Do you know what your life path is? I am in my thirties and I have absolutely no idea what my path is. I am a mother and wife and that is part of my path but I feel like there is something missing and I'm not quite sure what it is. Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine my life without my husband and kids...I just feel like something is missing.
As a teenager, I wanted to be many things...a doctor, nurse, lawyer, teacher, President of the United States, social worker, and a nun-I had big dreams for myself as you can see :) I graduated from high school and felt very overwhelmed. I have been out of high school now for eighteen years and I still don't know what I want for my life.
When we moved to Colorado we became foster parents. We fostered for four years. We went from three children to six children (I should mention this isn't typical for most foster parents) and knew that that path was closing for us and fostering wasn't what was right for our family anymore. I have felt a tremendous loss in the last year from that chapter closing. I thought my family would foster for quite a few years. I wish we could have made a bigger impact than we made.
I felt like once our home was closed, we were of no use to our agency anymore. I feel like I could be helpful to other foster families still even though my journey was short. I do feel like my path will lead me back to the world of foster care at some point but I'm not sure how yet.
I reflect on all of this from time to time, partly because my oldest is in high school and we talk about things of interest to her and her aspirations for her future. I can see it in her eyes that she is like I was and is unsure what she wants to do. I have seen how overwhelming it is for her because she has friends who have a very clear vision of what they want. I have tried to encourage her and remind her that at her age, she doesn't have to have it all figured out yet.
Does anyone else wonder what their purpose is or feel like they are just plugging along day by day? I surely can't be the only one, right?
Monday, June 20, 2016
Friday, May 27, 2016
End of year awards
With the end of the end of each school year, schools have award ceremonies to honor students who have grown leaps and bounds with their academic growth and also to honor students who are role models for their peers. If you have more than one child in school, this can lead to disappointed siblings.
For me, I know that is the case. I have five children in school...next year I will have six. This past week my children held their annual awards ceremony and two of my children were honored. This left one of my other children feeling sad and disappointed. You see, at this annual awards ceremony students receive the holy grail of awards...a medal that they can wear along with a certificate. This medal is what I feel every student wants to receive.
My children's school held award ceremonies each quarter to recognize each student but certificates were the only thing that were handed out. My daughter who felt left out the other night received a certificate three times this year and I know it made her feel proud of herself but watching her siblings receive a medal left her feeling sad.
We discussed being humble and appreciative that she was recognized at all this year because I can guarantee there are students who went all year with no recognition for their hard work. We discussed how we need to be happy for others and congratulate them but when your child is in the midst of their teenage years, it can be hard to look beyond oneself.
At the awards ceremony, some of our fabulous parents also received an award. They were all called up to the stage and our principal recognized them. My kids all looked at me and exclaimed, "I bet you are going to receive an award"! I shook my head and told them that wouldn't be the case. They didn't believe me. My son told me I should because I help him and other kids and also feed him :) That part made me smile.
I tried to use this as a learning experience for my daughter so she could see that even parents aren't always recognized. I am thrilled for the parents who were recognized...they do so much for our school and my kids benefit from that. I couldn't ask for better parents to work with when I am at the school.
I don't help for recognition...it honestly makes me uncomfortable to receive thanks. But I will say the evening of the awards ceremony and the next morning, I did receive some thanks from my kids teachers. I had wrote some of them letters of thanks and hand delivered them and each teacher approached me with tears in their eyes and hugged me. That was the best thanks I could ever receive. I wanted to thank them because they are unsung heroes but in the end, they wanted to thank me. That will stay with me for a very long time.
For me, I know that is the case. I have five children in school...next year I will have six. This past week my children held their annual awards ceremony and two of my children were honored. This left one of my other children feeling sad and disappointed. You see, at this annual awards ceremony students receive the holy grail of awards...a medal that they can wear along with a certificate. This medal is what I feel every student wants to receive.
My children's school held award ceremonies each quarter to recognize each student but certificates were the only thing that were handed out. My daughter who felt left out the other night received a certificate three times this year and I know it made her feel proud of herself but watching her siblings receive a medal left her feeling sad.
We discussed being humble and appreciative that she was recognized at all this year because I can guarantee there are students who went all year with no recognition for their hard work. We discussed how we need to be happy for others and congratulate them but when your child is in the midst of their teenage years, it can be hard to look beyond oneself.
At the awards ceremony, some of our fabulous parents also received an award. They were all called up to the stage and our principal recognized them. My kids all looked at me and exclaimed, "I bet you are going to receive an award"! I shook my head and told them that wouldn't be the case. They didn't believe me. My son told me I should because I help him and other kids and also feed him :) That part made me smile.
I tried to use this as a learning experience for my daughter so she could see that even parents aren't always recognized. I am thrilled for the parents who were recognized...they do so much for our school and my kids benefit from that. I couldn't ask for better parents to work with when I am at the school.
I don't help for recognition...it honestly makes me uncomfortable to receive thanks. But I will say the evening of the awards ceremony and the next morning, I did receive some thanks from my kids teachers. I had wrote some of them letters of thanks and hand delivered them and each teacher approached me with tears in their eyes and hugged me. That was the best thanks I could ever receive. I wanted to thank them because they are unsung heroes but in the end, they wanted to thank me. That will stay with me for a very long time.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
And Another School Year Comes To An End...
I am not good at goodbyes and as another school year comes to an end, I find myself having to say goodbye to some amazing teachers whom my kids have had the distinct privilege of being taught by. Some I have known since my kids started attending our local neighborhood school and others I have met only this year. Regardless of how long I have known them, each and everyone of them have be instrumental in my children's growth.
My kids found their voices this year and I firmly believe that was because of their teachers. Without their teachers support, I'm not sure that would have happened so early in their lives. My hope is that they will use their voices throughout their school years and life.
Academically my kids have come a long way. For my son, he is now grade level in reading and he began the year a year behind. Without the support of his team, I don't know if that would have happened. I have watched him grow emotionally and become more secure in himself and that has been such an amazing thing to witness!
My oldest will be ending her freshman year soon and I think now she realizes just how quickly each year flies by. Reality is setting in for her. In three short years, her life will take a new path and I am so excited for her...and sad because I am not quite ready for it.
This year has been quite unique. I'm not honestly sure how to put it into words...I can only describe it as eye-opening, disappointing, and a great year all at the same time. I have never been more ready for summer but this year I am. I am hoping that summer will help bring me clarity and motivation to prepare for a new school year in the fall.
My hope ultimately is that I can build new working relationships with the new teachers next year and support them. Teachers have a very difficult job and until this year, I never realized just how hard it was. I am so thankful for teachers!!
My kids found their voices this year and I firmly believe that was because of their teachers. Without their teachers support, I'm not sure that would have happened so early in their lives. My hope is that they will use their voices throughout their school years and life.
Academically my kids have come a long way. For my son, he is now grade level in reading and he began the year a year behind. Without the support of his team, I don't know if that would have happened. I have watched him grow emotionally and become more secure in himself and that has been such an amazing thing to witness!
My oldest will be ending her freshman year soon and I think now she realizes just how quickly each year flies by. Reality is setting in for her. In three short years, her life will take a new path and I am so excited for her...and sad because I am not quite ready for it.
This year has been quite unique. I'm not honestly sure how to put it into words...I can only describe it as eye-opening, disappointing, and a great year all at the same time. I have never been more ready for summer but this year I am. I am hoping that summer will help bring me clarity and motivation to prepare for a new school year in the fall.
My hope ultimately is that I can build new working relationships with the new teachers next year and support them. Teachers have a very difficult job and until this year, I never realized just how hard it was. I am so thankful for teachers!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Loss
I know what you are thinking...loss, hasn't she talked about this a lot lately? I have. The loss of my dad was tough but I have been feeling the loss of something else and struggling with it for quite awhile
We have open adoptions with our adopted children's birth parents. What the open adoption looks like is different with all of them because of different reasons. I had a vision of what this would look like and it hasn't really panned out the way I was hoping. I have felt like I have failed somehow because of this. I feel like I haven't reached out enough, that I am not open enough or maybe even that I don't care enough. Although my head knows this is all not true, my heart struggles with it.
Right now we don't have much contact with some of the birth parents in our kiddos life. I am sure there are a variety of reasons why we don't hear from some of them. I don't know what it is like to be in their shoes. To have lost custody of your child. To not be raising your child, watching them grow and learn and become wonderful little people who will become wonderful adults. To be watching them being raised by someone else. My heart breaks for them because I truly cannot imagine how they are handling their loss.
But while I struggle with my sadness for their loss, I also struggle for my children's loss. They lost their birth parent for reasons that are hard to understand. They may have gained my family as their own but they still have a loss that they will have to grieve as they get older. They are all too young right now to understand the complexity of their family dynamics. We have photos of them with their birth parents in their rooms. We look at these photos every day. My hope is this will help them know that their story is a wonderful story and they have many, many people who love them.
I think the impact of losing my dad has left me feeling loss even stronger than I normally would. I don't understand why we have lost contact with some of the birth parents. I look at my children and my heart if filled with joy and I wonder who wouldn't want to have that opportunity to be around them? I feel like any contact, however minimal it might be for the time being as we establish boundaries and establish our family, that any contact would be wanted.
I feel the need to protect my babies from having people in and out of their life as they grow up. This world can be very disappointing and I feel like this is one thing I can control for them...by not allowing people in and out of their lives.
At the end of the day, I am not judging...I just feel sad. This is not what I envisioned. I hope one day soon, things will turn around but for now, I just have to keep on protecting my babies.
We have open adoptions with our adopted children's birth parents. What the open adoption looks like is different with all of them because of different reasons. I had a vision of what this would look like and it hasn't really panned out the way I was hoping. I have felt like I have failed somehow because of this. I feel like I haven't reached out enough, that I am not open enough or maybe even that I don't care enough. Although my head knows this is all not true, my heart struggles with it.
Right now we don't have much contact with some of the birth parents in our kiddos life. I am sure there are a variety of reasons why we don't hear from some of them. I don't know what it is like to be in their shoes. To have lost custody of your child. To not be raising your child, watching them grow and learn and become wonderful little people who will become wonderful adults. To be watching them being raised by someone else. My heart breaks for them because I truly cannot imagine how they are handling their loss.
But while I struggle with my sadness for their loss, I also struggle for my children's loss. They lost their birth parent for reasons that are hard to understand. They may have gained my family as their own but they still have a loss that they will have to grieve as they get older. They are all too young right now to understand the complexity of their family dynamics. We have photos of them with their birth parents in their rooms. We look at these photos every day. My hope is this will help them know that their story is a wonderful story and they have many, many people who love them.
I think the impact of losing my dad has left me feeling loss even stronger than I normally would. I don't understand why we have lost contact with some of the birth parents. I look at my children and my heart if filled with joy and I wonder who wouldn't want to have that opportunity to be around them? I feel like any contact, however minimal it might be for the time being as we establish boundaries and establish our family, that any contact would be wanted.
I feel the need to protect my babies from having people in and out of their life as they grow up. This world can be very disappointing and I feel like this is one thing I can control for them...by not allowing people in and out of their lives.
At the end of the day, I am not judging...I just feel sad. This is not what I envisioned. I hope one day soon, things will turn around but for now, I just have to keep on protecting my babies.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
A new year and it's flying by
A lot has happened since the last time I logged on here. We have adopted a little boy from foster care. We now have six children (three of whom are adopted). The day after we finalized our adoption, we officially closed our home as a foster home. It is a very strange feeling to no longer have anyone needing to come to my home and inspect it or check-up on any kiddos in our home. I will admit I cried the first day when I realized we were done and now I feel at peace. I was and still am disappointed that we could foster for four years, adopt three children, have 12 children in our home and be given no thanks at all for our service. I didn't foster for the gratitude but at the same time, it would have felt nice to feel like our agency had appreciated what we had done. A simple note of thanks would have meant the world to me.
We registered our oldest daughter for her high school classes. I am not sure where the time has gone and have no clue how she can fourteen already! She is excited and nervous...and so am I!! I know how quickly these next few years will go and it saddens me to know she won't be at home much longer...saddens me for me because I will miss seeing her everyday :)
I also marked two years since my dad's passing. I think out of everything, that's the hardest for me to wrap my head around. It feels like yesterday that he passed away. I miss him. I miss calling my mom and talking to her only to realize that my dad is listening in on the conversation :) I feel like I see signs of him letting me know he is still with me...is that crazy?!?
I have been struggling a lot lately with some different emotions. I will leave that for another post and it won't take too long to get that written. It's a bit more personal and I'm trying to find the best way to discuss it openly.
We registered our oldest daughter for her high school classes. I am not sure where the time has gone and have no clue how she can fourteen already! She is excited and nervous...and so am I!! I know how quickly these next few years will go and it saddens me to know she won't be at home much longer...saddens me for me because I will miss seeing her everyday :)
I also marked two years since my dad's passing. I think out of everything, that's the hardest for me to wrap my head around. It feels like yesterday that he passed away. I miss him. I miss calling my mom and talking to her only to realize that my dad is listening in on the conversation :) I feel like I see signs of him letting me know he is still with me...is that crazy?!?
I have been struggling a lot lately with some different emotions. I will leave that for another post and it won't take too long to get that written. It's a bit more personal and I'm trying to find the best way to discuss it openly.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Loss
It has been forever since I have logged on and written anything. I have had times where I have felt the urge to let me finger type away at the keys on my laptop but haven't managed to find the motivation to actually allow that process to happen.
It's been 20 months since my dad passed away. I am feeling the loss from his passing more and more. Honestly, it probably doesn't help that as October is coming to an end, I know what is upon me...the holidays and the end of another year with him gone. I know with time, it will get easier because that's what I've been told and I have days where I'm okay and then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I shouldn't be happy just quite yet.
I feel the loss from friendships. A few of my friendships over the course of losing my dad faded away. Sure we check-in on occasion...and when I say occasion, I mean every few months and that's hard when I used to be able to talk to them more regularly and have their support. I realize though that as we get older, friendships change but it doesn't make that loss and less harder to work through.
I am feeling the loss of my sister not living one state over...this probably seems silly but since I got married 14 years ago, I have lived on other continents away from my family so when we moved to Germany, I was so excited that I had a family member one state over and it gave me a sense of comfort knowing she wasn't that far away. Now she is across the pond on an adventure of her own and while I am excited for her and love see their photos of their fun new life, I still feel sad for me.
In just a few short weeks, I will become an aunt again and I am excited but it makes me wish we were closer to Alaska so I could be more involved and help out...although maybe my youngest sis is okay with not having all of her family close by to help her out :)
I guess we all feel loss over the course of our lives, don't we? We all handle it differently and for some it is more challenging than it is for others. I know that this too shall pass but today I am just allowing myself to feel more freely because I tend to just bottle it up and keep pushing on.
It's been 20 months since my dad passed away. I am feeling the loss from his passing more and more. Honestly, it probably doesn't help that as October is coming to an end, I know what is upon me...the holidays and the end of another year with him gone. I know with time, it will get easier because that's what I've been told and I have days where I'm okay and then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I shouldn't be happy just quite yet.
I feel the loss from friendships. A few of my friendships over the course of losing my dad faded away. Sure we check-in on occasion...and when I say occasion, I mean every few months and that's hard when I used to be able to talk to them more regularly and have their support. I realize though that as we get older, friendships change but it doesn't make that loss and less harder to work through.
I am feeling the loss of my sister not living one state over...this probably seems silly but since I got married 14 years ago, I have lived on other continents away from my family so when we moved to Germany, I was so excited that I had a family member one state over and it gave me a sense of comfort knowing she wasn't that far away. Now she is across the pond on an adventure of her own and while I am excited for her and love see their photos of their fun new life, I still feel sad for me.
In just a few short weeks, I will become an aunt again and I am excited but it makes me wish we were closer to Alaska so I could be more involved and help out...although maybe my youngest sis is okay with not having all of her family close by to help her out :)
I guess we all feel loss over the course of our lives, don't we? We all handle it differently and for some it is more challenging than it is for others. I know that this too shall pass but today I am just allowing myself to feel more freely because I tend to just bottle it up and keep pushing on.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Realizations
I haven't logged on in awhile. I find it harder to do these days. We have a new foster baby so that puts us at six kids. I think we are finally in a routine again after two month with the newest addition. New placements always bring lots of appointments, visits with caseworkers and birth families. He is such a happy baby and Ethan is loving having a boy in the house...even if it's a baby boy :)
Another reason I have been absent from the virtual world of blogging is I've been trying to figure so many different things out. My family life, my friendships and just my personal life in general. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing came and went. It was harder than I expected it to be but I don't think we can ever be prepared for how to handle the loss of a loved one.
I am realizing that this second year is going to be harder for me. I was numb pretty much for the first six months after his passing and then it hit me...my dad is gone. I know he's with me though in spirit. I used to have dreams about him and they always felt so real. I haven't had a dream about my dad though in quite some time. I've been angry and sad and just feeling his passing much more easily. I have realized that every movie out there is probably going to make me cry now...then again, most of the movies I see lately deal with death (and when I go to see them, I am unaware that this will be touched on during the movie).
My friendships with certain friends have changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. I miss these friends truly but the friendship has changed and I hear from them very rarely and that is hard. It made my dad's passing very hard because I didn't have them to help me through it. I was disappointed in them because it was hard for me to not feel like I was alone. I had friends who I was hoping would be there for me because they also have lost a parent and they were not there for me.
I now realize that I need to really put myself first. I cannot depend on others to help make me happy...that can only happen if I make myself a priority. I will be there for my friends but I have reached a point where if I don't hear from them, I'm okay with that but I'm not going to reach out to them when the relationship is only one-sided.
If this upsets anyone, I do apologize. I am thankful for those that have been there for me. I hope to be there for you also when you need a friend...but in the end, I am still grieving and struggling and need to put me first for a little while.
Another reason I have been absent from the virtual world of blogging is I've been trying to figure so many different things out. My family life, my friendships and just my personal life in general. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing came and went. It was harder than I expected it to be but I don't think we can ever be prepared for how to handle the loss of a loved one.
I am realizing that this second year is going to be harder for me. I was numb pretty much for the first six months after his passing and then it hit me...my dad is gone. I know he's with me though in spirit. I used to have dreams about him and they always felt so real. I haven't had a dream about my dad though in quite some time. I've been angry and sad and just feeling his passing much more easily. I have realized that every movie out there is probably going to make me cry now...then again, most of the movies I see lately deal with death (and when I go to see them, I am unaware that this will be touched on during the movie).
My friendships with certain friends have changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. I miss these friends truly but the friendship has changed and I hear from them very rarely and that is hard. It made my dad's passing very hard because I didn't have them to help me through it. I was disappointed in them because it was hard for me to not feel like I was alone. I had friends who I was hoping would be there for me because they also have lost a parent and they were not there for me.
I now realize that I need to really put myself first. I cannot depend on others to help make me happy...that can only happen if I make myself a priority. I will be there for my friends but I have reached a point where if I don't hear from them, I'm okay with that but I'm not going to reach out to them when the relationship is only one-sided.
If this upsets anyone, I do apologize. I am thankful for those that have been there for me. I hope to be there for you also when you need a friend...but in the end, I am still grieving and struggling and need to put me first for a little while.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Time to start a normal routine again...
School is back in session for my kids. They went back today and Ethan will start back tomorrow morning. I have truly LOVED having them home the last couple of weeks!
We went to Tucson, stayed warm inside our home on the cold days while baking, watching movies and reading lots of books. I know they were super excited to go back to school this morning but I sure do miss them during the day.
So in anticipation of them going back to school, I have been finding little projects that can keep me busy during the week…besides hanging out with Addie all day and Ethan in the afternoon :)
Pinterest has become a fun place for me to find fun things to do and I pin A LOT…but very rarely ever do anything with the pins. BUT, I plan on doing a few here soon and can't wait! I am excited to make my own body scrubs, lotions and cleaners.
Here are a few of the recipes I want to try out:
Whipped Body Butter
Deep Hair Conditioner
Lip Scrub
Next week we will have a visit with our resource worker to start discussing our re-certification and opening back up for placements. Recently, I was talking to someone who works with Addie and I realized, foster care is my social life…is that sad to admit?? A lot of people don't really understand my life and that's okay but the caseworkers, CASA workers and GALs (while they may not understand my life if they have not been a foster parent) they do understand to some degree and I can talk to them openly and that helps.
I remember my last visit with each person on Addie's case and I felt sad after they left. I really enjoyed their visits…I am probably one of the very few foster parents who look forward to those visits!! :) I am excited about new placements in the very near future.
We spent time as a family and it just being us but I have that itch now and am feeling like it's time for us to help another child.
We went to Tucson, stayed warm inside our home on the cold days while baking, watching movies and reading lots of books. I know they were super excited to go back to school this morning but I sure do miss them during the day.
So in anticipation of them going back to school, I have been finding little projects that can keep me busy during the week…besides hanging out with Addie all day and Ethan in the afternoon :)
Pinterest has become a fun place for me to find fun things to do and I pin A LOT…but very rarely ever do anything with the pins. BUT, I plan on doing a few here soon and can't wait! I am excited to make my own body scrubs, lotions and cleaners.
Here are a few of the recipes I want to try out:
Whipped Body Butter
Deep Hair Conditioner
Lip Scrub
Next week we will have a visit with our resource worker to start discussing our re-certification and opening back up for placements. Recently, I was talking to someone who works with Addie and I realized, foster care is my social life…is that sad to admit?? A lot of people don't really understand my life and that's okay but the caseworkers, CASA workers and GALs (while they may not understand my life if they have not been a foster parent) they do understand to some degree and I can talk to them openly and that helps.
I remember my last visit with each person on Addie's case and I felt sad after they left. I really enjoyed their visits…I am probably one of the very few foster parents who look forward to those visits!! :) I am excited about new placements in the very near future.
We spent time as a family and it just being us but I have that itch now and am feeling like it's time for us to help another child.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year, New Outlook On Life
I have taken some time off from email, Facebook and my home business over the Holidays. I needed time to regroup…I am feeling a little more ready to dive back in.
Winter break is coming to an end here. The girls go back Wednesday and Ethan goes back Thursday…I have enjoyed having them home. We've read, watched movies, baked, took a family trip and did lots of cleaning/organizing. We were asked to do respite for a day for a family but it fell through…it got the itch to dig even deeper to open our home back up for foster care placements :)
I have started the New Year with resolutions of trying to be more present in my kids life and having more patience with them, too. I feel like I have lost some really great friends since my dad died and want to reconnect with them but ultimately am at a point in my life where I am tired of things being one-sided and having to put the work in to talk with them…so I am moving on at this point. I spent last year sad that I would check-in with others and never hear from them. I have realized I need to make myself and my family a priority and can't obsess about lost friendships anymore.
Last year was hard for so many different reasons. One thing that was really hard was being judged for my parenting or apparently lack of parenting in some people's opinions. I don't always feel like the most confident parent but I love my kids and do my best…some days it's not my best but I always try to start the next day over and do better and I ALWAYS admit to them when I have made a mistake and apologize. It is not easy being a parent. I have decided that if you do not live in my home and live my life 24-7, you have no right to judge how I parent. I will make plenty of mistakes and I will own up to them but I do not need to be judged.
I am growing up and no longer a kid anymore. I am in my 30's and feeling more confident in standing up for myself and making my voice heard. If that offends anyone, I will not apologize for it because I just cannot continue to keep quiet, walk on eggshells and hope not to offend anyone.
I have lost my way with my Faith and have been praying a lot to try and find my way back. After leaving Germany and my church family there, I have not found that place where I feel like I belong again. I know the church there has changed and everyone that I was friends with there has moved on with new chapters in their lives but I wish I could find that again. I know I will.
It is a New year again. Each year seems to go by more quickly and I have many hopes and goals for this year. I am truly looking forward to 2014!!!
Winter break is coming to an end here. The girls go back Wednesday and Ethan goes back Thursday…I have enjoyed having them home. We've read, watched movies, baked, took a family trip and did lots of cleaning/organizing. We were asked to do respite for a day for a family but it fell through…it got the itch to dig even deeper to open our home back up for foster care placements :)
I have started the New Year with resolutions of trying to be more present in my kids life and having more patience with them, too. I feel like I have lost some really great friends since my dad died and want to reconnect with them but ultimately am at a point in my life where I am tired of things being one-sided and having to put the work in to talk with them…so I am moving on at this point. I spent last year sad that I would check-in with others and never hear from them. I have realized I need to make myself and my family a priority and can't obsess about lost friendships anymore.
Last year was hard for so many different reasons. One thing that was really hard was being judged for my parenting or apparently lack of parenting in some people's opinions. I don't always feel like the most confident parent but I love my kids and do my best…some days it's not my best but I always try to start the next day over and do better and I ALWAYS admit to them when I have made a mistake and apologize. It is not easy being a parent. I have decided that if you do not live in my home and live my life 24-7, you have no right to judge how I parent. I will make plenty of mistakes and I will own up to them but I do not need to be judged.
I am growing up and no longer a kid anymore. I am in my 30's and feeling more confident in standing up for myself and making my voice heard. If that offends anyone, I will not apologize for it because I just cannot continue to keep quiet, walk on eggshells and hope not to offend anyone.
I have lost my way with my Faith and have been praying a lot to try and find my way back. After leaving Germany and my church family there, I have not found that place where I feel like I belong again. I know the church there has changed and everyone that I was friends with there has moved on with new chapters in their lives but I wish I could find that again. I know I will.
It is a New year again. Each year seems to go by more quickly and I have many hopes and goals for this year. I am truly looking forward to 2014!!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Another year comes to an end...
It is so hard to believe that 2013 is coming to and end. When I take a look back at my posts for this year, they have definitely varied a lot from the first of the year. I started the year determined to blog daily about orphans overseas. I blogged about my dad's battle with colon cancer that took his life way too quickly. I had posts about my kids and our new addition…and some I'd rather forget about my struggles with losing my dad.
There could have been many more posts. This year has been challenging for me on many different levels. There have been many blessings, too and I am trying to just focus on that. I am hopeful that in the New Year I will blog more and that my posts will be more positive and that 2014 in general will be easier.
I am looking forward to doing some more traveling…I have plans already and am hoping to take the kids to Mount Rushmore since we've never been :) I will have a teenager in the New Year (which just does not seem possible honestly).
We will also open our home back up to other foster care placements. I remember when our licensing worker told me we'd have to take a couple of months off after we finalized and I thought, "Why would I need to do that??"…but in all honesty, I am glad. We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving and Tucson for Christmas. We haven't taken many trips since we began fostering and certainly none that had us out of Colorado for more than a weekend. So this break gave us an opportunity to see family and take off for a week at a time.
I am thankful, truly for this year…it's a year I'd rather forget but I have also learned a little bit more about myself. I am looking forward to a new year though and to see where this adventure of life takes me!
There could have been many more posts. This year has been challenging for me on many different levels. There have been many blessings, too and I am trying to just focus on that. I am hopeful that in the New Year I will blog more and that my posts will be more positive and that 2014 in general will be easier.
I am looking forward to doing some more traveling…I have plans already and am hoping to take the kids to Mount Rushmore since we've never been :) I will have a teenager in the New Year (which just does not seem possible honestly).
We will also open our home back up to other foster care placements. I remember when our licensing worker told me we'd have to take a couple of months off after we finalized and I thought, "Why would I need to do that??"…but in all honesty, I am glad. We went to Seattle for Thanksgiving and Tucson for Christmas. We haven't taken many trips since we began fostering and certainly none that had us out of Colorado for more than a weekend. So this break gave us an opportunity to see family and take off for a week at a time.
I am thankful, truly for this year…it's a year I'd rather forget but I have also learned a little bit more about myself. I am looking forward to a new year though and to see where this adventure of life takes me!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Grieving
It has been almost 1 year since I received the call from my mom that my dad was in the hospital and that it appeared he had cancer. I am finally feeling ready to talk about this and write about this…even though it doesn't honestly feel totally real.
December 7, 2012 my family and I had just had our family photos taken. We were on our way home when the phone rang. I answered and never could have imagined what was about to unfold. I knew something was wrong from the tone in my mom's voice. I remember thinking it was a big joke. I remember trying not to get upset because my kids were in the back of the car. I remember talking to my siblings on the phone and none of us really quite knew what to say or how to react.
We weren't just told he had cancer. We were told that it was very serious and didn't look good. My dad had been seen in the ER in August…the 13th to be exact. I found paperwork months later that had been in his truck with the date from that visit.
What unfolded over those next 2 months and 6 days was hard. My dad was in the hospital for a few days but ended up back in the hospital shortly thereafter. The hospital ultimately told him there was nothing they could do for him and wanted to start Hospice. He was given one option though to go to Oregon and he took it. He and my mom spent a few weeks in Oregon where they were able to confirm he had Colon Cancer and it was Stage 4. He had to have his Colon resected.
I flew to Oregon a couple of days after Christmas. I missed my original flight but was able to get on another one later in the day. My mom picked me up at the airport and we went to the hospital to get my dad and Aunt Mary because my dad was being discharged and released to a hotel. He needed to get stronger in order to go home to Alaska. I will never forget seeing my dad for the first time. He had aged at least 20 years.
It was hard being in Oregon. It was hard seeing my dad like that. There were still flickers of his grumpy personality that would pop out. He snapped at me a few times and it was really hard to not take it personally. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying wondering why I was there. I remember thinking it would be better to not have my last memories of my dad mad at me. Considering the outcome for my dad, I am forever grateful and thankful that I was able to be there with him and my mom.
On New Year's Eve, I headed home to Colorado to be with my kids and Steve. That was the hardest goodbye I have ever had. I knew that is was the last time I would ever be able to hug my dad again and talk to him in person. How do you get on a plane knowing you will never see someone again??? I cried in the airport. I cried through security…and I cried even more when my shirt set of the detector and had to be patted down. Thankfully my flight back was in First Class so I felt like I could blend in a little bit more easily.
My parents, after a lot of fighting and prayer, got back home to Alaska in January. My dad was hoping to do chemo. I remember talking to my mom on the phone about this. I remember thinking why he would do chemo and felt guilty for letting those thoughts cross my mind. My gut knew it would not help him. He was dying and very close to it. The day he was supposed to go in to begin chemo (and I question whether that was why he was going to the hospital that day), he couldn't get down the stairs in my parents house. Ultimately he made the decision not to do chemo.
That phone call was hard. Although I knew deep down chemo really wasn't an option, the second he really wasn't going to do it was very hard. For me it meant the end of fighting. I know he made the right decision. Chemo would have ravaged his body more than it already had.
My sister and brother flew to Alaska 1 week before my dad passed away. I remember seeing photos that were posted of my dad and talking to my mom about how he was doing. He was holding on for them to get to Alaska but when they left to go home, I imagine he felt like he could let go because Tuesday he rapidly started to deteriorate. I messaged my mom a lot. I booked my ticket to leave for Alaska but knew I could not get home in time to be with him.
I was not sleeping well. I routinely woke up each night at the same time…3 am. I woke up Wednesday morning and could not go back to sleep. I went out to the living room and got on the computer and watched tv. I messaged my mom at some point and she was telling me what his O2 levels were. After having our daughter on oxygen, I learned quickly about when oxygen is needed.
We messaged back and forth and then my kids got up. I proceeded to check messages and help them with breakfast. I yelled at Natalie that morning. I was so angry about what was happening. As I was yelling, something came over me and I became calm. Little did I know that my dad was very close to leaving this world while this was going on in my home.
I left the house to get everyone off to school and to take Natalie and Kodie to the orthodontist. I had just left the school when my phone rang. It was my mom's friend calling to tell me my dad had just passed away. I drove to the orthodontist and got the girls checked in. I called Steve and texted a couple of my friends and told them. I was in shock. My dad's death did not hit me right away. It was the day before Valentine's day. We gave our kids their gifts and I packed for an early Thursday morning departure.
I arrived to Anchorage about the same time as my sister coming from Utah and one of my dad's coworkers picked us up. I remember arriving to my parent's house. It felt strange being there and more strange not having my dad there…but it did not feel real.
I remember getting ready for the visitation. I didn't know if I would go in and see him one last time or not. I went in with my sister and I broke down for the first time seeing him laying in the coffin. He did not look like the dad I knew growing up. As the visitation came to a close, I remember telling my mom it felt wrong to leave him there. I know that his soul was not in his body but it felt wrong to leave him.
The day of his funeral, I was a mess. We had arrived to the church and I was sitting there and saw a car pull up. I thought it was the hurst…it was not but it triggered something in me and the tears began. The Color Guard (I think that's the name) arrived and decisions were being made. I cried as they brought my dad in. They were so careful and did a beautiful job but it was so sad to see. I remember watching my dad's coworkers arrive to the church. I watched them approach his casket one last time so they could say their goodbyes. I remember being in awe of how many people arrived. My dad touched many people's lives and I had no idea just how important he was to others.
I spent time in Alaska helping my mom with things for about a week. Each night we talked about strange it felt. It felt like something/someone was missing. The house had an eery quietness about it.
It has been almost 10 months since his passing. My parent's anniversary, father's day, my dad's birthday, and Thanksgiving have all come and gone. Christmas is approaching and I do not feel like celebrating or decorating. We will decorate because I am doing it for my kids. We are headed to Tucson to see my mom for Christmas this year. I can't imagine a better way to spend it for the first Christmas without my dad.
I am struggling. I have days where I am okay but I have many days where I am sad and miss my dad. I am starting to realize this is real even though it doesn't feel real at the same time. I am starting to realize that a grief group is probably a good idea. I need to talk about this but I know people are probably tired of hearing about it. I know everyone has moved on that wasn't directly impacted by this and I understand that…but I am not ready to move on.
I know it will get easier somehow but I think I will always be grieving in some way.
December 7, 2012 my family and I had just had our family photos taken. We were on our way home when the phone rang. I answered and never could have imagined what was about to unfold. I knew something was wrong from the tone in my mom's voice. I remember thinking it was a big joke. I remember trying not to get upset because my kids were in the back of the car. I remember talking to my siblings on the phone and none of us really quite knew what to say or how to react.
We weren't just told he had cancer. We were told that it was very serious and didn't look good. My dad had been seen in the ER in August…the 13th to be exact. I found paperwork months later that had been in his truck with the date from that visit.
What unfolded over those next 2 months and 6 days was hard. My dad was in the hospital for a few days but ended up back in the hospital shortly thereafter. The hospital ultimately told him there was nothing they could do for him and wanted to start Hospice. He was given one option though to go to Oregon and he took it. He and my mom spent a few weeks in Oregon where they were able to confirm he had Colon Cancer and it was Stage 4. He had to have his Colon resected.
I flew to Oregon a couple of days after Christmas. I missed my original flight but was able to get on another one later in the day. My mom picked me up at the airport and we went to the hospital to get my dad and Aunt Mary because my dad was being discharged and released to a hotel. He needed to get stronger in order to go home to Alaska. I will never forget seeing my dad for the first time. He had aged at least 20 years.
It was hard being in Oregon. It was hard seeing my dad like that. There were still flickers of his grumpy personality that would pop out. He snapped at me a few times and it was really hard to not take it personally. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying wondering why I was there. I remember thinking it would be better to not have my last memories of my dad mad at me. Considering the outcome for my dad, I am forever grateful and thankful that I was able to be there with him and my mom.
On New Year's Eve, I headed home to Colorado to be with my kids and Steve. That was the hardest goodbye I have ever had. I knew that is was the last time I would ever be able to hug my dad again and talk to him in person. How do you get on a plane knowing you will never see someone again??? I cried in the airport. I cried through security…and I cried even more when my shirt set of the detector and had to be patted down. Thankfully my flight back was in First Class so I felt like I could blend in a little bit more easily.
My parents, after a lot of fighting and prayer, got back home to Alaska in January. My dad was hoping to do chemo. I remember talking to my mom on the phone about this. I remember thinking why he would do chemo and felt guilty for letting those thoughts cross my mind. My gut knew it would not help him. He was dying and very close to it. The day he was supposed to go in to begin chemo (and I question whether that was why he was going to the hospital that day), he couldn't get down the stairs in my parents house. Ultimately he made the decision not to do chemo.
That phone call was hard. Although I knew deep down chemo really wasn't an option, the second he really wasn't going to do it was very hard. For me it meant the end of fighting. I know he made the right decision. Chemo would have ravaged his body more than it already had.
My sister and brother flew to Alaska 1 week before my dad passed away. I remember seeing photos that were posted of my dad and talking to my mom about how he was doing. He was holding on for them to get to Alaska but when they left to go home, I imagine he felt like he could let go because Tuesday he rapidly started to deteriorate. I messaged my mom a lot. I booked my ticket to leave for Alaska but knew I could not get home in time to be with him.
I was not sleeping well. I routinely woke up each night at the same time…3 am. I woke up Wednesday morning and could not go back to sleep. I went out to the living room and got on the computer and watched tv. I messaged my mom at some point and she was telling me what his O2 levels were. After having our daughter on oxygen, I learned quickly about when oxygen is needed.
We messaged back and forth and then my kids got up. I proceeded to check messages and help them with breakfast. I yelled at Natalie that morning. I was so angry about what was happening. As I was yelling, something came over me and I became calm. Little did I know that my dad was very close to leaving this world while this was going on in my home.
I left the house to get everyone off to school and to take Natalie and Kodie to the orthodontist. I had just left the school when my phone rang. It was my mom's friend calling to tell me my dad had just passed away. I drove to the orthodontist and got the girls checked in. I called Steve and texted a couple of my friends and told them. I was in shock. My dad's death did not hit me right away. It was the day before Valentine's day. We gave our kids their gifts and I packed for an early Thursday morning departure.
I arrived to Anchorage about the same time as my sister coming from Utah and one of my dad's coworkers picked us up. I remember arriving to my parent's house. It felt strange being there and more strange not having my dad there…but it did not feel real.
I remember getting ready for the visitation. I didn't know if I would go in and see him one last time or not. I went in with my sister and I broke down for the first time seeing him laying in the coffin. He did not look like the dad I knew growing up. As the visitation came to a close, I remember telling my mom it felt wrong to leave him there. I know that his soul was not in his body but it felt wrong to leave him.
The day of his funeral, I was a mess. We had arrived to the church and I was sitting there and saw a car pull up. I thought it was the hurst…it was not but it triggered something in me and the tears began. The Color Guard (I think that's the name) arrived and decisions were being made. I cried as they brought my dad in. They were so careful and did a beautiful job but it was so sad to see. I remember watching my dad's coworkers arrive to the church. I watched them approach his casket one last time so they could say their goodbyes. I remember being in awe of how many people arrived. My dad touched many people's lives and I had no idea just how important he was to others.
I spent time in Alaska helping my mom with things for about a week. Each night we talked about strange it felt. It felt like something/someone was missing. The house had an eery quietness about it.
It has been almost 10 months since his passing. My parent's anniversary, father's day, my dad's birthday, and Thanksgiving have all come and gone. Christmas is approaching and I do not feel like celebrating or decorating. We will decorate because I am doing it for my kids. We are headed to Tucson to see my mom for Christmas this year. I can't imagine a better way to spend it for the first Christmas without my dad.
I am struggling. I have days where I am okay but I have many days where I am sad and miss my dad. I am starting to realize this is real even though it doesn't feel real at the same time. I am starting to realize that a grief group is probably a good idea. I need to talk about this but I know people are probably tired of hearing about it. I know everyone has moved on that wasn't directly impacted by this and I understand that…but I am not ready to move on.
I know it will get easier somehow but I think I will always be grieving in some way.
We have an official new addition
Thursday, November 14th, 2013, our family officially grew :) Baby A was adopted into our family…she has been with us since she was two weeks old so she's always felt like she was a part of our family but it is great to be able to officially say she is and to introduce her as Addie!
We are now taking a break for a couple of months from fostering. We are looking forward to reopening in the Spring but in the meantime, we are enjoying no paperwork, no monthly visits with caseworkers (although I will admit I miss them and always enjoyed them!) and being able to take extended family trips without having to ask for permission :)
It was a long 18 months. When we accepted her as a placement, we were focused on her being reunified with her birth parents but sadly that wasn't able to happen. We are now trying to navigate how to have an open adoption with them. We want her to know them as she grows up but trying to set boundaries and change roles is hard and something I am constantly questioning right now.
As always though, I have to say thank you for your support and prayers. It was quite the journey but really, the journey is just beginning!
We are now taking a break for a couple of months from fostering. We are looking forward to reopening in the Spring but in the meantime, we are enjoying no paperwork, no monthly visits with caseworkers (although I will admit I miss them and always enjoyed them!) and being able to take extended family trips without having to ask for permission :)
It was a long 18 months. When we accepted her as a placement, we were focused on her being reunified with her birth parents but sadly that wasn't able to happen. We are now trying to navigate how to have an open adoption with them. We want her to know them as she grows up but trying to set boundaries and change roles is hard and something I am constantly questioning right now.
As always though, I have to say thank you for your support and prayers. It was quite the journey but really, the journey is just beginning!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
It has been a long time since I've logged on to type away on my laptop. I have had no motivation to share about things because I've been struggling and I am still struggling.
I have realized that some of my friendships have changed and I cannot rely on those friends anymore to be a listening ear...but I have realized that some people whom I have met recently are willing to listen or be a source of encouragement for me.
I have realized that I miss my dad much more than I ever thought I would. This is what I struggle with the most right now. It has been 8 months since he passed away and it isn't getting easier...it is getting harder. My dad and I were not close. He was a hard person to please and very gruff. I have extreme sadness because of things I said as a teenager and I never really was able to apologize to him. The last time I talked to my dad by video before he passed it was too hard for him so a lot was left unsaid. Even though we weren't close though, I loved him. We didn't talk every day but we never went this long without talking and I would give anything right now to be able to have a quick chat with him.
I have days where I do okay but I have many more where I just break down crying lately. With the holidays approaching, it's getting harder...I am just trying to keep my faith which to be honest, is hard to do these days.
On a happier note, we are much closer to finalizing our adoption of Baby A. I am looking forward to closing that chapter and having a few months to just be the Fryer family before we accept new placements.
One of these days I will get my motivation to write again. Thank you to all who have been of support to me these last few months. I am so very thankful to you all!!
I have realized that some of my friendships have changed and I cannot rely on those friends anymore to be a listening ear...but I have realized that some people whom I have met recently are willing to listen or be a source of encouragement for me.
I have realized that I miss my dad much more than I ever thought I would. This is what I struggle with the most right now. It has been 8 months since he passed away and it isn't getting easier...it is getting harder. My dad and I were not close. He was a hard person to please and very gruff. I have extreme sadness because of things I said as a teenager and I never really was able to apologize to him. The last time I talked to my dad by video before he passed it was too hard for him so a lot was left unsaid. Even though we weren't close though, I loved him. We didn't talk every day but we never went this long without talking and I would give anything right now to be able to have a quick chat with him.
I have days where I do okay but I have many more where I just break down crying lately. With the holidays approaching, it's getting harder...I am just trying to keep my faith which to be honest, is hard to do these days.
On a happier note, we are much closer to finalizing our adoption of Baby A. I am looking forward to closing that chapter and having a few months to just be the Fryer family before we accept new placements.
One of these days I will get my motivation to write again. Thank you to all who have been of support to me these last few months. I am so very thankful to you all!!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Have you ever had a day where you just break down? Today was that day for me. I have been keeping a lot to myself, pretending that everything is fine and staying busy so I wouldn't have to deal with my life. Today I wasn't able to avoid it any longer. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I have come to realize lately that people who I thought were my friends are not going to be there for me when I need them....and I was surprised by who reached out to me today. It touched my heart to receive messages from people I wouldn't have expected but I was a little disappointed that the people that I'd think would reach out didn't. I totally get that people get busy but at what point do we realize that we should NEVER be too busy to be there for a friend who is in need of support?
My dad died 6 months ago. I found out 8 months ago that he had cancer. You do the math. That is 2 months from when I found out he had to cancer to when he passed away. I know that people in my life are going to go on with their lives but please realize that I am still grieving and it doesn't hurt to ask how I am doing from time to time. I am still in shock. It still hasn't fully hit me that he's gone. It's getting harder though because I think I am beginning to realize it and I am feeling really sad because of it.
I am also feeling like a complete and utter failure with regards to my kids. Natalie is struggling with reading in school. I have been pushing for her to get extra help but because she wasn't far enough behind, no one would help her. The public school system has failed her but I feel like I have failed her too. She is now far enough behind that I think she may get the help she needs but why does it have to come to this??? Why do we have to let our kids get so far behind before the school steps in and realizes they should maybe help them out??? At her IEP meetings the last couple of years, this is what I would mention. I would talk about why she needs the help and that I don't want her to get behind and then be trying to learn what she needs to know for her current academic year on top of what she has missed out on.
I am an angry mom feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated with the system right now. How do I help my child when the thing she is struggling with is the very thing I struggled with in school? My first response is to pull her from school and just home school her so she can get the one-on-one help she so obviously needs....the problem with that is she LOVES school. I am calling a meeting though. Changes need to be made with the help she is getting and I am going to fight for it. I am looking into getting a parent advocate to assist me so that my voice is finally heard so my daughter can get the help she needs and deserves.
I need some prayers though. I am ready to go in with guns blazing but I need help with being patient so that I am not met with resistance. I know all her teachers want to do is help and I need to keep reminding myself of that.
I have come to realize lately that people who I thought were my friends are not going to be there for me when I need them....and I was surprised by who reached out to me today. It touched my heart to receive messages from people I wouldn't have expected but I was a little disappointed that the people that I'd think would reach out didn't. I totally get that people get busy but at what point do we realize that we should NEVER be too busy to be there for a friend who is in need of support?
My dad died 6 months ago. I found out 8 months ago that he had cancer. You do the math. That is 2 months from when I found out he had to cancer to when he passed away. I know that people in my life are going to go on with their lives but please realize that I am still grieving and it doesn't hurt to ask how I am doing from time to time. I am still in shock. It still hasn't fully hit me that he's gone. It's getting harder though because I think I am beginning to realize it and I am feeling really sad because of it.
I am also feeling like a complete and utter failure with regards to my kids. Natalie is struggling with reading in school. I have been pushing for her to get extra help but because she wasn't far enough behind, no one would help her. The public school system has failed her but I feel like I have failed her too. She is now far enough behind that I think she may get the help she needs but why does it have to come to this??? Why do we have to let our kids get so far behind before the school steps in and realizes they should maybe help them out??? At her IEP meetings the last couple of years, this is what I would mention. I would talk about why she needs the help and that I don't want her to get behind and then be trying to learn what she needs to know for her current academic year on top of what she has missed out on.
I am an angry mom feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated with the system right now. How do I help my child when the thing she is struggling with is the very thing I struggled with in school? My first response is to pull her from school and just home school her so she can get the one-on-one help she so obviously needs....the problem with that is she LOVES school. I am calling a meeting though. Changes need to be made with the help she is getting and I am going to fight for it. I am looking into getting a parent advocate to assist me so that my voice is finally heard so my daughter can get the help she needs and deserves.
I need some prayers though. I am ready to go in with guns blazing but I need help with being patient so that I am not met with resistance. I know all her teachers want to do is help and I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Slowly getting healthier...
After hearing the news that my dad had colon cancer, I knew I needed to make some changes. Who knows what was the cause for his colon cancer but the fact that he had end stage and was 63 when he passed away just hit me...63 is just too young to pass away.
I have been the type where a new year begins and I make New Year's resolutions but never keep them. I turned 30 and thought, "okay, this is it, I will finally get it together". I now am 33 and it took having my dad die 3 months ago to finally get the motivation I have been lacking for so many years. I have lacked the motivation honestly to make the commitment and actually keep it.
I have worked on changing my portion sizes, trying to eat out less, eliminating pop entirely from my diet, drinking a lot of green smoothies and trying to avoid too much processed foods....which means more cooking but it's been fun to try new recipes and new ingredients. In the process I have lost 25 pounds and reached one goal for myself...I have a long way to go honestly but I feel like my head is finally there and I am slowly figuring it out :)
I have been the type where a new year begins and I make New Year's resolutions but never keep them. I turned 30 and thought, "okay, this is it, I will finally get it together". I now am 33 and it took having my dad die 3 months ago to finally get the motivation I have been lacking for so many years. I have lacked the motivation honestly to make the commitment and actually keep it.
I have worked on changing my portion sizes, trying to eat out less, eliminating pop entirely from my diet, drinking a lot of green smoothies and trying to avoid too much processed foods....which means more cooking but it's been fun to try new recipes and new ingredients. In the process I have lost 25 pounds and reached one goal for myself...I have a long way to go honestly but I feel like my head is finally there and I am slowly figuring it out :)
The ban on adoption
As some of you may recall, back in December there was a ban put into place for adoptions in Russia. The ban stopped 300 adoptions from being able to proceed of children in orphanages and mental institutions. 300 adoptions of families who had chosen a child, met the child and had not passed court yet....but it didn't just stop 300 adoptions; it stopped any adoptions from occurring in the future.
Some families have made the heart wrenching decision to choose another country in Eastern Europe so they can still adopt and others have made the decision to try and keep fighting for the children they have chosen by writing letters to Senators, Representatives and the President with hopes that they will help get the discussion going again and get the ban overturned.
There is a Facebook page and they are trying to get likes on the page. They are trying to show that this is important and maybe if we can show it is important, then maybe positive change will come. I ask you to please consider liking this page: 300 Broken Promises After you like it, please share it with your friends and lets help spread the word.
Monday, June 3, 2013
The last few days I have written up a new blog post, posted them and even shared one on Facebook only to delete all evidence of having written them. I feel like this is a place for me to write about how I am feeling about everything...the good, the bad and the ugly of my life. Unfortunately not everyone agrees. I guess the ugly things that have happened in my life should be forgiven and forgotten about. People in my life who have hurt me whether intentional or not have been forgiven but I cannot forget what has happened in my life. Maybe some people out there can forget about things done to them but that is something that I struggle with. How can I forget a time in my life that changed me and made me fearful of so many things?
I feel like this is my place to write what's on my mind and if you don't like it, then don't read it. Honestly, some of these posts are to help me. I have come to realize that there are certain things that I cannot talk about with certain people in my life without being criticized in the process. If I can't talk to people about it, then I'm going to have to write what's on my mind because in order for me to move past certain things, I need to get it out.
We have done a lot of different trainings for foster care. A recurring theme in these trainings is children in our care can be doing very well for years and all of a sudden something will trigger a memory or something and they can regress and be fearful and act out as a result of the trigger. I have learned that this is an issue for me. I am trying to figure out how to protect myself in the future and still have a relationship with people in my life who have hurt me. I am at fault for many things and wish I could change things for many reasons and I hope anyone I have hurt can forgive me.
I needed to write this and actually post it. My intent is to never hurt anyone...my goal is to move forward. The last few months have been hard. I feel like I start moving forward and then I remember my dad is gone and I take a few steps back. Losing a parent sucks. It will get easier somehow and in the meantime I am just going to try and keep taking it a day at a time.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I have obviously been MIA from here. I have so much to share and write about but cannot find the motivation to sit and actually type. I have tried on more than one occasion to write a new post.
It has been three months since my dad passed away and in that time, Steve's grandma passed away and my brother's newborn son passed away. I feel like I am in a fog and going through the motions of everyday life. This truly sucks. My dad is really gone and yet it still feels so surreal.
We are leaving next week for a road trip to Arizona and will meet my mom there. My dad's remains will finally be laid to rest and it is just making me so sad because it seems that much more final. I am glad I am going and bringing the rest of the family but it isn't going to be an easy trip.
In addition to all of this loss in my family's life, we are still doing foster care and have had baby A for a year now. It's so hard to believe she has been with us that long. She is taking steps and so mobile now...she has come such a long way! I had forgotten how busy this age is...but it is fun.
Summer break is about three weeks away for the kids and I am ready. I think they are too. I am looking forward to time with them and being able to relax some. Each year just seems to go quicker and quicker doesn't it?
Hopefully after next week, with a little bit more closure, I will find some more motivation to get on here more regularly. Thanks for bearing with me!
It has been three months since my dad passed away and in that time, Steve's grandma passed away and my brother's newborn son passed away. I feel like I am in a fog and going through the motions of everyday life. This truly sucks. My dad is really gone and yet it still feels so surreal.
We are leaving next week for a road trip to Arizona and will meet my mom there. My dad's remains will finally be laid to rest and it is just making me so sad because it seems that much more final. I am glad I am going and bringing the rest of the family but it isn't going to be an easy trip.
In addition to all of this loss in my family's life, we are still doing foster care and have had baby A for a year now. It's so hard to believe she has been with us that long. She is taking steps and so mobile now...she has come such a long way! I had forgotten how busy this age is...but it is fun.
Summer break is about three weeks away for the kids and I am ready. I think they are too. I am looking forward to time with them and being able to relax some. Each year just seems to go quicker and quicker doesn't it?
Hopefully after next week, with a little bit more closure, I will find some more motivation to get on here more regularly. Thanks for bearing with me!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I have logged on a few times and end up just sitting, staring at the computer screen waiting for me to begin typing...but I don't even know where to begin. Tomorrow will mark six weeks since my dad passed away. I feel like I am in a fog and am having a hard time focusing.
Last week just plain sucked. By Friday night all I wanted to do was cry. I have been told on more than one occasion to just take it a day at a time...great advice right?? I agree but it is most definitely easier said than done. It is still just so hard to believe my dad is no longer here on earth. I have days where I am sad and miss him. Then I have days where I feel angry about him not being here. It just changes from day to day.
Easter is quickly approaching. I have been watching the Bible documentary on the History Channel with my girls. I sat and watched Sunday nights episode yesterday and cried. I love Christmas but I think Easter is my favorite time of year in a way. I am a sinner. I try very hard to be a good person and while I think I am most of the time, I am very well aware that it is a constant struggle to do what is right and live a good life. I have made poor choices in the past and during Lent, I find myself becoming more aware of what Jesus did by dying on the cross for all of us.
I am looking forward to going to church on Holy Thursday and Good Friday and being thankful that someone gave up His life for me. I am not sure where I am going with this...like I said, I am finding it harder to focus lately.
Last week just plain sucked. By Friday night all I wanted to do was cry. I have been told on more than one occasion to just take it a day at a time...great advice right?? I agree but it is most definitely easier said than done. It is still just so hard to believe my dad is no longer here on earth. I have days where I am sad and miss him. Then I have days where I feel angry about him not being here. It just changes from day to day.
Easter is quickly approaching. I have been watching the Bible documentary on the History Channel with my girls. I sat and watched Sunday nights episode yesterday and cried. I love Christmas but I think Easter is my favorite time of year in a way. I am a sinner. I try very hard to be a good person and while I think I am most of the time, I am very well aware that it is a constant struggle to do what is right and live a good life. I have made poor choices in the past and during Lent, I find myself becoming more aware of what Jesus did by dying on the cross for all of us.
I am looking forward to going to church on Holy Thursday and Good Friday and being thankful that someone gave up His life for me. I am not sure where I am going with this...like I said, I am finding it harder to focus lately.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I have neglected writing any posts these last three weeks. I am feeling a little more motivated though now. My dad has been gone for three weeks now...it just doesn't seem possible that three weeks ago he passed away. I have had a lot on my plate though and finding the motivation to write anything has been a bit challenging.
I had a goal to write a post every day to help bring awareness to the plight of orphans. Do you remember hearing in the news how Putin signed into law that Americans would no longer be able to adopt Russian orphans? I was sad to read an update from Reeces Rainbow with some changes they are making. They are necessary but it still made me sad. You can click on the link to learn more but because of these changes, I have to change how I do posts to introduce you to different orphans. I would still like to post about orphans in Russia but the focus needs to be about praying for that orphan that a change will happen so they will have an opportunity again to have a forever family.
Thanks for your patience while I am getting focused again and back in the swing of things.
I had a goal to write a post every day to help bring awareness to the plight of orphans. Do you remember hearing in the news how Putin signed into law that Americans would no longer be able to adopt Russian orphans? I was sad to read an update from Reeces Rainbow with some changes they are making. They are necessary but it still made me sad. You can click on the link to learn more but because of these changes, I have to change how I do posts to introduce you to different orphans. I would still like to post about orphans in Russia but the focus needs to be about praying for that orphan that a change will happen so they will have an opportunity again to have a forever family.
Thanks for your patience while I am getting focused again and back in the swing of things.
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