before but it is something I am really struggling with right now. We have a placement right now of an infant. She is the sweetest baby and so easy. I knew when we decided to continue our foster care license that it wouldn't be easy saying goodbye to children placed with us...what I did not realize was just how quickly I would bond with each one.
Our current placement is our fourth placement. Each previous placement last a matter of four-five days because they were reunified with their family or placed in another foster home. Even though we had them for such a short amount of time, I still found it difficult to say goodbye. Our current placement though, we've had for 2 1/2 months. I honestly did not think we'd have her this long and we will more then likely have her for a few more months.
I can't really get into specifics and sometimes that makes it hard too because so much is confidential and I know people ask questions because they are curious and want to be supportive but when we can't answer many questions, I know it must make it a little hard for our support system to feel like they are able to help support us.
I love this little baby though. I try and keep the mindset that she is going home because that is where she belongs but the longer we have her, the harder that mindset is to keep some days. Regardless of how hard this can be, it is very rewarding and I am happy that we can provide a home to a child in need. I think with this placement, I will grieve a little bit more and I need to remind myself that that is completely normal.
Our current placement is our fourth placement. Each previous placement last a matter of four-five days because they were reunified with their family or placed in another foster home. Even though we had them for such a short amount of time, I still found it difficult to say goodbye. Our current placement though, we've had for 2 1/2 months. I honestly did not think we'd have her this long and we will more then likely have her for a few more months.
I can't really get into specifics and sometimes that makes it hard too because so much is confidential and I know people ask questions because they are curious and want to be supportive but when we can't answer many questions, I know it must make it a little hard for our support system to feel like they are able to help support us.
I love this little baby though. I try and keep the mindset that she is going home because that is where she belongs but the longer we have her, the harder that mindset is to keep some days. Regardless of how hard this can be, it is very rewarding and I am happy that we can provide a home to a child in need. I think with this placement, I will grieve a little bit more and I need to remind myself that that is completely normal.
I feel like I haven't been on in a long time...school got out, Steve was gone, we had family visit for two weeks and did respite for another foster family. Finding the time to sit wasn't always easy but life is somewhat back to normal...or as normal as it can be for us anyway :)
I bought school supplies this weekend. It's hard to believe school starts back up in four weeks!! I really feel like it just ended. I will have a 6th, 4th, 3rd grader and a pre-schooler this year. Where does the time go? I know my kids are supposed to grow up but it just happens much faster then I would like it to.
Emilie has had a huge growth spurt over the last year. She is about 1 1/2 inches shorter then me and is thrilled!! She is asking all those tween questions about when she can start to do more grown up things...thankfully none of it is boy related yet!
Natalie, Kodie and Ethan are just as busy as ever. Ethan asks about school all the time...I know he misses that consistency a lot. Everyone is eager for school to start though. I am so thankful that they love school as much as they do!
The girls and I went to the candle store the other day...they were starting to stock the shelves with fall scents. I L-O-V-E fall...it is probably my favorite season of the year. It always feels like it goes too quickly though. Anyway, the girls and I had fun smelling the new scents and picked out a couple that we will use in a couple of months. It's really hard to believe though that it's almost that time of year again where life gets busy with school starting back up and then all of the end of year holidays.
It just really makes me think. Life literally feels like it is flying by sometimes. I am very fortunate for my life and the many blessings in it. I have too many friends going through hard times right now and it just puts so much into perspective. I know life is not always easy for me but I do have a good life.
Hopefully now that life is slowing down a little, I will find more time to sit and type away...there is so much going on in my head that I'd love to share/discuss.
I bought school supplies this weekend. It's hard to believe school starts back up in four weeks!! I really feel like it just ended. I will have a 6th, 4th, 3rd grader and a pre-schooler this year. Where does the time go? I know my kids are supposed to grow up but it just happens much faster then I would like it to.
Emilie has had a huge growth spurt over the last year. She is about 1 1/2 inches shorter then me and is thrilled!! She is asking all those tween questions about when she can start to do more grown up things...thankfully none of it is boy related yet!
Natalie, Kodie and Ethan are just as busy as ever. Ethan asks about school all the time...I know he misses that consistency a lot. Everyone is eager for school to start though. I am so thankful that they love school as much as they do!
The girls and I went to the candle store the other day...they were starting to stock the shelves with fall scents. I L-O-V-E fall...it is probably my favorite season of the year. It always feels like it goes too quickly though. Anyway, the girls and I had fun smelling the new scents and picked out a couple that we will use in a couple of months. It's really hard to believe though that it's almost that time of year again where life gets busy with school starting back up and then all of the end of year holidays.
It just really makes me think. Life literally feels like it is flying by sometimes. I am very fortunate for my life and the many blessings in it. I have too many friends going through hard times right now and it just puts so much into perspective. I know life is not always easy for me but I do have a good life.
Hopefully now that life is slowing down a little, I will find more time to sit and type away...there is so much going on in my head that I'd love to share/discuss.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Homelessness
Today after church, someone who is an outreach worker with Colorado Coalition for the Homeless did a brief talk on the Catholic Social Teaching and how it applies to homelessness. He also spoke about the recent bill that passed here in Denver that basically criminalizes homelessness...if you ask the mayor he would disagree with that statement. He does not feel that by giving a homeless person a ticket or putting them in jail for sleeping on the street would be criminalizing the homeless...I just happen to disagree with him.
Anyway, it was a great talk and interesting to listen to. I believe those that know me know how important this topic is to me. There was discussion about whether our church could open its doors at night and offer a bed or give relief to other churches that might offer a bed to the homeless.
One thing that has surprised me about foster care is how many children taken into care have a parent or parents that are homeless or on the brink of homelessness. Once their children are taken into care, it's hard to get them back. While I understand there are various reasons for this, I find it very sad that a child can be homeless living in a homeless shelter but the state will not take said child from the parents but once the child is brought into state care, the parent needs housing and that cannot be a homeless shelter.
I hope one day to be able to volunteer time at a soup kitchen or shelter...or maybe even be an outreach worker. I just know how easy it is for anyone of us to be that close to being homeless...some more then others.
Anyway, it was a great talk and interesting to listen to. I believe those that know me know how important this topic is to me. There was discussion about whether our church could open its doors at night and offer a bed or give relief to other churches that might offer a bed to the homeless.
One thing that has surprised me about foster care is how many children taken into care have a parent or parents that are homeless or on the brink of homelessness. Once their children are taken into care, it's hard to get them back. While I understand there are various reasons for this, I find it very sad that a child can be homeless living in a homeless shelter but the state will not take said child from the parents but once the child is brought into state care, the parent needs housing and that cannot be a homeless shelter.
I hope one day to be able to volunteer time at a soup kitchen or shelter...or maybe even be an outreach worker. I just know how easy it is for anyone of us to be that close to being homeless...some more then others.
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