Saying Goodbye

I recently took a trip to Portland to see my dad....and mom and aunt too. My dad was flown to Portland from Alaska because of his health needs at this time. His surgeon in Alaska told him there was nothing they could do and suggested they get hospice involved. My dad was not okay with that answer and sending him to Portland was an option and he took it. He flew with my mom on a medical flight. They were gone within hours not sure what to expect.

Surgery had been scheduled for Tuesday (they arrived in the middle of the night after leaving Monday night). When the doctors there realized how malnourished he was and the poor shape he truly was in, they decided to wait to do surgery for a couple of days and to do TPN to help try and improve his strength some. He had surgery on Thursday (two weeks ago today) and in one way it was successful and in another way it was not. He is one of those patients you hear about where they open the patient up, realize how bad it is and close them up. The only successful thing to come from the surgery was they were able to resect the colon and put in an iliostomy bag. They wanted to do more but his cancer is so bad they couldn't. The surgery though gave him more than a few days.

What they found during surgery was that he has tumors everywhere. The tumor in his colon is so big and spread everywhere and is attached/pushing up against his spine. Because his liver is involved too, he has fluid buildup that will not stop. They can drain it but they will only do it after it is causing him a lot of discomfort.

Honestly, for how bleak things look, he's doing fairly well. He tires easily, he has little to no appetite and I know he must be scared. I have a younger brother who is 5 years old and my dad will not be there for him as he grows up. I have siblings who have not married and had children and he won't be here for that. I know I speak as if he won't survive this. I do believe in miracles but I am also realistic and if for some reason he does survive this, it will be a wonderful miracle. I believe he got a miracle in Oregon with a surgeon being willing to operate and fix the bowel obstruction. If that is the only miracle to come out of this, that's okay because it gave him more time.

The trip to Portland was hard. It was hard knowing that when I left, it would most likely be my last time seeing him here on earth. It was hard spending time with him knowing he needs to eat because he can't get stronger if he doesn't but yet he can't bring himself to really eat. It was hard to see the man I know as my dad look so frail. He has aged so much because of all of this. He has always been grumpy and this makes him more grumpy...understandably so.

I feel at peace though whatever happens. i am thankful for the four days I had with him, my mom and aunt. It was good to be able to have that time.