What a week

This week has just been one that has been rough. It hasn't been the worst week but I have just felt like I'd rather have stayed in bed and hide rather than have to deal with anything.

The week started out with anticipation of my dad having a port put in this week and starting chemo on the 21st of this month. I knew chemo was not a good idea for my dad because he is just not healthy enough to take on something poisonous like chemo. Yesterday morning I had a message from my mom letting my siblings and I know that my dad would not be getting a port put in and would not be doing chemo. They had talked and the decision had been made...hospice was going to be contacted so that next step could be taken. Anyone who knows my dad knows that he was not going to do hospice. Hospice was mentioned last month before he went to Oregon and was completely against it. I know hospice is not a bad thing but for him, he just didn't want it. So the fact that he agreed that this was what should happen just hit me in a way that I did not expect.

Even though I knew he really couldn't do chemo, the fact was it was an option still being given to him and now it's not and it just makes this more real. My dad is dying. My dad is terminal and will not be around much longer. I have known this was coming but all of the uncertainty of how he was doing and what options were there gave me a feeling like we had a little more time than it appears.

I sit here in Colorado far away from Alaska feeling pulled. I want to be in Alaska to help out but honestly, I can't. I have kids here that need me and I feel guilty about that. Steve just cannot take off much time from work so I need to make sure I am mindful of all of this.

Something else this week that has just left me feeling defeated is about our foster care placement. We have had her almost 9 months. I don't know where the case is headed honestly. I don't know if she will be reunified or if she will stay with us. I want to set up her room and move her out of our room but not knowing if she'll be with us much longer, I don't know if I can set up a room for her. The pain I am going to feel if there is a room for her and she is not in it is going to be hard. This is when I wish I had a remote control so I could fast forward a few months and know the outcome...knowing the outcome would make this easier with all of the waiting.

I truly hope she can go home because I know that is always the hope for a family...I never thought I would get so attached though to a child who is not mine. Sometimes I feel like we are just adding more trauma to their little lives. We are the only home she has ever known because she came straight from the hospital to us. Her case will be like her leaving and being placed in a foster home but it will really be her home she was always meant to be in.

I just question whether we are the "right" people to do foster care. I know we can take care and love children who stay with us but dealing with the red tape and everything else that is foster care is what I wonder about. I know I need to only worry about today and I try very hard...some days are easier than others though and this week it has just been hard.

I am thankful that it is now Friday and the weekend is upon us. My kids are off until Thursday because of the end of the second quarter and teacher work days. The weather has gotten great here again and the snow is melting. We are busy taking the Christmas lights off of the house now that it isn't so cold anymore and pulling out the Valentine's day decorations.

I am thankful for each new day. I am thankful for each new week. I am thankful for my supportive family and friends. I did not imagine 2013 starting out this way but I know it will be okay in the end.